Fair?

Yes, and my point in all this is that I am happy to contribute what i can, beyond the CSA minimum. And I am happy to wear the cost of having him stay with me too. And I know she is a good mother and we get on quite well still, there is no suggestion of ''taking him away'', we are both trying to look at it as we are in this together as friends who didn''t work out.

This all sounds good. The problem is, she thinks I should pay this ridiculous amount I cannot afford. I will try and reason with her and reassure her I still want to do what i can. But that''s the point. what I can. I cannot pay more than I can afford. I have tried that and I''m getting into debt.

I''ve found some ways to cut costs and she needs to realise we have to be realistic. Hopefully she will see sense and it won''t escalate. She keeps saying don''t worry about money, the main thing is us raising him together and getting on, but I don''t think she realises just how bad it is for me, despite my repeated attempts to spell it out.

Perhaps mediation will help her see I''m actually doing all I can and she''s getting a damn good deal.

What is said, and what are done are often two different things. Words are meaningless when you are having to spend money you dont have and days off work in court arguing the point

I wouldn''t ''reason''. She is focused on the ''we need to get along for the sake of the children'' argument so anything you suggest will be against this, even if it isn''t.

Suggest mediation. It''ll be a whole lot cheaper than court and with a third person in the room who is used to hearing the unreasonable, she''ll hopefully have a gentle wake up call and re-think the situation.

If I earned 90k I wouldn''t take a penny off my ex.

Offer to have your child 50-50 pay half the expenses of that including child care.


We did this, split the child benefit etc 50-50, worked out reasonable expenses and split them.

But my ex didn''t see the children as more hers than mine.

Yes this is the ideal way of looking at it that I''m working toward. She readily admits I''ve always been a good dad, and she is a career woman, so I could offer to have him 1 extra night a fortnight and pay half his nursery, clothes etc. Still be cheaper for me.

Under this agreement of course, she would have to forfeit the 70% of the money she is getting, and accept half. Can''t see that happening.

Perhaps I suggest this and we go from there. She does have a worrying tendency to see him as ''her'' child to let me have if I''m good. But when I first agreed to these terms I had not seen him much and been missing him terribly. Now I am more aware of my rights and more used to not seeing him every day, so feel more confident about standing up for what is fair.

If she gets child benefit this should come out of the pot too.

if she earns £90k, she doesn''t get Child Benefit, or any other benefit.

And?

Nor does the op.
and he earns half her wage.

And they both have to pay for somewhere to live.

I don''t quite think this was what CSA type payments were for.

I could go to the CSA and get 20% of my ex wife''s wages, but I don''t need it, and it means she can have a better life and spend money on the children and there''s no resentment.

And I don''t think the children are more mine than hers.