Not sure what to say.......

I'm not convinced it is an affair. People do simply fall out of love, especially if you got together when young and a lot of time has now passed....people evolve, change, move on. That may well simply be the case here.

Amanda

A short PS re the "I love you but am not in love with you" speech.... Don't just dismiss it. I happily admit to anyone that I love my ex hub, and would to anything I can for him, and vice versa. We are very very close friends, and were before we got together as a couple. Don't throw the baby out with the bathwater, assess if there can be a relationship there on some level.

Amanda

Hi Monkfish

I am so sorry for you and your story could be mine! I am a few months down the line since ‘the day’ and have had to change my nickname as the wife found me… This site is amazing, well actually the people on here are amazing, and I am sure things will get better if you take it one day at a time - speaking from personal experience, as I am here right now typing away and not six foot under!

For me, I ended up moving out (yes I know it compromises my position), but you have to do what is best for yourself and stop trying to fix your wifes issues. Whether I will regret giving up the ‘fight’ or not only time will tell, but I am right now so much happier in my rented home, being able to leave an unwashed coffee cup in the sink, a pair of jeans on the floor, etc… without all the ramifications. She wanted me to move out and I told her to let me know what she wants financially, etc… which if I believe some of her past comments might end up being a 90/10 split for her. Not bad for 7 years of marriage considering from a financial aspect, what she put in to the pot was being a housewife and mother. Yes I know it is difficult to quantify how much that is worth (200k), but hey what’s money compared to your sanity!?

I think getting help and support from strangers was a complete revelation for me, how could people that don’t know you give you their time (unconditionally) and help you with your situation, when the one you love treats you appallingly and sucks your life blood out of you?

Please try and start thinking about yourself and do whatever you have to in order to get through the day. One step at a time...

Prof

I am another one who has been through this situation. When you think of affairs, you have to recognise that affairs can be enotional as well as physical, but whether or not your wife has had or is having an affair is largely irrelevant. It sounds like her mind is made up, and at the end of the day it takes people to make a marriage work, and if one wants out, and won't try to make it work then that is that.

It may sound simple but it can be emotionally hard to deal with, particularly when you get a lot of hatred from your wife, as hatred is often the way that they deal with their guilt.

I think the best advice for you is to try and get on with your life, keep yourself busy, talk to friends and family, use this site for support and advice. Most importantly be there for ths children. You have not posted details of their ages, but divorce is a hard time for children and it is important that you both spend time with them.

In terms of practical financial matters, it is clear that if you both were struggling to run one house, to run 2 is going to be a challenge!!

All the best

S

Thanks to everyone who has replied, its kind. I know its not an affair, for one thing we know each other too well. One comment she did make to me when she announced this was that it would be easier to understand if it were because one of us was having an affair. I replied "I'm not stopping you", which actually wasn't the right response at the time. The friends she visited in March were in Cape Town, we had visited them a few months back and everything seemed happy. When she went in March, her friend whose birthday it was told her that they were divorcing. She told me that she thought long and hard after that about what she wanted out of life and her relationship with me and the kids - five and twelve, the elder one is hers from a previous relationship from which we have not had a penny of financial support - and decided she didn't want to stick in a situation where she wasn't happy and would just end up resenting me as we got older. Essentially whatever love she had for me had gone, she just views me as a man who fathered a child with her. As well, now, as the man who won't get out of the house.
Thanks for all the replies so far. I'll read them all and have a look at the rest of the forums and start joining in.

Thanks again!

Monkfish

As to getting out of the house, you don't have to! I worked from our house and told my wife I wouldn't leave, certainly not until after we had worked hard to save the marriage, so she moved out and I stayed here with the kids (15 and 12).

I would really advise you not to be forced out of your house

S

I do not intend to be forced out. Since she made the ultimatum last week that one or other of us need to move out she has spoken not one word to me at all. An assessment of our finances shows that we have been living a hand to mouth existence and neither of us can afford to rent. She said she wants her own space, but she has made it clear that means without me anywhere in it.