New to the forum, and seeking advice and support

Hi I'm a 34 year old woman who has been married for 11 years and with my partner for 18.

Over the years our relationship has been faiing, but we always try and patch things up, well I do.

The last few weeks, things have just broken down completely, my husband told me he wanted a divorce and I said fine, but then nothing happened about it. He then said that he was only testing the water to see how I felt. Problem is that now I know its the only way forward.

What is the best way to go forward, I am financially self sufficient, but my husband isn't, he receives a small amount of benefit, there is very little equity in the house, and what equity there is will be absorbed by debts.

He has always been abusive towards me, and i've foolishly just accepted it, he keeps saying when was the last time i hit you, and I say well does it matter, you alway say it won't happen again and it always does. The last time he was violent towards me was Christmas, and the time before that I had to take a day off work, as I couldn't walk properly as he had kicked me in the legs among other things.

I've tried to get him to leave, told him that I will give him far more than he would get through a legal settlement, and I've even offered to help set him up in a new place, but he's addamant that he wants our house, and that I should move out. Well his income doesn't even cover the mortgage payment and I'm not subsidising him to live in the house, while I have to crash on someones sofa.

I'm at my wits end, I know I need to file for divorce, but don't know the best way to do it, whats involved, and also I'm scared about what he will do, as he can be violent and very manipulative and controlling.

And advice anyone could give me is greatly appreciated.

Apologies for the long post, I just needed to get it off my chest.

Apple

welcome to Wiki - you've found the right place (though none of us wish to be here)

My first reaction is that you should possibly go to mediation (where you sit with a trained person and discuss how to split the assets realistically - it might jolt him into understanding what is available to both of you) - I split amicably with my ex - though for you, being early days, it may need a bit of time for him to get over the emotional bit and to look at it realistically (can't afford mortgage etc) - others here are more qualified to give you more pertinent advice, suffice to say, D is crap for everyone involved, particularly the 'scorned' person - keep posting, you've found the right place to be

take care

dd

Contact your local Domestic Violence unit as they may be able to give advice about your situation.

Thanks for the advice. How do I go about mediation, where do I go? how much does it cost?

Last night came to a head when I asked him how we were going to handle this. he replied saying do you really want a divorce then? I told him yes, that I wasn't going to let him hurt me for the rest of my life. This is where he got upset again, and then started hurling abuse at me, saying that no-one else would want me etc. to be honest I don't care, I'm sure there will be someone else out there eventually,but I just want me time just now, not in any hurry to get in another relationship.

So I'm hoping he will want to do ths amicably, as its really in his best interest to, as he'll get far more out of the settlement this way than if the courts dealt with it, only he can't see that.

I was thinking of doing one of these all in on-line divorces, where they suggest you use them if its amicable? your thought? or do you think I should go through a solicitor?

I'm just thinking of us both, in how much it could cost with a solicitor, paying one will just mean that we both end up with less at the end of this.

I'm sorry this is long, bt its still early days for me, and I really need someone that I can talk to and lean on who's been through it or been in the same situation. Family and friends just now are too close to the situation to be able to offer any real help.

Hi apple,

Welcoem to wiki

give the sols at top of homepage a call you will get a free half hour phone consultation, and/or find a local sol and have your free half hour with them. This is a fact finding mission atm and no obligation to use that service.

Mediation is something you can ask sols about too.

Take some time for yourself, be gentle on yourself, this isnt easy for either of you.

best of luck

Mish

xx