Hi, I'm new here ....

I am day 11 to finding out she is having an affair. She is spending the nights at his place, in the evening we take care of the kids as best we can. She looks me in the eye and says she chooses him, not me. The stress in the house is unreal.

12 years of marriage, 3 kids (2,5,10), the 10 y/o special needs. No it wasnt a perfect marriage - lots of warts and skeletons from 12 years of striving and parenting and living.

She never wanted counseling. I wallpapered over the problems thinking the core of love would be enough for us to weather any storm.

Then the texting started. I thought I was being a strong husband by not making a big deal about it.

I didnt know there could be this kind of pain. Every breathe hurts. The mind games are crazy - I wrack my brain thinking there must have been (be?) 10 magic words I could string together to stop this run-a-way bus from destroying my family.

I get detached and watch myself waffle through multiple stages of anger, denial etc.

Today's new emotion, and the one I hope people will chime in one, is BLAME. BLAME: I obviously drove her to it. I was not kind enough. Didnt support her enough. How could I have been so callous? --- I can only laugh at myself. Pathetic.

She wants me to take care of the divorce; so like in our marriage, I will do everything that needs to be done. I will be broke. I will fight for my kids. I want to scream at the gods. I want the pain to end. I want to hurry through the long battle of recovery ahead of me.

Hi Tommyk, You will find lots of support on here.

Not been on here long myself but I wish I had found this site when my husband left me. Finding out about an affair is the worst and trying to act normal for the kids is even harder.

No marriage is perfect but blaming yourself for the wreck that's left after it falls apart doesn't help you or the children. It takes two people to keep a marriage strong.

Sometimes you cant change what happens in life so blame does not help anyone. Your wife made her choice to start a relationship with someone else, and sounds like she has made her choice to end the marriage. (but she may change her mind)

The up and down stages of it all is normal and hurts like hell. Pain Anger and fear and many more to go with it.

All I can say is it does get better, and I honestly and truly understand how you feel. And if I had been told 11 days after finding out about my husbands affair, that it will get better I would never believed it. I cant tell you when but it does somewhere along the road.

I am not very good at this thing but I wish you the best and please keep strong.

Hello,
What happened to you kind of happened to me in 2006. I sympathise, as I know that you probably feel like a hole has been punched straight through your chest, making breathing in and out a feat of incredible perseverence.
I really feel for you, as I know what it feels like to want to rush through the recovery process, like ripping a sticking plaster off a wound quickly will get the searing agony over and done with.
It doesn't work like that though I'm afraid, and I'm speaking from expereince. Get your support networks in place, tell the people you love and trust what is going on in your head/heart/life, and let them support you through this. Don't try to shield all of it from the children (just most of it) they are very perceptive, and keeping them totally in the dark will just make them more anxious. It's shit, I know, but it's not a quick process. It took me two and a half years to get to a stage where I no longer hate myself and blame myself for not being enough. I'm not terribly fond of myself yet but that will come eventually I'm sure.
Let your family give you some support re: childcare for you to go out with your mates and let off some steam. Bottling stuff up equals big mess in head.
Keep your chin up,
Kind Regards,
Shamu.

Hi TommyK

Just wanted to give you support and to say that it always takes two to make and break a marriage, you must not to take all of the blame. I went through the same as you last year after 32 years of marriage. You go through hell trying to see where you went wrong and what you should have done differently. It hurts worse than you ever imagine, but as Shamu says you need to get your friends and support around you.

You will find lots here, much wiser than me, and you are in the right place for support and advice, believe me.

Hope to see you in the chat room sometime and hope things start to work out for you.

All the best

LV

Hi Tommyk,I noticed you had replied to my post,and yes the texting is horrible.its like being kicked whilst your down,its easy for people to give you words of support but listen to the good people on here,you will get help and support from all kinds of backgrounds both male and female,above all be strong and do your best for your children and yourself,its hellish,I know i am at the same stage as you but try to believe
best wishes
dave

"She wants me to take care of the divorce; so like in our marriage, I will do everything that needs to be done. I will be broke. I will fight for my kids. I want to scream at the gods. I want the pain to end. I want to hurry through the long battle of recovery ahead of me"

Tommy, this is text book my friend, you are still in a very blown mind situation. Start to think of your future, if she can look you in the eye and say that, reconciliation may not work So get yourself a bank account, start to make plans for your self, while ever you are financially linked she will bleed this off, you will be paying for her and her new man to have fun, while you are sat at home she will be eating, drinking with your money. You need to start sorting yourself, it will occupy your mind a bit and start to help you.
Asking you to sort things is her way of burying her head inthe sand. he may have aksed you to sort the divorce simply so you pay for it. does she work? if not, she will get legal aid, but maybe someone told her she wold have to pay it back, that depends, but leave her to do it for now. Only do one thing at once.

S