Devastated

'We often dismiss a MLC as something trivial and sometime it indeed is. If you just end up buying a flash car or take up bungee jumping or hand-gliding then there's no harm done(hopefully). Once a spouse seriously contemplates a physical or emotional affair or a breakaway without formally informing their other half, then the MLC has moved into dangerous territory. Fail to recognise the potential threat that a MLC combined with an affair can pose and you can easily turn your life and the life of the one you love upside down.
In an attempt to deal with their feelings and especially if they are also in the midst of an affair, someone going through a MLC will use the following mechanisms to cope:
Fantasy: imagining that a life other than the one they already live will definitely be much better.
Idealization: only seeing the good points in the other person they are having an affair with
Projection: people going through a MLC while distancing themselves from their spouse, often claim that their spouse has little in common with them
Provocation: someone going through a MLC may try to provoke their spouse into a reaction that gives them justification to leave
Substitution: Without being able to clearly identify the actual reason why they are feeling the way they are, they will blame other factors such as a loss of freedom, or missed career opportunities, the marriage itself, or 'falling out of love'. These are more often symptoms, not the cause.
By far the worst factor I can think of is denial, because often denial of denial follows, and when that happens, the victim is unable to see themselves using any of the above coping mechanisms. They will deny all responsibility for their actions, make decisions based on 'feelings' and come up with a justification for everything they do. Once this stage is reached then it is near impossible to turn things around.'


Thank you so much IGB, this was written for me - I am convinced my estranged H is having a MLC as well as PTSD from Iraq tour and this just about proves it for me. he has all of these. This has helped me a lot today so thanks.

Thank you all for your detailed, informative and supportive replies, it's lovely that complete strangers will take the trouble to do this.

My husband returns from s trip away today, he didn't text me all week (after saying he was 'crazy' about her but still loves me).

I phoned him yesterday and he told me that the other woman has left her boyfriend and everything is a mess. He works with her boyfriend (who is devastated and asked her to marry him).

I feel she is railroading him forward too quickly. They texted each other for a year, then spent a week together - so how can he give up on 23 years for that?

Especially as he says he loves me.

Anyway, he is due home in 2 hours and I am terrified he will tell me we're through. He said yesterday that he HAS to see her again and is going to see her tomorrow (staying the night) and will be back sunday.

He feels after what he's done, I will not be able to forgive and that the marriage has no hope.

I feel he is going through a 'madness' and I am prepared to try.

I am shaking, sweating and unable to sit still waiting for his return, I am wondering what to wear so he still wants me.

Please don't say my marriage has no hope at all:(

Oh sweetheart - I hope you are ok today?

I am going through something similar and for weeks and hoped and hoped that he was just doing what he had done before (years ago he finished with me and then we got back together)

There is still a tiny part of me who thinks things might go back to how they were, but I know they never can. I think there is someone else

Big hugs
xxxx

hi Loopyloo, i really feel for you and know exactly how you feel, your posts are a very descriptive testament to the position you are in and the way you feel...... at the moment.
Apart from the partner who is having the `crisis` or `madness`, making excuses or laying blame for their behaviour, another phenomenon, at this stage, is the way the injured party tries desperately to believe these excuses , it`s better than accepting the fact that your partner has chosen someone else over you and done it whilst of sound mind.
You feel like this at present but you will not feel this way forever, when the dust settles and you get stronger and see this for what it is you will feel differently, i promise you.The only way you will put your relationship back together is if his new one doesn`t work out, effectively you will be , as someone else pointed out, his safety net or to be blunt 2nd best. No one deserves to be treated like this and the blatant disrespect is disgusting behaviour, i`m sorry but you will have to swallow an unprecidented amount of crap to be able to forgive this and move on.
When time passes you will wonder why you felt so desperate to put your relationship back together at any cost but you wont see that now, my advice is to stop begging and to distance youself and minimise contact, you will start to feel better soon, it`s a long road but you have to set out on it sometime.
I wish you all the best , you deserve better and you will get better

Either way you need to start a plan of action.

If he leaves you will need to be strong for you so you need to start doing thing to look after you:

1. Stop contacting him unless he contacts you first.
2. Do not beg him to come back; in fact try to not mention this at all.
3. Start looking after you- dress nice, wear make-up, wear perfume.
4. Don't put your life on hold 'waiting' for him to come back (he may not). Instead LIVE a life. Go out; meet up with friends. Don't always be available to him 24/7.
5. Portray yourself as a sexy, self assured woman who can look after herself. Fake it till you make it..

All these things will help you cope but they will also show your husband that you are still capable.. you will automatically become more attractive to him because you are showing him an assertive, 'look at me I am ok' woman instead of a needy, panicky woman...???

Either way... these things will be beneficial for you to help you move forwards..

(((Hugs)))