how does the term 'absent parent' fit all?

How about 'Paying' parent and 'Receiving' parent cos that's what it feels like to me. I pay for everything, she receives, plus gets additional help from Government handouts, lives in a 4 bed detached house, rent paid part by Government, new car paid by yours truely from the settlement and holidays away with new bloke, oh and weekends on the razz every week whilst I work 12 hours a day and then devote my weekends to my children.

I am not absent by choice. In todays world, marriage means nothing and in most cases there seems to be massive incentives for a woman with children to get divorced and fleece the system.

Thats my view anyway.......

Thanks everyone for your input - I think Fiona said something very true in that it's probably most skillful to accept the unfairness than spend life kicking against it. However, I was thinking recently about how when my son is older I don't want him going through what I did. Have we really come to a point in our society where boys should be advised about how the deck is stacked against them?

Would I be preparing my boy for the world when he becomes a father by making sure he gets the child benefit in his name because it could mean losing his home and becoming a wage slave when all he wanted to do was the right thing? What a sad reflection on us as a society when that is probably one of the key pieces of advice I could give him.

Algy - thanks for that advice - I may well have to use it.

and Sgutt, my heart genuinely goes out to you. Keep the chin up, mate. I know there are fathers in much worse straits than me.

As for alternatives, when you apply for jobseekers, you're assigned a 'client advisor' and it seems to be affordable to 'the system' - Surely it's not rocket science that each case of separated parents could be looked at with a more complicated criterion than 'who gets the child benefit? - They're the winners then'. Perhaps in relatively amicable and equal situations a 'shared care family' legal status could exist.

However, I was thinking recently about how when my son is older I don't want him going through what I did. Have we really come to a point in our society where boys should be advised about how the deck is stacked against them?

I don't think any of us want our children to go through relationship breakdown, but statistically most will. It could also be said that having children stacks the deck against women so following the logic we would then advise our daughters not to have children. No children, no partners - is that the society we want for or have the right to impose on our children?

I see your point, Fiona - I suppose the whole thing is too complex for any general statement and follow the logic and you'll eventually be advising your children not to get out of bed. But it seems having children, at least with a partner who works and who wants to be involved stacks the deck very much in favour of women.

On reflection, most of this is a lack of social contract - That there is no shame in feckless fathers leaving their children, mothers capitalizing on the situation because the law is skewed in their favour or ruthless lawyers stringing the whole thing out while they watch their bank balances swell.

Why do you think the law is skewed in mothers' favour? Equality in the eyes of the law is treating people in the same circumstances in the same way. I was financially the stronger partner so our settlement was 67:33 in my ex husbands favour. CM covered about 20% of the direct costs of the children and I was paying about 60% of my income to support the children before taking housing costs, bills etc into consideration.

I've said it before but it's worth repeating, the biggest barrier to fathers sharing care for children post separation is the lack of shared care before separation and that is down to working practices of men. The reasons are here;

www.dad.info/work/can-you-share-work-and-kids-in-the-uk

'The system' could quite simply divide any Child Benefit payment between two parents, weekly or monthly. The fact it won't says much about the way we're governed. Other than that all it would take would be for us - the parents - to divide the Child Benefit up between us and undertake not make any additional CSA claim. Simple really - just physically hand over half the amount and behave decently and honestly. But for that to happen, which I'm sure it does in hundreds of amicable/grown ups splits, it would take a seismic shift in the mindset of those currently clinging hard to CB's and making what can only be called spiteful CSA claims aided and abetted by the state/CSA officials. Think karma is my advice.

I am sure that if the government employed a good IT expert they could put these systems into place. But they seem to have other priorities in spending our money.