A complicated mess

Hi Just found this site and have had a read through some of the trauma you are going through If you don't mind I would like to get my story off my chest.

Have been married for 9 years although for the last 18 months things have been really bad. My wife told me 6 weeks ago that she wanted to end things after I told her that we had run up some significant debt. That came about as she packed in work to go to medical school and I have been trying to support the family on my salary alone. Initially I accepted her decision but as we could not afford to rent anywhere else we are still under the same roof. Once the pressure of the relationship was lifted we started to get on although we have been in separate rooms etc.. Then a couple of weeks ago she went out with a friend and stayed over. When she got back I put the suitcase back in the loft and the leaflet from a pack of condoms fell out. I was gutted and couldn't believe she had done this while we were still in the same house. I am paying all the bills her car insurance etc. and putting all the food on the table. I found the pack of condoms and there were none missing. When I confronted her she said nothing had happened. Then tonight she told me she is going out again in the week and will be staying over. I told her that I felt it was wrong if either of us had another relationship whilst we are under the same roof but she turned round and said I was free to see someone if I wanted. I know she will be seeing someone this week and it is ripping my heart out. I feel I am being betrayed even though I know the relationship is over, is this normal?

I have written a letter to her tonight asking to be told the truth as I would rather know so that I can move on and deal with it, but my head is just a mess at the thought of her doing this while we are in the same house. I told her that once we are apart she is free to do what she wants am I just hanging on to something that went a long time ago or is she just taking the P$£!

Advice appreciated.

Hi BD and welcome to Wikivorce

I'm sorry you found yourself here in this way but at least you have come to a very supportive place.

You ask is this normal... I don't think there are any rules here anymore. In terms of the legalities, a sexual relationship whilst still married constitutes adultery. However, proving that in court is extremely difficult.

On a moral level well... I guess that comes down to what values an individual holds. I've listened to peeps here on that subject over the last year and it seems to be impossible to find a common agreement. In the end, for me, it's about respect. There is little point one person laying down 'rules' that the other doesn't agree to. I don't think I would stick to rules I hadn't agreed with in the first place. So, I suggest you discuss with your wife the subject of respect and try to find some common agreements. For example, what would she not be happy with? Would like you to agree to? Some compromise might be necessary.

Some will agree, in your situation, not to have a relationship with someone else whilst still living together - others will not. My personal view is that, if you are no longer living together as man and wife, yet you object to her being with someone else, I think that's something you need to think about. Just what is it that is bothering you? Are you still hoping to reconcile?

Some people end a relationship and move on immediately. Others take time to heal. It's a very personal thing. Talk to her in a calm and reasonable way and try to set out some things you can both live with.

In the end, though, there isn't a lot you can do if she insists on meeting other men. That comes with the territory of separation / divorce.

Good luck

Shezi

The trouble is I still love her and have asked her to reconsider but she said that her decision was final. I know our relationship is over but I guess I am hanging on to something that isn't there any more.

Hi Biker,

It sounds to me like you already know the answers to your questions. You can't force people to love you, or want to be with you.

It sounds like you haven't really lived as a couple for a while? Separate bedrooms aren't as uncommon as you might think, but that is usually on a consensual agreement that while not sleeping together, you are still a couple. Is this something agreed by both of you?

Your partner's lack of honesty is an issue (it never ceases to amaze me how much another persons dishonesty can cause such pain). I'd agree that it sounds like she's having her cake and eating it, and it's up to you how much more you put up with that behaviour. Again, it is really up to YOU and how you feel about it.

It sounds like you've come to your own conclusions and you want validation for your feelings, and I am willing to validate them (they are your own feelings after all), but ultimately, it's only you who can make the decision.

You say you still love her, but do you really? Or are you in love with your ideal image of her?

Whatever you decide, there are lots of people here who will support you. Good luck. (((hugs)))

absl.

Times like these are really difficult as you go through so many emotions. One minute you're strong next minute you want them back so badly you would do anything to stay together.
You say you love her but sometimes love gets confused with something else. You need to sit and talk to her and decide which route is best for all concerned.
Take each hour as it comes, that's the best way.
((((big hug)))
Teresa X

Biker.
mate this is terrible for you and I can only imagine how you must feel.
we split although there is no one else up to now. But it still killed me.
One thing you have to remember....... you are living in a hell hole with debt around you and she is living a life of security, she has the roof over her head, bills paid nd food on the table and now she gets to go out in a car you pay for and sleep with another guy and probably buy him drinks with money you gave her for housekeeping, get the finances sorted. Get your own bank account and start to get your life sorted. Trust me she (or they sorry) an happen to either gender, will use you as a safety net. The cat is well out of the bag and you need to know that her relationship may not go well, in 95% of cases these initial relationships fail, thats when she comes crying to you and you think your in for a chance or reconciliation, no, the other man and her didnt work out, she eeds the safety net. Its hard and all the letters you write all the tears you cry and all the talking, will not change anything.
She has already well moved on, time for you to pack your rucksack so to speak, its hard, so terribly hard. But an you trust this woman anymore?

Cheers Guys

god what a night I reached rock bottom and now I feel OK, I guess the troughs will keep coming but will level out eventually. I have got my head stuck on the thought of her with someone else and its a really unhealthy place to be. I think that I may say I love her but I really am in love with the thought of it and am struggling with rejection. I am going out for a long walk, the poor dog wont know what's hit it!, and will try to get it straight in my head. If I can I guess my next question is what should I do if she is seeing someone. Should I just shrug my shoulders and keep the peace for the sake of the kids or should I stop paying for the running of her car, her food and everything else I am doing.