Seven months.

I haven''t been on here for a while (perhaps I thought I was a person who could cope) but today is a landmark bad day as we have accepted an offer for our house, the lovely project that has partly been the ruin of my relationship and, with that, my life (although not as much a part as my own lack of proper care). Of course, in my ex''s haste to erase me, I wasn''t allowed to hold out for the best possible deal, but she has been fair about sharing the money that will result, to her credit. So today I have to come to terms with the inevitable, to accept finally that there is no reprieve, no miracle - her relationship with the third party won''t collapse, everything is indeed lost. I know this is not the lowest point, but it''s a ledge from which I can peer over into the remaining depths, and my heart sinks. I had believed I was getting better. Back in January or February, I tried to take a ''selfie'' while walking in the countryside. I took picture after picture, but I had to delete every one of them, because in each my eyes looked utterly dead and soulless. The skin around the eyes wrinkled in the normal way, the zygomatic muscles moved - but somehow it was never a smile, no matter how hard I tried. More recently, however, it seemed that I was more like myself. I wasn''t able to take pleasure in many of my old interests, but I found a little value in life, I could distract myself with puzzles, for example, I enjoyed the sun, and I didn''t have to just lie sleeping on the sofa to avoid reality. Friends at work helped me when I needed to talk, my employers cut me some slack when I needed it. I got out of bed in the morning and ate bacon sandwiches ritually. I had almost ceased to be clinically depressed. But then the ultimatum to sell the house arrived, accompanied by much use of the expression "I can''t...". Funny, I have never been allowed to say "I can''t", although everything I have been asked to accept and do is impossible. My doctor told me I had done "amazingly well", but prescribed an anti-depressant anyway. I started on it this morning. I have had to confront the fact that I''m nowhere near being healed, nor to finding the meaning in life of which I am now bereft (perhaps justly, as I didn''t recognise it or regard it sufficiently when I had it in my hands already). But I have to go on, and I am trying.

Divorce isn''t easy. You are doing well. I was on antidepressants and had counselling for months.

Once you actually accept things - the marriage is over - you can start to heal. While you are hoping things might get better you aren''t able to get on with your own life.

I know it is tough. My husband and I are only just getting round to divorce now, after being separated for 8 years. I thought I would be happy to move on, as I am in the marital home and it is too big to manage. But now that I am going to lose it, I find I am thinking sadly about no longer having my lovely garden etc.

But we need to look at what we will have - a new home, a new start.

I know it isn''t easy. At least your ex is being fair about sharing money. It could be much worse.

Keep posting and give those anti-depressants time to kick in. Don''t try to force things like taking selfies. Just focus on enjoying the walk. Be gentle to yourself. Admit you are hurting and you will feel better, rather than keep telling yourself you should be coping better. How we feel is how we feel. How we react to how we feel is our choice.

There are many landmark days when this journey starts,some of those are very sad but some of them are dare I say Happy.
Today was one of those days when you wish never happened (((())),but today was also the start of your new future journey,and new experiences.
You say everything is lost,its not!!,it will be different to what you planned,but you don''t know how your future is going to pan out yet,so please don''t say it''s lost,that''s giving up,that''s not treating yourself with the respect you deserve...

Ahh the windows to the soul,you can tell a lot about a person by these,and believe me,all of us would have been souless at some point.I remember a friend saying to me"Your getting there,the mischief and sparkle is coming back"Funnily enough when I think back,I cannot remember looking at my eyes,maybe I was afraid of what I would see,eyes are possibly one of the first things I notice in a person,yet I never looked at my own You have looked at yours,you have seen the despair there,so concentrate on getting them alive again

It''s good that you have had people to talk to,this is so very cathartic, believe me I talked for hours...but it helps...
Your GP is an ally for you,and give the anti depressants a chance to work,they will take a time to kick in,hopefully your on the right prescription and things improve on the health front.

Regarding healing!!!
I don''t know if we totally heal,when we go through something as traumatic as this,it leaves it''s scar.Although we can live with that scar and wear it with pride,but it will not define us....

Lonevoyage,as sad as it is,nobody can take this pain away,but we can be here for you,to support you as you go through it,sometimes reaching out to others is actually what we need.Virtual friends have no prejudice,they only know what we want to tell them,but they are always there for us....

Today is hard,tomorrow maybe harder,but you always have us,and of course bacon sandwiches;)
and at some point the sun will shine again.

Take care
Cwtchs
Afon Xx

Lonevoyage...i can''t wait to sell my house...i put blood, sweat and tears into this house and it was where my children grew up...it is time to move forward. These people are not worth head space so see it as a new beginning...all is not lost.

Hi Lonevoyage

Big hug''s coming your way, you''ve made it this far, thing''s will get better....i know it doesn''t feel like that right now, but they will, best wishes & try to keep positive x

I can''t wait to sell my FMH either. It is my Absolute dream house and I am going into rented but I don''t care. It means the last string will be cut to me ex. I can then move on physically and emotionally and I''ll no longer be under his control. Yay!!

Hi Lonevoyage, it sounds as though you are finally accepting that the relationship is over so no wonder you feel awful! We have all been in the situation of feeling better only to have a huge setback. I think that you are at the point now where your healing can really begin, so be kind to yourself and get it all out on here or by talking to a friend or counsellor. It is very hard to accept that your marriage has ended, but you will start to feel better again - that is for sure. Don''t think too much of the future as you will be looking at things through a negative filter at the moment. Just look after yourself, try to see the reality of the relationship good and bad and don''t pile blame on your shoulders. A big hug xx