What a Mess I have made......

I really cannot think as to how I have got myself into such the most dreadful mess, and of course I know the answer - my desperation has created this...........I hardly know where to start.
I am 48 and married 20 years, usual stresses I guess that everyone has, and it was easy to let the bad times of the marriage drift on and ignore the really unpalateable bits and keep eyes straight ahead. 2 kids - now 17 and 20, both at Uni/College.
1 year ago I disciovered my husband had been seeing prostitutes over the past 3 years......quite a few, but, he seemed to be settled into a regular weekly meeting with one in particular. I found out by seeing a text, and no, I wasnt snooping - if I had, I would have found out at least 2 years before. He denied....then admitted.......he promised never again. We went to marriage counselling (where he told the counsellor, he was only there because of me and my hurt, as HE didnt have a problem with the situation........)
It didnt really do much good but, I decided that after 20 years and still loving him, that I would stay put and try and build a new marriage. All quite good to start with although I was hugely effected by jealousy, hurt etc etc......in Novemeber last year, I caught him literally at it again with pants down........he said it was because he was drunk and when drunk he loses his judgement.In fact, the only time he has had the tarts he has been drunk (I never suspected a thing as I know how impotent he is when hes had a few - what I didnt bargain on was VIAGRA)
It was a critical time and he was mortified....he said that he didnt trust himself and didnt expect me to trust him either so we worked out a plan that when he was likely to get drunk (business evenings out) that I would physically be with him. I knew that what he had was almost an addiction and the thrill lay in the secrecy of it all. So, I told him that I had to meet his regular tart and see for myself just what was so special about a paid slut who he had jeopardised our marriage for.We did this, and have met up with her several times now. Yes, it turned into a 3some.......and yes, she is quite a nice girl and I can see what it was he liked about her. However, she and I get along quite well now and she has of course told me alot more detail than I first knew. It is this detail (which he claimed to have forgotten) that has really upset me, and its all very personal. I know I have made a HUGE mistake doing this, as I have condoned what he has done. I did it in the hope that he would not feel limited and frankly, if he wants sex with anyone else, fine, but I need to be there so as not to feel deceived.....I worked out, for me anyway, it was not what he had done, it was all the lying and cheating and selfishness that had really really upset me.
Well, I am now feeling very much worse as I have found out from her, exactly the sort of sex activity that they used to do. One of these activities is something he WONT do with me, and he maintains he just doesnt like it! However, apparently, with her, she was fighting him off!
I brought this up and he said that well maybe he had, but, of course he was drunk at the time.......doesnt make me feel better as he still wont do it with me sober OR drunk........now I feel 100 times more upset, yes because I am hurt, jealous and on top of which I feel a complte fool for having been SO stupid at letting myself get into all of this - I KNOW that even though I have told him that I do not want to repeat the 3somes, he will continue to see her...without me.
I am a shaky mess and feel completely unable to manage anymore. He is of course like a cat with ten tails......still has his wife, and still gets his tart and all the added benefits of seeing some girl on girl action. I am SUCH a fool, I know, but can someone tell me where I can buy some strength and sense, and how the hell to get out of this situation. I do love him......sounds ridiculous but feel I am so needy and desperate that nothing adds up anymore.He doesnt want a divorce (we have discussed) altho he has said that if I think I would be happier without him, then he would understand...........however, he has also said he will not be willing to give me much of a settlement and in fact at some points has said he would "play dirty" - after 20 years can he?
I am terrified really and need some advice. Thanks

hi. I too am terrified but just a quick piece of advice, 'HE' cannot decide how much or what to let you have the courts do it. If he plays nasty or tries to be difficult it would go in your favour. I think you and i have been with similar men, i too have a brain washed view that my Husband can do what he likes BUT he cannot. Stay strong!!

Hi, it sounds as though you have had a rough time and also been manipulated by your husband. Maryjayne is right - it is not up to your husband to decide what you will get in terms of a financial settlement.

You do need to get yourself good legal representation, especially if your husband is likely to be difficult - you need to remind yourself that he has shown himself over and over again to be untrustworthy and this is, sadly, likely to be true when it comes to resolving financial matters as well, and you would benefit from having a legal advisor whom you trust and who can stand up to him if necessary.

In terms of finances, each case is looked at on it's own facts but the stating point is a 50/50 split of all of the asets (including any in the sole name of either of you, and including any pensions)

Good luck!

HI Lulu ... and welcome.

You wonder how you 'have got myself into such the most dreadful mess'.

First of all, don't be blaming yourself, because HE got you into this situation as well. It sounds like to me that he has total control of you and your emotions. He obviously feels that he can live the life that he wants, disregarding the affect it has on those around him.

A good starting point would be to see a solicitor, just to arm yourself with the facts and options. I know you said that you love him and don't want to divorce, but I can only suggest that you at least empower yourself just now. You don't knbow what he has up his sleeve ... just don't get caught satnding still.

I admire - though I have difficulty getting a handle on it - your support towards him despite his relationship with his tarts. You may have scored an own goal jumping into the sack with them, because at least you had adultery up your sleeve until that point. It just goes to show how manipulative he has been. (By the way, the reason he performs his kinky desires with his tart and not you, is becuase he has too much respect for you).

For your own sake, try and take control of the situation, first by seeing a solicitor and also your doctor, because emotional and pyschological abuse is as bad as physical abuse.

Good Luck, and let us know how you are getting on.

Alba

Hi Lulu. Through out all this all I can see is that you love this man and have compromised yrself becuase of this. I think U are amazing. You have done so much for this man. Ok you made a mistake going to see the brass. And it was not a good plan what you did with them both but life is for learning.

But I think you coming here and having the courage to post what you did makes me think that you have seen the light. Well done. I think you recognise that you are just a door mat. He is using you and you have given him a VIP pass to do just that. But it will destroy you if you let it carry on. You wont have any self respect as you are being used in the most awful way.

A word about you nice husband. He is no good. Drunk or not drunk we all know what we are doing. And if he need viagra to perform when drunk then this is just awful. And you are worth 100000 of him. I know what you did was wrong but it shows that you dont just go the last mile you go the 1000th mile to save yr marriage. And that is so rare. But you tried as best you could and did what you could to rebuild it. But you failed and not becuase of trying becuase you cant win. But hold yr head up high. You deserve it.

You have proved that you are a worthy wife and a good person if you make such sacrafices and I realy hope that you meet someone decent in the future. Becuase you are pure gold. But do yrself a bug favour and it doesnt matter how you do it but get this waste of space out of your life. Let him have his brass. But its not her fault. If there wasnt men like yr hopefully STBX then there would be no need for these women. C.

You can not possibly love this absolute shit of a man.

It is dependence you feel. You have been together a long time, most of your adult life and you know no other life.

Get rid of him. He is not worthy of you.

First trip, to the STD clinic and get yourself checked asap.

This man is a complete liar, cheat and is treating you no better than a doormat.

It will take some time to retrieve some self-esteem, but you WILL do it, you only THINK you need him. You dont need him, in fact you need him like a hole in the head.

He on the other hand has everything he needs and wants. As Joanna said, get rid of him, you have to decide on what you want, Do you want to be the little lady sat at home, everso umble when her man returns. NO. dont do it.

Get yourself some really good legal advice and start the ball rolling.

As for the financial side, the settlement, he has no control whatsoever as to what the outcome of that might be. He is trying to scare you into keeping the status quo.

Poor sad little boy, about time he grew up, perhaps a visit to the AA or some sort of counselling might just help him a bit.
If you accept his excuses, he will most definitely make them.

Take a grip, sit down and work out what you want to do, without him.

zara