Not sure what to say.......

....so I'll say what has happened.

Hi everyone, I'm totally new to this as I am sure all of you were at one time. My wife told me a month ago that she didn't love me anymore, in fact not for a long time. I know very well that she suffers quite fantastic bouts of depression and have tried to help her when these do occur so I thought her unhappiness the last few months was a precursor to another bout of depression. She had said she wanted to go and make a surprise birthday visit to a friend and I agreed it might be the break she needed. I'm not certain what went on while she was away but immediately she came back it was not "Hi, how are you" it was, in short: "I've decided I'm going to put myself first for once and have come to terms with all the past things that have been bad in my life so far. Which includes you, I want a divorce and please can you get out as soon as, thanks." which really sucked the wind out of me. I asked her what her reason was and the first thing she said was "I don't want to get petty or anything" which immediately made the hairs on the back of my neck stand up. She explained that she needed to move on in her life and that I am a nice man with a lot to offer but she had decided we were no longer meant to be together. I asked if she had thought about the kids and she said that she was putting herself first as until she is happy with herself then how can she be happy for anyone else, she is no longer prepared to make compromises for the sake of her health and happiness, which I personally think is very selfish where there are children involved, but I didn't voice that at the time because I was so shocked. I know I am probably not entirely blame or guilt free in the development of this situation because I have tended to go along with a lot of things for the sake of harmony, which hindsight is now telling me was a mistake, but I completely fail to accept that she can unilaterally decide whats best for everyone just because she is unhappy and has bottled it up. While I was still reeling from that she told me the following:
You'll need councelling, speak to someone;
You can move in with your parents they have a big house and a lot of space;
and
You can see the kids whenever you like.

There was probably some other things too, but it just seemed - and still does - too well thought out to be a sudden decision. I asked if she was seeking councelling for this as a lot of the issues she said that drove her to this stem from psychological problems that she had related to abuse she underwent in her childhood some of which she had explained to me, but a lot of which she said had come out during discussions with her friends [childhood friends] while she was away. She is bossy and organising by nature and sets impossible to attain standards for everything she does, which is part of the reason she has depressive bouts. She has suffered burn out at work twice in the last ten years. To a greater extent her well organised personality has helped me improve myself as a person but at the same time the fact that I am easigoing and prepared to tolerate a compromise, a temporary solution or not do something immediately or to a standard that is near impossible to attain, I know annoys her. She will come home from work having had a long and hard day and then be snappy with everyone because she is working at home as well and never gets to do the things she wants because she is always cleaning up after everyone else, though as far as I am concerned what she should say is "I am always going round after everyone else has cleaned up and making everything cleaner while complaining that if you can't do it properly don't bother in the first place" or "You can't iron properly, don't bother".

Anyway. On top of the instructions I had about what my future, she then lined the kids up and told them that I was leaving. She then carved the bedrooms up and said that it would do until I move out. As I have nowhere to go - my parents have made it clear that I cannot move in, not that I want to and I can't afford to cover all the bills and rent, I am still in the house. A week ago she said that she had decided she would move out "although I know you won't cope on your own, so you really need to do something, I don't think you're taking this seriously". I then sought advice of a solicitor and got my half hour of free advice which was basically neither of you can afford to move out and neither of you can force the other out. My wife refuses to seek any sort of help other than that of friends, one of whom even offered to put a deposit down on a flat for her - I think there is more to this than I know - but has also now told me she can't afford to rent anywhere either. We are both in the same situation, living to feed debt with little more to live on than that.

I apologise if I've written a novel, but I feel stuck and alone in a situation that was totally unexpected. It has actually helped me to write this even if it does seem to be a load of disjointed rambling, if anyone else has advice it'd be apprieciated.

Thanks.

its called an affair

could be, but my situation was virtually identical, and there was no one else involved...................sometimes something just trips in their head

dd

similar situation here. no affair. just one day that was it. that was nearly 2 months ago. she literally went from being a loving wife to a total heartless bitch overnight.

still dealing with the fallout but ive got my head round a lot of things now, as will you, in time. good luck and keep posting!

mnstr

been following your story - well done! - 1 step at a time and 'slowly, slowly catchee monkey......'

Monkfish - it's a shock we know, but I guarantee you that it'll get better!

dd

street_hawk_666 wrote:

its called an affair

Thats what I thought to. An affair. This is classic affair behavour. She has been stewing on this for a while. And there was obviously a big pow wow while she was away and may have been handed an ultamatum. Tell him or I will or some other such thing.

But you will find out in time.But it doesnt realy matter if she is having an affair or not. Its still over. She sounds a bit hard to live with to be honest. You must have had to roll to the bottom of a mountain sometimes to placate her. And this cleaning up after everyone? Sounds a bit obsesive. The only thing you did wrong was the same thing I did wrong and that was lay back and take it. She doesnt respect you. But you dont have to take it anymore. Now fight for whats right. In time you will be happy that this women is out of your life. I know it dont feel like that now. But keep yr chin up and work your way thru it. Dont be bullied mate. Those days are over. You want to stay? Stay. Dont be forced out of your home no matter what she does. Best ones, C.

Monkfish,

for what its worth, it might be an affair. but, my H said exactly the same to me and there was no one else involved. there is not such thing as logic at times like this. i would give up trying to make sense of it because you wont and you will screw your own head up trying to understand it. sometimes we search for answers to make sense of things but sometimes they arent there. it will be five months next week that I heard the "i love you but I'm not in love with your speech". still cant understand him, dont think i ever will, have given up trying.

take care of yourself