newly separated and scared

Hello. I am newley seperated and a bit confused. It's at my instigation. Weve been married 16 years nearly, 2 boys, 9 and 4. The decision has been gut wrenching, and i tried and tried to stay for the boys, and feel terrible that im not. anyway, over the years husband has been mentally abusive, verbally abusive especially bad when i had just had my first son. he took advantage of the situation and bullied me because he thought i wouldnt stand up to him. and i didnt. i got more and more depressed and lost all self confidence, and eventually after another son, post natal depression, his supposed depression and trying and trying, the love drained out of me. for the last 18 months or so ive been existing with him, hating to share his bed, hating to spend any time with him, but just depressed and confused. in the end i decided i couldnt sacrifice myself any longer and i had to end it. he has never communicated with me, sort of lives life 'on the surface' and was quite happy to carry on being companions. but i couldnt do that. i felt total relief when i told him and still do.
but now the hard part begins. the money probs! how do i cope? ive sacrificed my career over the years to look after kids and have little or no money so im very very scared or letting my boys down...
and ruining their lives. maybe it will be that i can't do it after all and have to stay put. we only have a 2 bedroom property, and we are taking it in turns to sleep in the bedroom, the other one sleeps in the living room on a blow up bed. not good for the back!
so ive been very brave, and i feel better in myself, but very scared i wont be able to cope financially.
Please help!!

Hi Lusard and well done for posting. It sounds awful what you are going through and this is why you desperately need some legal advice and I think that by the sounds of it, it should be your husband leaving and NOT you. Like I said in chat just now, go along to the chat room tonight at 6pm and have a word with Divorce Lawyer who will advise what steps to take.

Take care of yourself and chin up!!!

Saffy xxx

Thanks so much for your support xxx

Things we worry about have a habit of sorting themselves out.

I am sure things won't be as grim as you think and of course you aren't ruining your children's lives. You don't want them growing up thinking that abusing your partner is normal.

hi lusard, you are being very brave and i agree with noregretsnell that things do have a way of sorting themselves out. i was a bit like you a few months ago, i had been living in an unhappy marriage for about 4 years, my husband is an alcoholic and i also gave up work to look after the children (we have 3 aged 8,6 and 4) so felt trapped, financially dependent on him and unsure i could instigate a separation. somehow i did and we split up in feb. its early days but i am working towards being on my own with the kids - of course he will still be involved, he is their dad but we are much better apart than together and of course we will not be setting our kids the example of marriage that we have been doing.

keep strong, believe in yourself, you can do this. is there any way you can get yourself a part time job? this has been a life saver for me and also allowed me to claim tax credits which makes me feel a bit more independent.

wishing you all the best
pink x

Hi Lusard

It is a very scary time. You have made a brave decision.
Your marriage is over and even if it is for the best - it is a very sad and difficult time.
Your kids dont have to grow up seeing their dad hurt their mum or their mum thinking she has to put up with that. The role model has changed.
It is hard. And it is overwhelming. Someone told me not to panic abd work everything out at once. At first there is so much to deal with and think about. Deal with what you have to deal with and only that, the rest as No regrets said - will be delt with when it has to.

Manyana - for all things that dont have to worry you today. Just deal with this week, and be very kind to yourself and yor children

Welcome to wiki, I am sorry you have found yourself here - but there are lots of smart, supportive and empathetic folks here.

Take care - and be gentle to yourself.
JR