g'day from downunda

Hi all,
I'm new here but have been chatting a little on the chat site & thanks for all the support on there.
So here's my introduction, is any needed? Here I am on a divorce support forum, what a sad lonely LOSER I am!

I have been with my partner for 19 years. We have three boys aged 15, 13 & 8. We got married 7 years ago.
We met in the UK. I am dual citizen (Australian) & after our second child we decided to move to Aussie as it is a much better place (in my humble opinion) to raise a family. UK is great but you need a lot more money for the same standard of living as here. Also I grew up around London & didn't want my kids growing up like I did (drugs, gangs, crime etc) & there is a lot less of it here (though I realise you can fall into the wrong peer group anywhere). Having said that my kids are into surfing & sports.

It all started a few months ago (November 08) when my dad died suddenly & unexpectedly. I went to the UK in December to bury him. Whilst there I found out he died intestate (he owned 3 houses) with everything going to my stepmum. My stepmum intensely dislikes me & hasn't even spoken to me from the age of 13 up. My dad had recently asked me to be executor of his will, I was in regular contact with him on the computer & spent many hours playing online crib & chatting with him. I had recently told him how much I loved him so nothing was left unsaid between us when he went. Unfortunately he never made a will, my stepmum says he cancelled the solicitor appointment to buy the Mac I recommended to him. She also blames me for his death as she reckons the stress of the new computer pushed him over the limit.

Whilst over in UK I phoned my wife & told her I had nothing from his will. Unbeknownst to me that same night she went out & started an affair & shagging someone else. Were the two events related I ask myself? I came home from the UK & was so happy to see my beautiful wife. I love her. I noticed she was very cold to me when I got back. Little things like when we are asleep together we did synchronised spooning, that had stopped. Her mobile was on permanent silent. I just knew something was wrong. I asked her repeatedly 'there's something you need to tell me, I don't know what it is but I know there's something'. To which she denied. A few days after I got back she told me (not asked) that she was going away with friends. I realised that I had bought her mobile phone & it was still in my name so I checked the call records & found over 300 in a week to 1 number at all times of day & night. I confronted her about this & she said it was harmless chat with a friend. I phoned the number up & found out it was my oldest sons form teacher. She eventually admitted she was having an affair with this man. I was devastated. 19 years & I can honestly say I have never even kissed another woman. So she was screwing my sons teacher. This guy knows I have 3 kids at the school & that I was away (even though she secretly carried on the affair after I had returned home) & that she was a married women. Does that cross the boundaries of ethical professionalism I ask?

So after the shock I decided to try to forgive (I couldn't forget, I'd lost a of of trust) & go to Marriage Guidance & aim for reconciliation. It didn't work, she says she loves me but not in the way she should & doesn't like me. It seems marriage guidance is all about making the women feel justified in her actions. I suppose if you can keep 50% of your customers repeatedly coming back & happy that's good business.
She says I'm a control freak which I emphatically deny. I have let her do anything she wanted to & have supported her in work & leisure as best I can.
Now she is moving out to a rental property (just a stone's throw away).I will loose my house & maybe my kids. She is character assinating me by saying I hemmed her in, didn't support her & was jealous of her. In her eyes I have become an abusive partner, which, once again I emphatically deny, I think she is justifying her actions, of which she has said she has no remorse. Maybe it's her mid life crisis? I have just tried to keep us together, she was/is the most important person in my life. Everything I have done in has been to support her, our family, & a better way of life. (in which I have succeeded until recently) In some ways I see how recently I have become more scared of loosing her, her recent freinds have all been divorced mums who enjoy partying on their week off from the kids. I have seen her welcome & embrace these as her best friends & spending more & more time with them whilst my whole life has been devoted to her & our family alone. I must admit it has scared me & I've tried to cling on to her more which has probably driven her further from me. She is telling all our mutual friends (which most of which I have lost) that I am an abusive, jealous, unsupportive partner. We have never had physical punch ups & in the last few months she has hit me on more than one occasion & tells me I am a phsyco. (I must add I did not hit back in any way, it's not my nature, honest).

It's even got to the point where she resents our wedding. 7 years ago (on Australia day, I'm never gonna miss that one!) I arranged a surprise wedding. We'd been together 12 years, had 3 kids, 2 continents & 3 houses between us so I thought I'd do the honourable thing. I had arranged all the wedding details (we got married down the road at Hardy's Winery) & woke her up with a bottle of Champaign, a red rose & a card to please marry me later on that day. I had organised her best friend to take her to town for a beauty treatment & made sure there was a beautiful dress in her size paid for (not white!). For years she was rapped & told all her friends what a great day it was & how romantic was I. Now it's just an example of me being a control freak.

I can't understand how now she is resentful of things I allegedly did 19 years ago & cannot remember all the good times we had together. Why do women remember every bad thing you ever did but never the good points (sorry to any lovely ladies reading this diatribe).

Anway, so she's off, the love of my life.
The dreams I had of growing old gracefully together - gone.
Of taking our grandkids away on holidays together - gone
All my future dreams - gone

I feel like one of those cartoon characters;
- crossing the road & gets run over by a car (dad dying)
- stands up, keeps crossing & gets run over by a juggernaught (no inheritance)
- stands up again & gets rolled over by a steam roller (loosing the most precious thing I ever had, my wife)

STILL, AS SOMEONE ONCE SAID, 'YOU GET KNOCKED OVER 7 TIMES YOU STAND UP 8 TIMES!

Sorry for the long diatribe of an intro, I just got diagnosed with clinical depression & anxiety. I wonder why.

Take care all...

God how awful for you.. There are no words that can help you at the moment as its too soon and still raw from the hurt your wife has caused. Like you, the feelings of finding out that someone you loved and cared for so long can cause all this misery is devastating, not only for you but your kids. My husband is back just now pleading for another chance, although I believe he will never do this again, the coming weeks will tell. For me ? who know. I know I love him with all my heart but like you, all the lies, deceit and betrayal and visions of them together are very real in my head at present. I worry I might hate him over the coming months, but desperately want my marriage to work. Keep your chin upyour certainly not alone here. Time is the greatest healer. Bur give yousef time to go through the emotional rollercoaster that you will, its normal!! take care and hugs to your kids

just wanted to send you a big {{{{{HUG}}}}}

most of us on wiki dont want to be here, but find comfort in doing so. Hpefully you will get some comfort from the support you will find here.

You are in the first stages of grieving for a relationship that is now gone coupled with a grieving for your dad.

Take it day by day some will be good others will be bad but eventually the sun will shine for you xx