Wife HaAs Left Me And The Children

Hi All,

I am very new to this forum business but thought I would join in the hope that I could get some support and advice.

I live in the UK and am in my mid 40's.My wife is also in her mid 40's. We have been married for over 18yrs and have two boy's aged 13 and 15. Two months ago my wife told me that she no longer loved me and I then discovered that she was also seeing another man.

We did have problems (none that were not repairable)like most couples although the lack of intimacy for me had become a real problem.

Our family has been ripped apart by my wife's behaviour. She no loner resides at the marital home (Iasked her to leave) and has taken to living her with parents and friends in an almost nomadic way.

She has recently told me that despite what has happened she is not sure that our marriage is over. I have taken excellent legal advice and know my position but we have both agreed to take a 12 week cooling-off period to see if we can find some for of reconcilliation or decide to part.

Would appreciate any advice, help or support. My two boy's and I are on the floor physically and emotionally.
Brunswick

Hi there Brunswick,

Welcome to wiki, not really a place you want to be, but if you are looking for help, support and advice, it is the best place to be.

It sounds as though there might be some hope to repair the marriage, but, actions speak louder than words. Have you suggested going to marriage guidance, relate or any other marriage support group? That will be the telling time, as to whether or not she is serious.

Hopefully she just might need some time and space to really think about what she wants, being prepared for either of these is a scarey, lonely time.

Is the other bloke still on the scene??? Her statement is somewhat familiar, inasmuchas, that it keeps her options open, if her relationship with this bloke breaks down, she will always have you to fall back on. Harsh, but true. Many on here find this is the case.

You have to decide what you want to do also, you cannot be expected just to fall in line with whatever she decides.

I hope your children are ok, you will find comfort in each other and will need each others support in the near future.
Let the boys decide what they want to do, in other words, dont push then to see their mum, or, bad mouth their mother.

Let them do what they feel comfortable with.

Good luck, keep posting, and keep as strong as you can.

zara

Hi Zara,

Everything you say is familiar and has been said by my family and my wifes family.

I have made it clear that before she can return home the other relationship must end but my wife seems to be in a very different world at the moment.

My boys are very hurt by what she has done and will not speak or look at her. As each day goes by I am getting stronger, although the emotional "roller-coaster" is very hard to manage, whilst my wife is almost the "ice-queen".

Like you I suspect she is playing for time but I will not allow her to fracture the family and my two boys are my highest priority. We all suspect that at some point my wife will wake up but by them it may be too late. Should I continue to sit-out the cooling off period and get on with my life and see what happens?
Brunswick

Hi

The cooling off period, actually works for both of you, you might find that after you have had time 'to think too' you indeed might not want to rekindle the marriage after her having an affair. It could be that you and the boys get on fine, manage to get through together and not want the worry of her doing the same thing again.

The cooling off period for her, might just make her realise that a quick fling is not what she wants. She might not like the fact that she is sofa surfing and not having the stability of her home and her lovely children, and you.

I think if possible use this time to reflect on what you and the boys want. Dont think about what she might be thinking or doing. Start to re-organise your lives, move furniture around, do a bit of diy and make the house feel different, as the boys are older, you can all join, I dont know, a golf course, or gym, or some classes together. Try and get on as best you can without her. That way you will not be sat in limbo, just waiting for her command.

As I say, sometimes you will have moved on so far that you could not entertain being with someone that feels they need something else in their lives.

You and the boys are important in all of this. I can understand their feelings. Just be ready to talk to them, when they are ready to open up. It might be that they will soon want to see her. That might make you feel a bit strange and resentful, many on here have said that. Try to overcome that.

Make your home as you want it, comfortable, and as you need it to be. Best, no contact either. Hard, harsh, but I think many on here would agree.

Take care of yourself and your children.

zara

Zara,

Thanks for the advice. One other issue is that she originally said some weeks ago that she is afraid to be in the house with me - which is difficult to accept having been married for so long. Now she has shifted and is asking whether she can stay over a few nights a week in the spare-room.

It is so confusing, as up until recently she has been driving the agenda (I made the usual mistakes in wanting to get her back)but I have now laid down my position which seems to have spurred her on. She also said that I have not done enough "to win her back" I actually think it should be the other way around.

On contact it is so difficult as I do love her although what she has done has humiliated us all.

Brunswick

Hi Brunswick

Welcome to Wiki - its the right place to be to get support.

I agree with what Zara has been posting. It is something that we see quite often here on Wiki.

I think you should make the best out of the cooling period you are having to evaluate what you want and if you would want her back and if yes, how things would have to change.

The feeling I am getting about what you said about what you wife has been saying or doing, is that she seems like wanting to leave any possibility open or to have a back up plan so to speak.

just be careful and make sure that if she comes back, both of you are going to give 110% to make the marriage work again.

Take Care
Claudette

Hi Claudette,

I must say that the responses I have had are so helpful. It is so difficult to cope with the "not knowing" what she is going to do.

I agree the cooling off period is a good thing but I suspect that she is using the time to continue the relationship with this other guy. For me and the boy's this is unacceptable.

Any advice on how I should handle this "thorny" situation with her? She has told me the relationship is not sexual but I am finding it hard to believe. If I discover that it is sexual I will walk away immediately.

Brunswick.