Devastated

Hi everyone,

As I write this I am sobbing; I don't know what to do. I cannot eat or sleep.

I have been with my husband 23 years (21 married) and we have 3 children, 17, 19 and 21.

My husband (a pilot) came back from his last trip (3 weeks ago) and said he'd met someone else. He'd been texting her for a year and they had spent the week away 'getting close'.

He then said he'd made a terrible mistake and that he's severed all contact with her. So we gave it a go. But he was distant. I looked at his phone and sure enough he was still texting her.

He's away on another trip now and as a parting shot (on the phone not to my face) he said he's fed up with lying to me and is crazy about her. It felt like a knife to my stomach.

What is confusing me is he was still sexually active with me until the morning he left (could he do that if the love was dead) he said he loved me, now I am so confused.

He seems to have changed completely in one month (since the trip with her). He's not contacted me once since going away to see if I'm ok. He was my best friend and I still love him, he seems to have actually gone slightly mad.

I am totally devastated, I want him back, but I don't want to be walked all over. He refuses to say what he really wants, he just runs away. Q. if our marriage is completely dead - why did he carry on sleeping with me?

Sorry to ramble on, but I don't work and I am scared to leave the house right now as I am shaking. (He's 46 and I'm 45).

Hi loopyloo45,

I know how much it hurts as I have gone through the shock of finding that my stbx was having an affair. Atleast your husband told you.

Having said that, I should say sexual relations are nothing to do with love for most men. My stbx tried it on with me after saying he loves me and will leave her. But unfortunately, i had heard him sitting in his car in the garage talking to her just 30 minutes earlier! That was a reality check for me!

If you want to save this marriage, you should probably try relate and counselling to talk through the issues. You can do it as a couple or by yourself. I was told being clingy and trying to make men guilty only chases them away. So try talking to your husband without blaming anyone.

Anti-depressants helped me feel stronger and deal better with my issues. Ask your GP for more info.

I'm not sure how helpful I have been. I wish you all the best and hope everything goes well for you both.

thank you tryingtocope,

your post is helpful. At 3am I was on the verge of texting him to say I love him, but, as you say being clingy probably won't help. I also think that if he knows I am still there - he can carry on with her - yet if he see's her as (ok very desirable at the moment) but likely to cause him to loose everything, maybe, just maybe she'll seem less attractive. I don't understand women like her - she has no regard for his wife/children od 20-odd years.

Thank you for your reply - I am on anti-depressants, my mother has just arrived so I shall post back later x

Hi I have just read your intro. I have been with husband exactly the same time as you , 23 years, 21 married and have a 19 yr old and a 21 year old. MY H told me on New years day that he doesn't love me anymore and that he wanted to leave to' sort his head out' he said there is no one else, but who knows!? reading lots of blogs on this web site I know that lots of men lie. He moved into his mothrs house.I didn't contact him for nearly 4 weeks, then I called him and he agreed to meet saying that he wanted to talk, and that 23 years is a long time to give up on. We me up and he said he wanted to try and make it work, we dated a few times and hen he moved back in, but left again a week later saying the same thing. I have no idea if there is anyone else and to be honest I don't want to know. I hurt enough without the added thought of that, but again, same as you, we had sex every night that he was home, and I don't understand how they can do that. he also said to me that he felt the same way about me as he had when he first met me, and then 3 days later he left! What happens to these men? I really feel for you. I have not contactted my x now for nearly 5 weeks. It has been really hard, but I think that the only way i can get over him is to try and move forward and speaking to him will put me back. Every day I miss him, but we will won't we, they have been there all those years and noe they aren't, it will take some time to come to terms with. I hope your kids are supportive of you. Try to take each day as it comes, some days will be easier than others. hugs to you, Nasus

hi loopyloo. welcome to wikiwonderful.
so sorry for you but the advice given you is good. i only contact my x when i have to. it gives me some peace in my life.
keep posting on here,it will help i can assure you.
take care x

I read a post this morning about someone saying their solicitor said that from this point they are dealing with a stranger not the person they were married to and in love with and arranged everything with in the past.

This is a very, very hard thing to accept, but its true and so much for me, the person is so different, even down to the cups and plates she has now, and the air fresheners, yuk, never would we have chose those things, and dont thing I was a controller....

The best thing to do is act business like, if you do things like text and say you still love them, they actually feed on that and it makes them stronger, its like a safety net I guess as if everything went wrong they know they could persuade you to take them back, until next time.

Time to thing of yourself, get sorted, get finances sorted etc.
You will be ok, your kds will be with you.

I have to say as a man, some of you have said that men can just have sex without loving someone, true, so can women, but my feelingn on reading this are that if I had been with someone for so long and I was contemplating leaving I would not be able to make love with them, as I feel I would be betraying myself, I eally do, I doubt I would be capable to be honest i think the guilt would be so strong, which is what these people experience, but that doesnt explain why this guy did sleep with you so near splitting up. But its just my thoughts.

My situation is also very similar, execpt it was my wife of 18 years who went and had an affair. There is a lot of talk about 'mid life crises' and I am convinced my wife had, and is still going through one of these'

I have pasted below one of the things I read about the whole mid life crisis thing which really made it clear for me.

The other thing you must realise is that the person changes totally. Those of us left behind believe we are dealing with the person we have been with for years, and that they will have the same memories and feelings of loyalty..... but we are often not! They become someone else!

'We often dismiss a MLC as something trivial and sometime it indeed is. If you just end up buying a flash car or take up bungee jumping or hand-gliding then there's no harm done(hopefully). Once a spouse seriously contemplates a physical or emotional affair or a breakaway without formally informing their other half, then the MLC has moved into dangerous territory. Fail to recognise the potential threat that a MLC combined with an affair can pose and you can easily turn your life and the life of the one you love upside down.
In an attempt to deal with their feelings and especially if they are also in the midst of an affair, someone going through a MLC will use the following mechanisms to cope:
Fantasy: imagining that a life other than the one they already live will definitely be much better.
Idealization: only seeing the good points in the other person they are having an affair with
Projection: people going through a MLC while distancing themselves from their spouse, often claim that their spouse has little in common with them
Provocation: someone going through a MLC may try to provoke their spouse into a reaction that gives them justification to leave
Substitution: Without being able to clearly identify the actual reason why they are feeling the way they are, they will blame other factors such as a loss of freedom, or missed career opportunities, the marriage itself, or 'falling out of love'. These are more often symptoms, not the cause.
By far the worst factor I can think of is denial, because often denial of denial follows, and when that happens, the victim is unable to see themselves using any of the above coping mechanisms. They will deny all responsibility for their actions, make decisions based on 'feelings' and come up with a justification for everything they do. Once this stage is reached then it is near impossible to turn things around.'

I have found the best way is to get to a point where you starting moving forward and recovering and to focus on that rather than fight a futile battle to save the marriage. Only you know when you get to that point, but you will get lots of support from the people here as you find that point, and then start the moving forward.

S