Why does it need to be the minimum?

I'm one of these who accepts what the CSA sends my way - which varies between £22 and £58 a month for the four children.

He does work full-time, but has hidden it well

He will see the children for a couple of hours every now and then, but won't feed them. Has never bought anything or helped to buy anything.

Great news is he'll be moving away. University for four years, so even the small amount the children do receive will go.

That's ok. They'll be fine. I've made sure they are.

Its just seeing posts to reduce maintenance for children. Great if the children are being bought shoes, uniforms etc as well. However, if they're not I find it upsetting... I can't always afford to get them what they need when they need it.

I'm very good at budgeting, by the way. The ex isn't. The house was lost to pay his debts. He was in debt again within a 12 months...

I'm as bitter as they come, but have never demanded anything from their father, and quickly came to accept things. After all, he's chosen a new life, and has told the children a while back that he won't pay for things as he doesn't live with them (he's remarried).

Shoes, coats, even haircuts cost so much. Summer holidays are a nightmare really - even if its just for extra groceries. But we manage and the children are old enough to know I can't afford to take them out. Their father chooses not to.

So please. Before you start looking at bank balances - and I appreciate that we do all need to be able to live - just stop, and think, if there's something you can offer as an alternative - even if it is winter coats and shoes...

I'm lucky. My lot don't mind hand-me-downs, and the eldest has a holiday job and has bought his own shoes for work.

Not all parents who are the main carers for the children are out to bleed anyone dry. They may come across as demanding, but having to say no to a child all the time is so tiring. Seeing the diappointment on children's faces when you say no, no chance of the cinema... Perhaps they just don't see why their children should go without.

Some ex's do deserve the finger pointing and being branded as demanding, but not all.

Hi NH,

You are right - no-one can be labeled the same:

There are some PWC who have plenty of income but still want to fleece the NRP and there are some who don't have much and need the support and don't get it because the NRP hides their income.

Some PWC encourage contact with the kids, yet the NRP doesn't want to know and some PWC block contact and the NRP fights for a few hours supervised contact or end up with no contact at all.

The one thing that is common with each situation is - its all so unfair.

WR

In my case their father - or possibly his wife, as he wasn't too bad with the first two fiance's - has really mucked the children about with contact.

My eldest is 18 (over six years since we split), and the effect all of it has had on him is so sad.

I am hoping it will be easier when he's gone.

I just feel that even with hostility between parents that ways of sorting it can me met.

My ex always said no when asked to give them tea You soon learn not to ask

Well done New Horizons for raising your kids alone. I agree. There are far too many posts asking how to reduce CM or if they really should pay extra voluntarily. Granted there are many women asking more than they should but there is a worrying idea growing that the mother is asking money for her and that CM is for the mother and not the children erg - something to battle about. what parent would not find the money - even if they had little for their children? The real ones do , somehow.

I suppose the other side of the coin would be too many mums seeing their kids as a welfare benefit cash machine and treating contact as a pay per view event.

Their are arguements on both sides but I'm inclined to think that if a NRP is to maintain a relationship with their kids they need money to buy them things/take them out/ afford transport. Minimising CSA payments will often be the most contructive and supportive thing to do.

My ex has never asked me for anything with regards to clothing, days out and haircuts etc. I am always happy to buy them whatever i can afford when they are with me and i would like to think that if the ex was struggling she would ask me to help out if i was in a position to assist.

As it happens she seems to get by quite well with her Income Support, Child Benefit, Child Tax Credit, free school meals, money towards school uniform, free prescriptions, Housing benefit, Council Tax benefit.(have i missed anything?)

I am not suggesting that she shouldn't get support until she is able to get back to work, (i think she will be trying to when the youngest starts school in August) but i do find it a struggle to afford all the things the kids want when they are with me as of course i am not entitled to any of the Tax Credits she receives on their behalf during school holidays and weekends.

The system is not perfect but it is the system we have to operate under.

Chris.

I know many do have to operate this way.

Howver, there are those who choose to, when they could do so much more.