Telling the Children.. aged nearly 6 & 8

Hi, first post as you will see and I doubt my last...

I am currently still living in the family home, have been officially separated since 11 October, for some time before that I had started to sleep in the spare room due to the breakdown in the realtionship...

Anyway to the point, whilst I am living at home, despite now being in the spare room we have not told the children anything and for them are still having a sunday meal together and caring for them both and shariing supporting their needs...

We are at the begining of the divorce and financial stuff, I have said I am not prepared to move out unitl I can afford a house for the boys and myself as I will be persuing a shared care/residency order..

We have had a strained but civil conversation about what to tell them and when...? this caused us both considerable distress and we did not get to any conclusions as the thought of upsetting them destroys us both.. We do however have to start thinking of them, the rationale behind not telling them anything so far is that until we know when and how things will happen it will be confusing to tell them mummy and daddy are not going to live together but then that not to happen, its already been 3 months in the same house for a start... I just cant even begin to imagine how to start the conversation with them and would welcome any tips or pointers to reading material that may help..

My thoughts were to say that its somehting that is going to happen in the future not sure when but that when it is decided who leaves the marital home (to be decided and contested for sure) I would like to involve the boys on looking for and viewing that alternative accomodation. We are lucky in that all of our family are cose by and neither of us will move away... certainly if it is me moving out, I wont go any further than a 10 min car journey away for now so that I can (as is on offer) pop in to tuck them in on the nights I am not there and then go to my house... in moments of clarity and without the emotion and anger we both agree that we both need the children as much as they need us, they have very strong and loving bonds with both of us... as far as I know there is no one else involved with either of us so seeing each other in each others houses should not be a problem, although I know when things get tricky and I am sure they will that 'agreement' is likely to evaporate...

Sorry for the waffle, some helpful and subtle guidance would be a real help right now...

Not sure it helps but i have noticed people do this.. I am male age 41 my wife is 40, we have been married for nearly 9 years our boys are very nearly 6 & 8 (you can do the maths and work out why we were married) we lived together for around 2 years before being married... Let me know if anything else is useful??

Many thanks

Jason

Welcome to wikivorce Jason.

This will be a very difficult time for you, your wife and the children. It sounds like your marriage has ended and I would hope that as no one else is involved (which is a massive blessing and advantage compaired to what many of us went through)you have at least given deep consideration to counselling and reconciliation.

Relate offers good advice on how to tell children, so even if you are not going to reconcile it is worth looking at what they ahve on offer.

It is important that you tell the children together. They need to know that they are in no way to blame. That you both love them and will work together to always make sure they are loved and well taken care of. Children will want a reason why you are breaking up. If you don't provide one they will invent one and may blame themselves. If the honest reason is simply that you have grown apart or are not each other's best friend tell them so.

It is extremely important that neither party apportions blame to the other. That is an adult endeavour that children are best insulated from.

Timing is tough to say. It needs to be no sooner than necessary but before things get acrimonious and they probably will when money and housing get going.

In my case, my ex-wifes behaviour was so cruel that I left the marital home. I wanted to stay but she refused to allow me to buy her out of her share even though she did nto want to stay there. She just wanted it sold. I took my boys (6 & 10) to look at houses with me. It makes a huge difference to them if they can be involved in that decision. If the marital home is going to end up being sold anyway, I believe you are better to sort out where you are going to live with them first. Mine are very happy with 'our' new house and don't want to leave the family home. When it is sold they will have to and they will not be happy, I think you can work out the scenarios for yourself.

I am sure you will find much support on here to guide you through.

Hi there

I know your worst fear is to have to tell the children and break their hearts. However, even at their ages they have probably realised something isn't right and obviously are aware you no longer sleep in the same room.

There are so many of us on here that have had to do exactly that. I don't know if there is a right or wrong way - however you soften the blow the facts remain the same. I think children can deal with simple and consistent honesty. No changing of stories or false promises. Deal with the facts first and tell them they are allowed to feel happy, sad, angry, worried, confused etc. I think at the ages of your children they will probably seem to accept everything in the beginning as they aren't mature enough to deal with the future. I found with my 2 who are a little older - it has only really hit them recently (7 months since we split) as they can see the permanence and reflect and feel sad.

Divorce isn't an uncommon phenomenon and no doubt the children will have friends that have parents that don't live together. Children are resiliant but very much pick up on their parents moods & emotions. If you and your ex try to remain positive & explain that you will be happier apart than together they will understand. Keep to school routines - don't show them that their lives will change that much - just that Mum & Dad will spend time with them seperately. Some kids even think it could be fun! Try and be positive - no child wants to ever know that their parents stayed together for their sake. Who needs that pressure?

Im my experience my kids can cope when they see Mum happy & Dad happy. They only get upset when my ex starts bitching about me - saying its not what he wants etc etc. Hey he's taking them to EuroDisney this year - that wouldn't have happened before.

Take care of yourself - sending you strength

SadEyes xxx

perrypower,

Thanks for that reply, every little bit helps in the constant search for clarity of thought.... conversation are tough at the moment and there is a world of hassle and disagreement to come, but I think (hoping not to be naive) that we can agree over the children and what to tell them.... I really like your expression that "we are just not best freinds anymore" I sincerely hope that emotion and anger, (not from me) do not destroy them...

I too have had and am having a very tough time staying in the house and have had to legally threaten my wife that her conduct is abusive and threatening... things have calmed down considerably, I even cooked for her and her parents on Christmas day... its does feel like the eye of the storm right now, I dont care about anything other than contact/residency and their welfare...

Thank you again... J

I am in the same boat as you! She has decided she didn't love me anymore in Oct08, I tried to talk but she says its over. We are trying to sell house and then split. I have acceted she wants out but I miss her already and we are still in the same house, I never thought this could happen to us, we have had up's and down's as does any marriage.

We haven't talked about telling the kids but it has been worrying me for ages so this is an interesting thread.

I wish we could work it out as I am dreading the day when I can't hear my kids mucking about at bed times

I guess we will tell them when we have an offer on the house, not looking forward to the day

Regards

as well as many other things that are taken for granted, its the not being there when they wake with a nightmare that I am terrified about and those inpromptu "daddy, can I have a cuddle"

As has been mentioned obove I am the same, the boys are very much aware that something is not right and both on occasion have been clingy and emotional with both of us... I want to remain diplomatic and unbiased here but the oldest has on more than one occaision asked mummy to stop shouting at daddy, the even came out with "mummy stop being sarcastic to daddy, it makes him feel sad inside" I had to leave the room as I was in tears!! they know something up so it feels all the more important to make sure that when they are 'told' its something that they can cope with, understand and not get too frightended about... I understand the comment made above that it may all be a novelty at the beginning and if my wife and I manage to (for their sake) get along it will be down the line that they realise its all a bit final and this is it forever....

Thank you so much for the replies... J

Hi
Had to tell the kids on my own hardest thing I ever had to do !!!!! They were 4 and 6 and 15
I can offer you advice but I dont know your kids so I would just be guessing. Try the NSPCC site it has useful information. I would saw if poss do it together and both of you have an input. Its the children who need to know they have done nothing wrong and they need reassuring that they will continue to see both of you. That you love them and that will never change. Short and simple is best but expect tears hugs anger and resentment. Its not easy hope you manage to be strong and keep their emotions paramount.
Take care x