Husband Left Me After 25 Years of Marriage

My husband announced to our two adult children and I (all separately) that he was leaving us, he "needs to get his head sorted". That was 8 days ago. In between working, he has been looking for flats but I couldn''t handle the fact that he was still living here so I asked him to leave as it was cruel on us all. He left on Saturday to stay in a B & B or whatever for two nights and from yesterday is living in our touring caravan on the site where it is stored.

He says he is unsure of what will happen. His intention is to be free of the stresses that are giving him trouble and to get some help with his mental problems.

One minute he is saying that it will be a maximum of 6 months and then hopefully he will be back then in the next breath he is telling me that he doesn''t love me any more and our relationship is over and then he has the audacity to blame me as I made him leave before he had somewhere to live!

Any help appreciated.

Hi Daisy

Welcome to Wiki. Sorry you find yourself here.

You are probably looking at the end of your marriage in all honesty, but I think you are aware of that.

You did the right thing for you by asking him to go when you did. I was in this situation with my ex and he ended up in a hotel and then with friends before he stayed with OW he was having the affair with because he had no where else to go, and the manner of his ending our marriage did not afford him a lot of help from our friends.

Your husband''s confusion is not fair on you to be potentially kept waiting "6 months" whilst he sorts out his issues. They are his issues so you should try and concentrate on moving forwards with your life. You are number one now, so you need to start building for your future, without waiting for him.

A fair few of us are blamed for the situation our exs find themselves in, that''s normal I think as they try and justify what they are doing. My ex is full of woe is me, he''s still selfish and he has not learnt anything from his actions. Many of our exs are full of regret for their actions when they realise the grass isn''t greener. I am to blame according to him because I wanted the divorce!

Keep posting on here and other Wikis will offer advice shortly. You are in a good place here with others who will become virtual friends and the support is immense.

Take care and be kind to yourself x

A very common reaction for you to get the blame I''m afraid. You need to concentrate on looking after yourself and your children - good for you for getting in the driving seat!

It''s really horrible when this happens especially unexpectedly but I agree that you shouldn''t be left waiting around for six months or whatever. Hopefully he can get the help for his problems but your life has to move on in the meantime or you might end up waiting all that time for nothing.

You had the strength to ask him to leave which was a start, it must be really awkward sharing a home with someone in those circumstances.

By keeping his options open to a possible return after 6 months, your husband is making it more distressing for you and the children. Expecting you to put your life on hold whilst he makes up his mind is cruel and he knows it.

It''s good that you had the strength to stabilise the situation by taking charge a bit. When you feel up to it, begin to make a plan. Assess your financial situation; look at your resources to see what your options are in terms of housing and finances. It may shock him into getting down off the fence and to focus on the issues when faced with your resolute manner.

When your marriage is falling apart it feels scary and fears of an uncertain future are very real, but don’t allow fear to make your decisions. All the things he’s said about not loving you and needing time to think, blaming you for him being without a home etc, are par for the course. We hear it more than you might think on wiki.

Is couples counselling a possibility? It might help him to explain what’s going on. He’s making you very unhappy and if he finds it difficult to explain, a trained professional may help to put things into perspective for you both.

Responses from wikis who understand the way you’re feeling will help you feel less alone and more supported too. Most importantly, take good care of yourself.

Unfortunately, whether your husband is having a mid life crisis or going through something more permanent and really wants a divorce, he does need help to get sorted. However, you have to exercise control as well, because in this scenario, your husband is holding all the cards.

I believe in therapy and perhaps it is the solution for your husband and you. But I would have this separation and discovery period end at 3 months. I am divorced, we went through couples therapy...together you will both know way before 6 months if you can save this marriage and if this is a mid life crisis event.

You were right in having him go to a B & B. Now I would get him to go to therapy, and you to go together.

Stand your ground. Be compassionate, yet strong. Hope this helps.
www.twitter.com/lifethrudivorce can also provide you with support and guidance in your journey.