A result of marriage breakdown or what?

hi everyone

My daughter went to a friends 16th birthday party last night and whereas normally (if husband was here) one of us would have gone to pick her up, i trusted her to get a cab home as i have an 11 year old son who I have either got to keep up and take with me on the taxi service or leave him in bed (home alone) which I dont particularly want to have to do so i trusted her (she is normally a sensible girl) to get a cab home.

I took her to a friends house before they went to the party as they were going to get ready together there, have some dinner with her family and then the mother was going to drive them to the party. Stupidly, i did'nt ask her for the address of the party I knew it was in the area we live she had said earlier in the week that he lived near to another friend of hers so I knew roughly the area but not the address.

I asked her what time she was going to be home and she said not too late, i took that to be around 12.0 clock or just before (i guess, i got so much on my mind that i never questioned time, address, just trusted her she is generally a nice sensible well behaved 16 year old)

Yep, you probably guessed by now, i fell asleep around 11.30 ish, i woke up at 2.30 am and she was not home (I s.....t myself (for want of a better expression and it the only one that accurately describes how i felt) i quickly phoned her mobile to get the orange voicemail on which i left a message. I waited, and waited, and waited, then i phoned again, it is now around 3.00 am the mobile was switched off. Angrily pacing the lounge floor and fuming at her and myself for not even knowing where the party is, thinking all sorts could have happened i felt physically sick wondered about calling her dad, anyone for help but thought better of it. Suddenly to my relief my mobile rings, but it is not her it is her ex-boyfriend he asked if i knew where she was as she had phoned him and he was worried because it sounded like she was really upset he said she had asked him if he could pick her up (he is 17 and drives) something had definitely happened he was worried. I felt like i was going to faint, i also felt like the worst mother in the world when i had to tell him that i did not know where she was she was at a party and gave him the name of the other kid but he never knew him either, i said i did know that the party was in the ex b/f's area somewhere he said i had better ring her and find out he would have a drive round area and see if he could find out where it was then he would ring me back when i found out the address. I felt frantic, ashamed, the full monty of feelings and emotions.

I got on my mobile and rang her got voicemail, left message and rummaged round her room for her address book to find friends numbers, whatever i could for info, then i received a txt message from her saying home soon getting a cab with a friend sorry it's so late. LATE! it's now 4.00 a.m what seemed like an eternity later her ex b/f's car pulls up outside he jumps out (can see him through the window) and hurriedly rings my doorbell - he cannot get her out of his car she is screaming at him and his female passenger in the front seat about dumping her he asks me to help get her out as she is drunk. I quickly put my flip flops on which are readily available in porch and go over to his car where she is slumped on his back seat screaming, shouting, swearing the lot I tell her to get out and come in, i gripped her upper arm to let her know im seriously upset. She gets out of car and her ex b/f gets back into the driver's seat, i say thank you to him and she goes ballistic at me starts shouting at me that she hates me, what am i thanking him for etc, etc i tell her to get indoors she will wake the street up (it was soooo embarrassing) but she wants to have a fight with me right there in the street. I really lost my temper and im fuming now i grab her by her top and drag her as much as i can onto the front telling her off etc, etc but she is 16 now, taller and fitter than me and i cannot get her in she is attacking me hitting me and the ex b/f got out the car to help me she then is hitting him and me (poor kid took one straight in the face) between us we manage to get her in i say thank you again she is in the lounge screaming abuse at me (stinking of drink)

I was devastated (and exhausted from the episode) shocked, i locked the front door and took all the keys to the door upstairs i decided not to try and talk to her as she was clearly drunk and left her downstairs without another word and sat in my bedroom (had a fag out the bedroom window, dont usually smoke in house but i was desparate i was shaking and tearful by now)

She had not come upstairs by time i had calmed down and had fag so i went downstairs thought she asleep in chair she was in the cloakroom lying on the floor asleep, i shook her and told her to get to bed she told me to go away she hates me and ex b/f.

I left her there, turned lights out and went back to bed. i got up at 8.30 am and she is now asleep in her room.

I dont know if i want to even bother trying to talk to her after the way she behaved last night, im dreading her getting up......

I lay awake the rest of the night wondering if this is a result of the breakdown of my marriage???? She was not close to my husband, never really was that close to either of us (very independent girl from the age of 2)

What the hell is going on in my life!!!!!!!!!!!

Given the neighbours something to talk about over the car washing ritual of the weekend! I feel like they must be always talking about us lot at number 39

Anyway just had to write it down, tell someone who might undersand.

Thanx

JJ

JJ

Stop beating yourself up. How many times has your daughter been drunk before? This is a phase she is going through. Do not have a row with her this morning. Keep checking on her but leave her to wake up on her own. When she wakes, take her water/coffee/juice etc in to help her. She will have one hell of a hang over and if you kick off it will make it worst. She needs you more than ever today and you must be there as a supportive mother, not someone who wants to give her a b*llocking for being out late and getting smashed!

You need to explain to her that you were worried about her and that was why you were so upset. Don't ignore what she said when she was drunk but don't bring it up today.

Mon

Hi JJ
I dont not mean this to be flippant because it is most definitely not. Perhaps she was letting off steam. Children get stressed out and effected by a divorce, and she is probably no different to any other 16 year old that goes through all the unsure emotions that they are being bombarded with at the moment. Do not take is personally, she was drunk, and we all know what can happen when we have had a few, she is just venting her anger and unfortunatley
'she hates you' I just wonder how many kids have said that to their parents for no reason at all.
JJ just wait for her to get up, make a cup of tea, be as calm as you can. She might not even remember what she has done, drink has a good way of wiping out the memory!!!!
Dont beat yourself up, that will not do any good, just remain a good caring, understanding, firm but fair mum, and she will appreciate this more than anything.
I really hope that all this ends in a great big hug between you both. let us know how it goes.
good luck
Zara

Drink has alot to answer for , if your feeling down to begin with the drink can take you on a further low , maybe with your daughter it has been many things exam pressure aswell prehaps ?

I can think back to when i was 16 did'nt we all think we knew it all at that age, i was bad 1 night i went out and did'nt come hom until gone 10am never gave my parents a second thought back then i thought why should i, i'm ok they will be asleep anyway wrong my mum never slept the whole night, can only see it now being a mother myself just how selfish and inconsiderate i was.

As mon says she is gonna have 1 stinking headache bet she will feel embarrassed too at the bits she can remember and hopefully she won't do a repeat episode any time soon, i would'nt argue with her but when her headache has gone hold her and just tell her how worried you was, she may open up what is really bothering her and the 2 of you can take it from there.

Good luck

Hi JJ

What a horrible night you had, poor you. Hope you are feeling a tinsy better now, if not skip the housework today and take it as a day of relaxation.
As for your daughter.
A good hangover killer is a fruit smoothie.. , if you dont have fresh fruit in the house just skip that and get an aspirin, water and tea. If you hear some noises upstairs put it on a tray, knock on the door, bring in it.. smile.. say: "How is your head" and give her the tray. Turn around and say: "once you are ready to talk just come down" and leave.
My son was so shocked that I did not shout at him that he came down one hour later with a head red like a fire engine and mumbled something where with a lot of fantasie I could make out ....sorry..wont happen again... We then were able to talk about it two days later.

If she remembers and it was the first time she is now full of fear and prob shame. She expects you to have a go at her. If you dont.. you show her that you still love her but this is more serious and you are prepared to treat her as an adult.

She behaved last night like a horrible adult..right now she is a small child.
Good luck.

None of this is your fault jj, don't go blaming yourself. We've all been there before, and it's only now we're older that we can appreciate what we must have put our parents through. But it's just part of growing up really. If it was me, I wouldn't let her off the hook - she has some apologising to do, but the main thing is to try to get her to learn from this - to keep you informed, to not drink so much, etc. But at that age I know it took me a good while to learn these things

Try to take it easy today and recover from the stress of last night

Hey JJ'

I have 4 daughters aged 17, 15, 13 and 11 so I like to think that I can offer you some advice.

I, too have been in your situaution, at least you were spared the vomit!!!

Sorry to say this but this is normal behaviour!! She will do it once maybe twice as my eldest did.

Each time it happened I tried to think back to my teenage years and remember drinking a litre of vodka as a bet and ended up in A&E!! I was one of 3 girls, divorced parents but we managed to cover for each other and my mum never found out!!

I clearly remember my younger sister telling my mum to f***k off!!

It's tough when you are doing it all on your own and you try and find reasons for your daughter behaving in such a way. She is trying to assert herself, trying to be "grown up" .

It's time to redefine the rules. She is a good girl overall and you want her to remain so. It could be alot worse...............ok she got very drunk but as long as she is still at school/college, not taking drugs or slleeping around she is doing ok. You should give yourself a pat on the back for doing so well and going through a divorce.

Let her know how upset and concerned you were for her safety and that you will not tolerate drunken behaviour and violence.

Make sure you know exactly where she is going, I even ring parents to check details. set curfews and pick her up until you can trust her again. Set alcohol limits eg. 2 glasses of wine and then soft drinks. If she is drunk she won't want a row at a party if you are picking her up!!

Take back control, although she is 16 she is still living in your home and has to abide by your rules.

She may do it again!!! I was very unsympathetic to hangovers and late nights! Get her up feed her, make sure she drinks lots of water and keep her busy with household jobs!!

I presume she has just done her GCSE's and left school and wants to be big now!

Your only consolation is that there are 1000's of teenagers out there doing alot worse

My eldest is now 17 and "far too mature" to behave like this but she still has a curfew, tidies her bedroom and has cuddles with her Mum. I have been divorced for 7 years, minimal contact with Dad, if you tell him he will only criticise you.

Good luck from one harrassed mum to another xx