Another newbie!

My heart goes out to you . I know exactly what your going through my sbex left over 2 yrs ago after 18 yrs of marriage plus two kids. I could not eat or sleep my world fell apart.

Two years on ....It does get easier and their is a lot of ups and downs but I'm happier now than when i was with him and so are my boys . I know his not happy but made his bed and having to lie on it . I know he regrets it now but he has nowhere else to go.

This site will help you. I wish i found it two yrs ago .

concentrate on yr kids and unborn child they will give you the strength to carry on.

Be strong be positive.

Take care x

Hi Katie. Lots of good posts on here about yr situation. And your going to have to be strong. I doubt the situation with the OW will last. You have a mountain to climb. And its going to be hard. But pretty soon he is going to want to come back. And you have to decide soon what your response is going to be and weigh up the situation. To help you with this decision I want to throw some stuff at you:

1) 99.9999% of the time these people are serial cheats. And they do it again. And you will forgive him again and it goes round and round. And at the end of it you will be back here.

2) People that walk away from issues cannot be relied apon. Life has its ups and downs and marriage isnt roses round the door. Chuck 2 people and 2 children in a 3 bed house and there is going to be some friction. You may as well be on yr own if you have to deal with stuff on yr own.

3) People that crave old flames from when they were at school have something fundamentaly wrong with them. Nothing wrong with getting in touch and so on but to do it in a secret way means one thing. They are hankering after an affair. You deserve to be number 1 in someones life. Not an also ran. He may want a hareem but you dont have to be a part of it.

4) The OW. What kind of women fosters a man that she fully knows is a husband and a father. Further, what kind of person fosters a husband and a father and has an unborn child on the way? She is no good. But there is nothing wrong with having 3 kids by 3 different fathers. It happens. But she has no morals at all. And she will do to him what he has done to you and he will want to come back.

5) Ok this is nothing to do with you. And you cant do anything about it and is common amoung people that cheat. He is missing something in his life. It could be that he doesnt like married life, or craves some excitement, or he is going thru the mid life (medalian, 1978 Porch carrera, leather jackets and starts to listen to The Saturdays). Many people that are cheated on work this out and get upset about it becuase they feel inadiquate. But its not you. And you cant hand someone an excitement feeling round the xmas tree.

There is a big event coming up. The birth of his child. This will be a big event for both of you and is usualy a sticking point for a PWC. You will be in a highly charged state and so will he. And you may think to yrself that you can start again. But see point 1. Do you want to be a yo-yo?

I wont lie to you. Life is gona be bloody hard and you are not going to have an easy time with a new born and a young child to deal with on yr own. But look at the alternatives? Could you live yr life with a man that you dont trust and many old flames on the back burner? Further a man that runs at the 1st drop of a hat?

Sorry to bring hard decisions to yr door. But now that he has gone its upto you what happens from now on. And decisions you make now have huge implications later on. But I hope that it turns out OK for you. You are between a rock and a hard place. Have a happy easter and try and eat. C.

Hallo Katie

This board is full of people who can't understand how their other half could behave like that.

My ex left me after 31 years, didn't see our teenage sons for a month but was happy getting car seat for ow's little girl and playing happy families even referring to her children as "our"s meaning his and hers.

Never thought he would be like that and he said a lot of bizarre things about how my mum wouldn't mind meeting his new woman (errr!) He thinks we are friends because I have restrained myself from whacking him over the head. Twerp.

So you aren't the only one and you aren't the only one expecting a baby either. You will survive.

See your GP about your anxieties. Try drinking some milk with banana whisked in as a way of getting some nutrients without having to chew.

It will get better. But don't spend energy worrying about how/why your ex is behaving the way he is, you won't get a satisfactory answer and he certainly isn't thinking about you. Concentrate on yourself and your children.

Thank you to everyone for all your advice - it is so good to come on a site like this and hear what you have to say.

I keep craving normality and wish that he would walk through the door and beg for me on his bended knees, you know, fight for his marriage, but at the end of the day, the trust is gone. He has a job which involves working away from home for long periods and I would crucify myself wondering what he was up to every evening. I am just so shocked as I never ever thought he would do this to me.

I have instructed a solicitor to start divorce proceedings and she is going to prepare for the papers to be served next week. I just can't believe that it has come to this, but one thing I have to believe is that he will do this again if he asks to come back and I let him.

He is not even asking to come back, but if he does, he will have got away with it and he will do it again. He has proved what his family mean to him and its a bit fat nothing. There is also no love there either as how could you treat someone so callously.

When I last seen him a week ago and things were uncomfortable as I had been mistrustful of him from him disappearing the first time, we had talked and agreed to start again and book a holiday etc. He again swore that nothing had happened and started crying saying he just wanted his life to go back to normal. We had a long conversation and then I went off to bed. I mustn't have been out of the room for a minute when he then texted her saying "I wish I was there with you". So so much for wanting life to go back to normal. He has wanted us both, he has wanted his lovely home with wife and child, and he has wanted his dirty skanky girlfriend too.

The solicitor I have appointed needs to be paid upfront, so I will be parting with a lot of money next week, and then there's no going back.

You think you no someone after spending half of your life with them, but now I realise he is a stranger to me.

At least I'm still relatively young as I'm 35 and hopefully I will meet someone else in a few years, and as I've only ever known him, it may be wonderful to have someone else where I don't feel I have to tread on eggshells and watch what I say for fear of upsetting him and him having a tantrum.

I have forgiven him for so much over the years and have threatened to leave but never carried it out, so he probably thinks he can do anything to me and I will take him back, like always. But I won't this time. I need to think of my children now. Not only has he cheated on me and been so cruel but I also have to think of the role model he will be in their life, them growing up thinking that a way to resolve issues and conflict is to run away and hide and lash out if anyone gets in his way. His approach to conflict is unhealthy, and my children can't learn this from him.

So I need to be strong. If I have to sell the house and start again then I will build a life for my two children. I feel wretched at the moment, but I will come out fighting.

Thank you all for your comments, they have given me strength and I will certainly become a regular visitor to this site. It is just so helpful to know that you are not the only one in the world facing this, as that's what it feels like now.

Best wishes everyone and thank you

Katie

You will find you are stronger and more resilient than you ever believed.

I think men often string us along because it saves them from being guilty and because they are too cowardly to say "I've met someone else".

My ex and I had already agreed to separate before he told me - well I asked him outright - that he had someone else. And I felt so hurt that he culdn't have just told me. His reason was that he didn't know how I'd react. I mean, what on earth did he think I would do???

I've lost all respect for him. And I can't believe how he's ignored our sons. He's only started seeing them regularly again because someone at a dinner party told him he should!!!

Do join us in chat =- sometimes its serious but its also light-hearted and funny and great to be with people who know where you are coming from!