My Story

Hi,

This is my first post on the site and I just wanted to let you know a bit about my story.

Me and my wife first met at University about 6 years ago and actually had rooms right opposite each other in the 1st year in the halls of residence. We quickly developed a close bond and began dating around 4 months after starting Uni. We continued to live together at Uni in different places throughout our respective 3 year courses. We were not that kind of couple that were constantly around each other and we had alot of friends who we saw seperately and went out with individually. We were very close and got along amazingly well and were almost like best friends as well as partners.

We got engaged after 2 years whilst still at Uni and continued our studies until 2006 when we finally graduated. Once Uni had finished we moved back to live with parents for a few months whilst getting jobs and trying to find a home. We moved into a house in early 2007 and started to plan the wedding. Well she started to plan the wedding! We only got married in July last year! I know! and it was the happiest day of both of our lives. I thought that I had found a soul mate, someone who I could rely on and spend the rest of my life with. Just after the wedding I was made redundant from my job and was able to find employment luckily after only 5 weeks. It was an incredibly stressful time though and we were both very concerned about the financial situation as we were paying mortgages, loans, etc etc. Once i started my new job it was based around shift patterns and i started working lots of weekends and quite a lot of late shifts that meant i wasn't getting home until 9 oclock at night. My wife had a 9-5 job so she would often be in bed by 10 and we were not really seeing that much of each other. It was around Nov when she started going out quite a bit just to friends houses and stuff whilst i was working and i did not have a problem with it at all cos i did not want her to be on her own every night I was on lates.

Towards the end of Nov and Dec though my wife appeared to be going out nearly every other night and i could tell that we were not really clicking as we once had. I kept asking her if everything was okay and she would always say yeh its just the shifts and that we should do more etc. I knew that when Christmas came that i could relax and take time off and get back to spending time together and enjoying ourselves. Problem was i think it was too late as i could tell my wife was acting differently and seemed to be drinking a bit more than usual. Just before Christmas i confronted her and asked her why she was acting differently and she told me that she needed a bit of space on her own as she wasn't sure how she was feeling. This came as a massive shock and i couldn't quite believe it. Married for 5 months and she was looking for space? I was really hurt to think that she had become so unhappy in the space of a few months after only marrying 5 months earlier. We talked it through though and decided that it was due to my redundancy and working hours and that we would concentrate on having a great Christmas and spending more time together. Christmas day came and went but i could still tell that my wife was acting pretty strange. I started to feel as though we were housemates more than partners and i asked her again if she was okay and she again said that she didnt know what she was feeling and needed some space. I agreed that she needed some time so i went and stayed with my friend for a few days.

Well that was 3 months ago and since then a whole host of things have happened. I found out that my wife had been seeing alot of a guy from work after he joined her dept in late October- Nov. I have asked her so many times if anything happened or is happening with this guy and she has denied it all saying that she feels as though she has lost part of her personality and does not feel the same way about me as she used to. She had stayed at this guys hous a few times whilst pretending to stay at her mates and again she has admitted lying about this but is adament that nothing happened and that they are good friends. Thing is I want to believe her but i really don't think i do anymore. She used to have a fair few good male friends even when we were at Uni and I always had the upmost trust in everything she did and said but the last 3 months have shown me that I cannot really trust anyone as if she can do this then how can I ever believe anyone again.

We have continued to see each other more as friends if anything but i have tried sorting it out and talking with her but she seems very cold and different to the person who i once knew. Her close friends who i am also close to have also noticed a big change in her and she has started dressing differently and acting like she used to before we got together.

I am so lucky to have a great family and some top mates to talk to and i feel as though things are getting easier slowly. Me and my wife have made an appt to go to couples therapy and i'm not sure what it will bring but i have became very angry recently due to her constant lying and almost innocent attitude. I understand that the problems were caused by both of us and she can't take all the blame but i find it hard to accept that she has tried nothing to resolve our problems and after only 5 months of marriage left without giving us a real chance to get through it. I'm sorry to go on and i understand that this is long winded. Believe me I could probably go on for hours but i'll leave it there for now.

Justice for the 96 (YNWA)

Hi Tores. Welcolm to the site. Life has lots of ups and downs and marriage can be a grind at times. But the idea is that you make a commitment for richer for poorer etc. The thing is that some people dont understand what a marriage is. It can be dull and at times hard. And if yr partner is away working or working late you are not supposed to confide in another as she has. She has betrayed you a bit there. I think the relaisation has hit home that she is married now. And her reaction to this is to act like she is single. And of couse she isnt.

But see what comes out of counseling. But it doesnt bode well that you have hit the rocks so soon. It could be a lucky break for you as loosing yr job and having to work shifts is nothing realy. Worse things happen to couples and its like water off a ducks back. Best ones, C.

Hi Marshy,

Yeh i know what you mean, i have thought about this so much over the last 3 months and i know that my wife has almost panicked and thought that her life was over at 24. Thing is she has told me that she has only realised recently that she had not been happy for a few years and that every step we took like getting a mortgage and getting married was supposed to make things better! That is what has really got to me as if she thought those things then why would you marry somebody? Thing is though every person that knew us has reacted in the same way I have. Sheer disbelief as everybody that knew us always said that we were so right for each other and how happy we always looked together. Just shows you that you should never count your chickens!

Cheers

Tores

I am so sorry that this has happened to you. Counselling may help you both to understand your relationship and yourselves and eachother better, whatever the outcome.

You sound quite level-headed and sensible, but I expect you are experiencing a variety of emotions at the moment.

Keep posting and pop into chat if you want cheering up or to meet members.

Hi Torres. True. Dont count yr chickens. The thing with marriage is that its about the big C, commitment. And if she thinks her life is over, many would say that its just begun. But if thats the way she feels then I guess its over. I was told "I cannot believe yr over. You seemed so right la la la". But in my case they couldnt see what went on behind closed doors. But at least you know and fairly quickly. You havent had to go thru having kids and all the rest of the damage that comes with years and years with someone. And if it does end. You can put it behind you and move on quickly and maybe stay freinds. Who knows. C

Hi Torres

Welcome to the Wiki.

One thing I have learnt from my divorce is that it takes alot of hard work to make a marriage work. Me and my ex had a short marriage. We were trying hard to put the money together for a house....both worked hard...saved hard..but that meant not enough time together...not being able to go out etc.. one tries to do the best without realising that some other part of the marriage is sufferring.

i do hope that couple's counselling help. if not, you will be able to move on and rebuild ur life.

take care
claymic

Claymic78 wrote:

One thing I have learnt from my divorce is that it takes alot of hard work to make a marriage work. Me and my ex had a short marriage. We were trying hard to put the money together for a house....both worked hard...saved hard..but that meant not enough time together...not being able to go out etc.. one tries to do the best without realising that some other part of the marriage is sufferring.
claymic

Hi clay. But this shouldnt take the marriage down. It does take effort to make it work. But you have to be both strong and have commitment. Things happen in life to test a marriage and if one of you is not strong enough it will fail. I think thats why its a good idea to live with someone for a few years 1st. That way you get to see what they are like under presure. Adultary usualy totaly destroys marriage or it so severly weakons it that it just collapses soon after. Life is so cack sometimes, C.