Fair?

Hi,

I have recently divorced from my wife of 5 years and we have one 3-year old boy.

I currently earn £41,000 and she earns between £80-90,000 (not sure). Under CSA rules my payment would be £380/month on my income, but we have made a family agreement whereby I am currently paying £700/month (costs me £630 when childcare vouchers are used) whilst he is at nursery, and once he leaves nursery it drops to £550. His nursery costs £1,400 a month. She is living in a 2 bed house costing £1700 a month and plans to stay there as we hope to get him into a nearby Catholic school and proximity helps.
He currently stays with me 2 nights per week (which I love, but she has to be away for work those nights, so this also benefits her) plus Fri & Sat every second weekend, and we are amicable so we often swap days as suits.

She claims she is bearing the higher cost of raising him given her high rent etc and is seeking 60-65% of our assets to reflect this, despite her higher earning capacity.

I have found these payments unsustainable and wish to modify them, but she plans to codify them into any financial settlement we agree on. I love having my son with me so much but I am covering the cost of looking after him these nights, so effectively I have him 3 days a week to her 4. Now he is 3 years old, the govt will pay 15 hours a week (is this correct?) towards his nursery costs, which she currently pays using our combined money. Surely this now means I am actually paying MORE for him than she is, given we have him nearly half and half? OH, and I also pay her half of any clothing she buys him (I buy him some clothes too but she won''t pay for this, saying she is the primary carer and anything i buy is optional. Yes, it pisses me off!)

I love the amount of time I have with him and worry she may try and restrict this if I pay less, but in reality i can''t afford to pay so much. This arrangement has been in place since the start of Feb this year.

I like that we are amicable but I can''t be broke for the rest of my life - and if the price of her co-operation is being penniless its not worth it. I have a new girlfriend who helps with money sometimes but this is not the way forward, and if my ex remarries she will be rolling in it while we both continue to struggle, if I agree to keep paying this much. I don''t beleive my ex is spiteful, but has an unrealistic idea of what i should pay and needs to get real. I am happy to pay more than the CSA, esp while he''s at this nursery, but not THIS much!

I''d like some feedback on what people think of this arrangement, and also advice on my chances of getting my time with him legally enforceable if she tried to reduce this, given we have established a pattern our son is now used to. To suddenly stop seeing me will negatively affect him, and would only be out of spite. She may not do this but I would rather know what I may be facing.

Sorry but your stbx is in for a wake up call. Yes you have to pay cm but as the lower income earner you could claim spousal maintenance and larger share of the assets because your housing needs will be the same and she can raise a larger mortgage than you.

I would be saying that you will pay 15% of your income reduced by 3/7 plus pay childcare on your days minus your share of the ''free'' hours.

Happy to pay CM and don''t want spousal maintenance, but she wants me to pay so much AND keep 70% of our joint funds (with a 50% share of our property we are selling) - works out around 40%-60% in her favour. So she will easily be able to rebuild her larger savings whilst I will be saving zero on top of my smaller share. Seems crazy. I told her it was more than I could afford and she suggested I get freelance work on the side - in other words, get a second job! Just to survive. But I agreed in principal (not legally enforceable) as I wanted to do what I could and fear she may reduce my time with him, which is good. However I will be broke forever if I do this so I have to tell her this is unfeasable.
My lawyer says I''m paying too much. I''m at the point where I''m ready to just tell her I''ll pay the CSA amount and she can do as she pleases.

Your solicitor is correct. Time to stand up to her and say no. In court she wouldn''t have a leg to stand on and could find herself losing out financial big time.

Its hard to stand up to someone using emotional blackmail to get what they want. Would she be able to manage your child 24/7 if she did reduce contact?

My husband ex made similar threats about reducing contact to increase cm but in reality she couldn''t cope with the children any more so it was an empty threat.

I know it''s hard but you really need to put a stop to this. What she is doing and asking is crazy!

There would be no need on her wage for you to pay SM in fact she could be in a position where she has to pay you.

Pay CM at the rate as required as are already paying for clothes etc when your son stays with you.

the Government does ''pay'' for 15 hours of nursery care from the beginning of the term after the child turns three (not immediately the child turns three) so it will depend on his birthday. You should also be aware that 15 free hours is only entirely ''free'' in certain settings - and it is unlikely a private nursery is one of those, although it may depend on where you live. As such, there is a maximum amount the nursery can claim for the 15 hours and they will reduce your childcare bill by this amount. In reality, you may not see your childcare bill reduce very much, although it helps, obviously.

Your ex can probably afford a nanny. At the very least, an au pair could help her if she decided to reduce contact. She doesn''t need to just ''cope''. She earns well and this will help enormously in terms of her options and keeping up with a full time, demanding job and travel. Pick your battles very carefully because if she wants to be difficult, it could get very nasty, very quickly.

If you post your financial details in the Ancillary Relief forum you should get help as to what would be a fair outcome for your situation and what a court might suggest if it got that far. This will help you from a negoiating point of view and help keeps things in perspective. Get your head round that first before discussing it further with either your ex or a solicitor (both expensive!) so you know what you''re aiming for.

I currently earn £41,000 and she earns between £80-90,000 (not sure). Under CSA rules my payment would be £380/month on my income, but we have made a family agreement whereby I am currently paying

If she is claiming the Child Benefit, it would make sense to transfer it to you, as it stands my understanding is that since she earns over 60k it will all be clawed back. If you were to claim since your salary is under 50k it would not be clawed back. This does assume that there is a certain level of pragmatic thinking.

LB