I guess we all have a story

Hi. my name is David and at 53 I find myself struggling with the technology and my situation. Not sure what to say and how to say it, so will just introduce myself and give you my story. Please tell me whther that is not what I should be doing.

After 24.5 years of marriage my wife announced that she 'no longer wanted to make the effort with me'. I should explain, I am in the Forces and have spent the last 8 years working away from home so the family had a stable home life in a rented house near their Independent School. (3 children - now 22, 20 and 16). I have paid for schooling and also managed to buy my parents' house 5 years ago and put tenants in. Yes - Joint ownership. Tenants money now pays school fees. I used to go home on a Friday evening and return to work on a Sunday afternoon.

For the majority of the time my stbx chose not to work, but about 5 years ago I helped her through FE college and she got a job. Since then for the last 2 years at weekends I basically wrote her Diploma in Management so she could get a relevant degree and she is now a manageress.

I was shocked and had no idea what she meant, but worked out it was divorce she was after - promised me there was no one else. I stayed away at work for 5 weeks as she requested ' so she had time to think' but on my birthday, she emptied the bank account and transferred half to me as she wanted to 'move on'. I begged her to wait and talk. Then on return to home found the evidence - hotel bills, sex toys.... Stupid male huh! The last to know.

Agreed to divorce her on grounds of her adultery. Agreed to split all moneys and assets 50/50. Tried to be calm, did not even raise my voice - overwhelming sadness was (and still is) my greatest emotion.

She moved out with our 16yr old and rented somewhere. I offered money for maintenance the day she moved out - no response but a mugging letter from the CSA a week later - made me feel grubby to be honest. My solicitor sent her the adultery form. 4 months later her brief sent a letter saying she would not admit the adultery, wants to divorce me because of my unreasonable behaviour and now wants spousal maintenance. I earn more than her.

I pay the mortgage, keep the home rented from the Army and live in military accommodation (no cost to me 1-bed flat), pay CSA maintenance, help my other children if I can and try to have a life. Too much booze and NO it doesn't help you forget - maybe I should try the French Foreign Legion.

In order to gain the initiative, I have just petitioned the courts on the grounds of her unreasonable behaviour so the divorce is started. But not sure what her response will be.

So far my brief has charged me £2500 which feels very high for what we have achieved - an ignored letter and now a petition to the court which I pushed for. I just feel i am getting no real advice. I am off there tomorrow and hope for something more positive, but my understanding from my brief is that stbx has all the cards because of the length of the marriage and the 'style' to which she became accustomed.

Spent today drawing up my financial statement and am so worried. I am made redundant (age) next year. I have skills, but am finding it very difficult to find any future employment and as mine was the only pension I know I am going to end up after this sorry mess with little money for a deposit, potentially no job and no money and no one to share a cuppa with of an evening. Stressed and depressed and to be honest - lonely - London is a big soulless place and I work with men, so don't even meet women at work. Meanwhile, stbx is getting her emotional, physical and financial needs met quite nicely thank you.

On the plus side - my sister has been fantastic and I have a mate who is awesome, but I must be wearing them down by now and am conscious of that..

Sorry about that. If you took the time to read it - Thank You. I found it cathartic.

DWH

Hi David,

Sorry I can't offer any practical advice to you but just wishing you all the best for your awful situation. I only found this site a couple of days ago and so far I have found everyone really supportive, I'm sure somebody will give you some good advice regarding your situation. Things will get better,
Take care,

Hallo David and welcome to Wikivorce

glad you found it cathartic to share your story - sometimes just getting the thoughts out of your head and onto paper/screen is a great relief.

I can't help with the legal/financial side of things as I have yet to embark on all that.

But I can say that I do understand the feelings - my ex and I had been growing apart and I was relieved when he agreed to a separation - I then found out that he already had someone lined up to move in with, but had to carry on as normal till our elder son did his GCSEs. I felt grubbied by being part of his sordid secret. It was also hurtful that while I was mourning our failed relationship he'd just tossed away 31 years to jump into bed with the first woman that looked at him.

He didn't tell the boys about her either, left that to me. Now he wonders why they don't want to spend time with her.

It's like finding out you've been married to someone completely different from the one you thought you were married to! But the good news is that you are now free to reinvent yourself.

There is a Wikivorce London meet - see the box on the left of this - next Saturday, meeting in a pub and then going on to a Chinese restaurant. You might want to come. I haven't been to one before but I intend to go - I am making myself go out and meet new people as well as seeing all my old friends.

Whether you can come or not, keep posting here. I'm sure someone here will be able to advise on the finances for you.

Hi David

Welcome to Wikivorce.

I can't offer practical advice either... fortunately, we have our own divorce lawyer here (see her pic on home page, top right corner). She gives free legal advice in her surgery on weekdays 6-8pm.

I can well imagine your frustration in your situation. This is a time for looking ahead, children grown, family settled, future secure... in the year that I have been a member here, I am horrified by the number of people divorcing at this point, with some 20+ years thrown away.

For someone who is not versed in technology, you write a mean introduction. I'm only sorry that your circumstances have brought you here. However, 'here' is a great place to be - lots of people in your situation and some great support on offer.

Take care and try to upskill your technology capability by popping into chat

Shezi