Stupid.

Hello, I'm Shamu, just recently separated from my husband of 12 years. We'd been together 20 years in total. We separated because he's an alcoholic,and brought all the accompanying issues associated with his condition to the marriage. We didn't have children, but I suppose that's a good thing, as at least there are no casualties from this disaster other than my self-esteem, self respect and self-confidence.

A friend at work reccommended this site and said it was populated with other people like me who are feeling less than emotionally robust right now.

I'm doing okay, working my way through each new feeling, good and bad. I suppose the overiding feeling this week is of chagrin, I feel so STUPID for putting up with an aweful situation for so long.

So that's me, a stupid whale, floundering around trying to regain some semblance of balance in my life.

Kind Regards

Shamu.

hi shamu - and welcome to wiki. you will find lots of support here and empathy from people who know what you are talking about.

my husband is also an alcoholic, been a member of AA, lapsed, still drinking with all the associated rubbish that goes with it, hiding bottles everywhere, agressive behaviour and inability to hold a conversation. we have 3 kids under 9 so it has been a hard decision to make to separate but the alcoholism has also masked alot of other issues between us over the years as that has always been something to "deal with" while the other stuff got swept under the carpet.

it will be a long road of ups and downs but i wish you well and hope you find what you are looking for here

pink x

Hallo Shamu

There's nothing stupid about trying to make a marriage work. You gave it your best shot, hold your head up and give yourself a pat on the back.

With hindsight its easy to think what we should/shouldn't have done but generally we do what we think is best at the time.

as my name says No Regrets!

Thank you Nell and Pink for your moral boost. I'm getting there. I've now managed to survive a social event being the only single at a table full of couples and I've taken some financial advice.

I suppose what I wanted was a complete separation, with my STBX having no ties to my life at all. Unfortunately, because I have always managed the finances in our marriage, and because of his inability to prioritise anythining over alcohol, I have now found myself paying the mortgage on our house (which I wanted to keep as I love it) and the home improvements loan we took out to tart up the last house in order to be able to sell it.

I thought the mortgage company would consider me ok to take on the mortgage on my salary, however because of the home improvements loan in my name only, my car loan and my credit card bill, I fall short of the mark. I wanted to get his name off the mortgage while the housing market is so rubbish and there is no equity on the house.

I wonder is there any one out there with any experience of this sort of thing. My trouble now is I can't get his name off the mortgage, he's not contributing to it, but is still entitled to any equity that may accrue when the housing market/economy improves. So I'm a bit stuck.

I asked him this week, if he would contribute towards the re-payments, given the situation, and he became his usual charming self when anything threatens to divert money away from his beloved alcohol. I suppose my only option is to get a weekend job and pay off the credit card and loans as quickly as possible.

thanks for listening.

Shamu. x

Hi shamu

and welcome to this site .

You are not stupid at all , you have done the best you could in a bad situation and it sounds like you are already starting to get yourself together again .

with regards to finances , there are lots of people on here who can help give you an idea of how things might be split once you feel ready to deal with that .
You will find details of what information is needed in forum , everything is taken into account including any pensions , savings etc .


You wont be able to get his name off the mortgage at the moment , but you could enquire about paying interest only while you sort out finances , at least then he wont be benefiting from your reducing the mortgage .

good luck

shiny