Wife HaAs Left Me And The Children

Brunswick

My wife had a naffair after 18 years of marriage, that was 2 years ago, now we are nearly divorced. In the few months after I found about her affair to make it work, but she kept seeing the guy and lying about it. About a year ago she left the marital home and started renting - she said she wanted 'to be me'.

My wife regularly claimed her relationship with the other guy was no longer sexual, but it was emotional and an affair can be enotional as well as sexual. I had no problem with my wife having male friends but said I would not tolerate her seeing the guy she had her affair with.

I have to say there has been a lot of upheaval and pain over the last 2 years but things are much better now and friends and family tell me how much more relaxed I am and how there is no longer an atmosphere in the house.

Hindsight is a wonderful thing, but can be an enemy in divorce, but If I could change anything I would have divorced her when I found out about her affair, but I spent 9 months forgiving her only to keep getting kicked in the teeth....Try not to make the same mistake!

All the best

S

Hi Brunswick

I have to agree with itgetsbetter, an affair doesn't necessarily have to be a sexual one to do the damage - as you are finding out.

I sympathise with you in this 'cooling off period' because it does rather leave you 'in limbo', not knowing what she will do or want next. Your choices are obviously limited but I think it's important for you to recognise that, actually, she isn't calling all the shots. She's only calling those you are allowing her to call. She is taking time to consider her position (I assume) but possibly cannot make a decision. She may dally for a while if she thinks it's all up to her. I'm reassured that you have attempted to make your own position clear to her.

Only you can answer the questions you raise and all we can do is share our own experiences and thoughts about what we would do in your position.

It's interesting that she commented on your efforts to 'win her back' yet (again I assume) she is still seeing the other man? I wonder if her dilemma is the choice between going back to her husband and 'giving up' her new man? I wonder what made her begin the alliance in the first place? I'm sure you have considered the possibility of mid-life crisis...

In your position, I would take some time away from her and reflect on how I felt, what this made me think and what I wanted for the future. Trust is an incredibly big part of relationship for me. I separated from my husband after a dreadful 5 years because, having broken the trust between us... he continued to do it. I cannot live with that and so, I think, would always remove myself from that situation. In terms of resolving, the outcome probably remains the same, for me. I simply don't want to put my future in the hands of someone who cannot be trusted with it.

Good luck and welcome to Wikivorce

Shezi

You are probably finding that your wife seems to be a different person from the one you married.

The question is not whether you loved the woman you married but whether you can love this new woman who doesn't seem to know what she is doing but who clearly isn't putting either you or her children first.

My husband turned into a completely unrecognisable man and I realised my grief over the end of our marriage was grieving over someone who had gone. Whether or not he wakes up and discovers what he has done to me or our sons (now 17 and nearly 15) is something I can't know. But once I stopped focusing on what husband was saying/feeling/thinking/doing and started focusing on what I was saying/feeling/thinking/doing I started recovering my future.

Morning Shezi,

This forum is a life-saver and I thank you all. As each day goes by (it has now been 12 weeks since I discovered she is seeing someone else)I am getting a little stronger and my thoughts are becoming clearer.

I do agree on the mid-life crisis "thing" she is ticking every box. However, even though she tells me the affair is not sexual the boy's and I have been betrayed. Some advice please. We are into the 2nd week of the "cooling off" period how long should I wait until I make a decision - either way.
Brunswick.

Hi Brunswick

Well... I guess you wait until you run out of patience, or until something external causes the decision to be made (taking it out of your hands) but thereby absolving oyu of all responsibility for said decision.

This wouldn't be my route - but that's because I like to be in charge of my own decisions and don't fear taking the responsibility. It's common, I think, for people to wait for something to happen that will, in turn, cause the decision to be made.

Doing nothing is an effective way of dealing with the immediate when we fear making the wrong choice. However, to think like that - perhaps you are putting yourself under unnecessary pressure to 'get it right'? Your wife is going to do what she chooses to do for the reason she chooses to do so. She may or may not share her reasoning with you before or after she makes her choice. You can't necessarily change any of that.

So what's left? You take charge of you and what you want out of this. If you still want to be with her, then you will have to put yourself through this continuing situation where she decides your fate. If you want to decide your own, then I guess you have to make a decision for yourself and tell her what it is. Then you will have to have the strength to commit to your decision to make it meaningful.

No one can tell you what to do. I don't think you really expect us to. I think you're just exhausted from thinking through the ramifications of each decision. But, in the end, you either have to do something -or let her decide it.

I would prefer to be the one making the decision. But I guess that's why I'm on my 2nd divorce - so maybe you shouldn't be listening to me

All the best to you

Shezi