Shared residence

I have started the court process for shared residence to have more time with my son (aged 4) I separated from my ex nearly 2 years ago now ( we were never married but had a child with ivf) after trying to sort access out between ourselves I was only offered access once a fortnight picking him up from school on Friday and taking him back to his mother on a Sunday at 3pm there was no leeway with times or days and if he had a birthday party she was the only one allowed to take him and I lost time! I asked for phone calls to speak to him at night in between access and she said no but then on the odd occasion would let him ring me. We went to court in July and a court order was agreed for access every other weekend and every Wednesday 2 til 5.45 ( this was agreed when my son was at nursery when he started full time school the time was changed to 3.30 from my ex''s house and she insists I cannot collect him from school even though my son regularly asks me to and she cannot give me a reason why I can''t pick him up from school) the access was going well and I was also getting phone calls agreed in the order on Mondays and Fridays at 7pm but then after a few weeks she started saying he was already asleep and changed the time to 6pm knowing I would still be at work on a building site but said it was not about me it was about our son and 7pm wasn''t good for him, she then said they were going out and he wouldn''t be available for the call and I could phone the following evening when I did she answered and said "he doesn''t want to speak to you" and I heard my son in the back ground repeat what she had said as if he was copying her. We have both attended our CAFCASS interviews at mine I said I wanted as much time as I could get with my son but didn''t want to take him from his mother and raised my concerns over the phone calls, the cafcass worker said I wouldn''t get 50/50 or over night access in the week and me and my ex cannot communicate, she thought that the fortnightly weekend access was fair although mediation prior to court agreed that it wasnt enough for a child of that age and the courts wouldn''t like it, cafcass also said that the phone calls are a waste of time even though I was having good conversations with my son, cafcass have also said the same to my ex and she now is disregarding the court order and just texting me and saying he doesn''t want to speak to me or she is out or he is asleep. I do not know where to go from here I feel that the court process is totally 1 sided and that cafcass haven''t helped with the agreements, any suggestions would be greatly appreciated

With many parenting issues there is no Absolute right or wrong, just people (parents, judges and CAFCASS) with different attitudes doing different things. Some think children of separated families should live in two homes, whilst others believe it''s in the best interests of a child and more secure to live in one home and not have the school week disrupted.

YOu need to remain child focussed. There is no point in making demands for as much time with your son as you can get unless you are clear how he will benefit and the arrangements are practical.IF you are regularly working on a building site at 6pm how practical is it for you to have your son when he probably needs to go to bed around 7pm?

Also I wouldn''t be too hasty to make assumptions and jump to conclusions. Perhaps the novelty of phone calls is wearing off and if your son is now at school he maybe does some activities after school and/or is tired in the evenings. It''s often parents differing interpretations of their child''s needs and behaviour that leads to disputes.

When there is empathy and understanding there is positive communication and families (even separated ones) resolve problems constructively. IF there is no empathy and understanding communication is distorted problems aren''t resolved satisfactorily and a vicious cycle of provocation and retaliation develops. The detrimental effects of this negative cycle on children are well documented.

Courts can''t micromanage the lives of separated families. Labels such as "residence," "shared residence" and "contact" can leave parents with a sense of winning or loosing which causes resentment and resistance. It is better to avoid court when at all possible. Good contact for children relies on parents working together or at least not against each other.

I run my own company so would be able to work as an when I wanted and manage things around my son school life, when I only get a 5 minute phone call ( if that) I go to work on these days mainly to keep me occupied! I have told CAFCASS I can change the way I work to be a more active role in my sons life but they dismissed this and basically said it wouldn''t work as me and my ex cannot communicate. We did have a volatile relationship and would often have arguments as these were occurring in front of my son I chose to end the relationship. I have tried to talk to my ex and done everything she wanted, provided a house furnished it, decorated it, gave her a car and pay maintenance but this still isn''t enough I have read many forums and books about separation and the affects on children but as my ex holds all the cards so to speak I can only get what she offers which I hoped would change at court but not only does my ex treat me and tell me I''m like a child minder but the courts and cafcass seem to think the same. I would like to be part of his school life and be involved in bringing him up to shape the person he will become I dont think this will happen and I wonder if this whole process is ruining my sons child hood! As heart breaking as it would be, would his life be better if I wasn''t in it