Why did I do this???

It's taken me all day to pluck up the courage to write this. As a woman it feels very difficult.
Last july my Husband discovered i had been seeing another man.
I had been seeing him over a 4 week period. I met him once & kissed him, but following that I walked with him to collect our children from school, and enjoyed this time with him. We felt close although I felt extrememly guilty. Two days before my Husband found out I took the steps of parking somewhere else to avoid him, but he sent me numerous texts and somehow I felt guilty at ignoring him. I went to his home after a couple of days and was about to tell him there when my Husband discovered my car. He beat him severely and I was forced to leave our home without my children. I returned after a few days to be able to look after my children. I cannot begin to tell you the pain that I feel for hurting those closest to me. Ten months on and were still together but my Husband is now considering divorcing me.At first he wanted a trial separation, but now feels our arguments have got worse and we should instead divorce.
I have pleaded & pleaded and have done everything possible to ensure that I live a transparent life. I started counselling a few weeks back as my depression was beginning to take over my life. I needed to know why I had done this not only to my Husband,and to my children, family & friends, but also to myself. We have been together 23 years, since we were kids, and have been married just 3. I never felt cherished by my Husband, I felt our relationship was a parent-child like one, where I had to ask permission for everything. He went out regularly and most nights would come home at 2.30am at the earliest. He would go out on all dayers and ignore my texts when I tried to reach him to see if he needed a lift home.I saw a photo of him when on his annual lads holiday with a girl, who he says just happened to speak to him as the photo was taken, but I never said said anything, although he knew these things really upset me. These are just small examples of things that happened in recent times, that I always just allowed to happen out of fear of arguments. I am not an arguer. I would just freeze when I found myself in an argument with him. My counselling sessions began to form a picture of a controlled situation. I began to feel depressed before this 'affair' happened. I worked for my Husband at home and only have one friend that I saw just occasionally for a cup of coffee. I somehow allowed myself to be taken in by this other person, who I didnt even find attractive. It was only through his child being interested in my dog that we began to talk. I enjoyed talking to him more & more.
My counsellor calls this an emotional affair, where I have attached myself to this person as he gave me something I was missing in my marriage.
My marriage also was a good one apart from those niggly things, we were friends and enjoyed each others company. I longed to be with him as much as possible , even when this was going on, I would still prefer my Husbands company than his.
This confuses me, and also my Husband.
naturally following this there has been many arguments, and my Husband says I am a changed person, that he doesnt like.I am more aggressive in my arguments he says.
My counsellor calls it 'finding my voice'. While I can see this to be true, I am still almost suicidal at the way I have treated him, and cannot justify it at all.
I long to have him back and to work through our problems, and can respect that he doesnt want a cheat back. Im sure I wouldnt. But I know in my heart I could never , ever do that to him or to our children, and myself again.
I just wish I could make him see before he ends the marriage for good.
He has asked me to move out, and I considered buying another house from the equity of our house, but his solicitor now tells him not to do this, so we are going to be together throughout this process.
He wants me to fill in a Consent Order with him, but i feel so ill over it, I just want him back.
I dont want to hound him with pleas, should I just allow him to walk away and hope that we can sort this out somehow, or not?

Planecrazy...

That was one of the most heartfelt things I've read in a very long time. I can't add anything because you seem to appreciate only too well the situation you're in - and why!

Welcome to wikivorce... there is a great deal of support here for everyone, irrespective of their situations.

Shezi

When my husband asked for a divorce i was devastated, I felt my life was over. He blamed everything on me (our marriage had been rocky for years)and I believed it. I begged him to try again, said i would change etc but he was adamant a divorce was what he wanted. Nearly 2 years on i am content and have my life back. I realised he was a control freak and when i look back i realised that i couldn't have gone on living like i did with him. So now i see divorce as an opportunity for another chance in life. I understand your pain, but in time it will get better for you. Take care x

Hi planecrazy,

In my opinion an affair in itself need not break up a marriage or other relationship, it is in essence a consequential lack of trust and goodwill between the parties usually compounded by problems with communication between them.

You have had an emotional affair because your marriage was lacking that emotion. I don't think you fully understand what your counsellor said, if you did then I doubt you would consider yourself a cheat.

Things cannot go back to the way there were, not just because your husband has found out but because what you had was not enough for you and please don't try and fool yourself that you will submit to it for a few more decades.

Your marriage is not necessarily over but I would suggest it requires both of you to go to counselling because it needs both of you to make the marriage work.

Perhaps your husband is adamant that he wants to divorce you, presumably on the ground of you having kissed a man. This is what you write happened and if this is all (you are not an adulteress) then the petition for divorce will probably fail, it does depend on what else your husband adds to it. Agreeing things between you would be the best way but I recommend you do not do so without independent advice.

You are unlikely to be thinking well at the moment and you are carrying a lot of guilt. These are not good conditions under which to make decisions that affect the rest of your life and your relationship with your children. This goes for your husband too. You may be both well served by mediation.

I do hope you can see that you finding your voice is no bad thing.

YA

Hi, Thank you all for your replies.
Ive just found a consent order left on the kitchen work surface, he throws all of his work stuff on the side for me to pick up and sort out, and this was with them, so it was obvious he wants me to see them, but I have said nothing. Im trying to rise above him.

I feel really low at the moment, Im still living with a huge amount of guilt for destroying our family (what he keeps telling me). Part of me is clinging on, because despite the issues I had with him, and him now obviously with me, I still believe it could work, or then I thnik am I kidding myself? because there are so many things that he has done to this marriage also. Even yesterday he took us out for sunday lunch (yes he still wants to do these things), but then he started talking to the landlord of the pub who asked him if he was going to the match this wednesday aga. They met up last week over some tickets and instead of coming home at approx 10.30pm, he came in at 1am. No phone call to say he was going to be late. I just had to assume he was out having a little drink. So Im thinking here we go again, hes going with him. Its things like that, that I feel has devastating effects on our relationship, and for that I cant continue with him.
It was my 40th birthday in February and he 'dreaded' it coming as originally he wanted to take me to Las Vegas, but felt he couldnt do that anymore, instead he took me shopping and bought me lots of things, thr following day was our wedding anniversary, and he said that he didnt want to celebrate it this year, but woild instead just take me & the girls out for tea and make the most of that day in that way. I agreed, but he was also going to the pub first to watch the match. Tea time came and we got no answer from our texts of what time should we meet up. The kids were hungry and upset. Eventually at 7.45 he texted to say he was staying out. I was furious. I felt he had let the kids down very badly also, but not only that wa strying to make a point of our anniversary. At 11pm he strolled in, legless. I left all my presents for him on the side and asked him what all those things were about. A row started,and mhe smacked my face, sadly my Children heard and were traumatised by it. My esldest Daughter tried to get out of the house, and was screaming. I tried to stop her from leaving as it was too late for her. My Husband was screaming at me to let her go. He grabbed me by my neck, pushed his forehead against mine and into the front door, then grabbed me by my arms and dragged me away from the door. He then went on to kick a big hole through a door. He let her out of the house to go to a friends house. The day after he sadi he was sorry and to do what he did was uncalled for, but it was stress that had done this to him, caused by me. He has never touched me before all this started.
I guess I am beginning to see there is no hope after reading that back to myself. He has pulled my hair in a row when this first started and he beat the man I saw with a baseball bat severely. He never pressed charges.
My Husband still sleeps in our bed and stupidly I still give into sex. But i feel the other side to him when I do. Is this wrong and should I begin to step back, and give him the separation he wants in this way?
Im totally confused on how to react.
sorry this was long winded again, but I have so many issues and unanswered thoughts in my head, that Im not sure are right or wrong. I need to explore ever avenue, before I can say right, enough is enough.

Hi Planecrazy. Firstly having an affair does destroy a marriage. It doesnt matter what went on between you and how he was with you. Going behind someones back and doing this is simply awful. Your husband is reacting badly to this and is punishing you. He humiliates you by having sex with you and doing bad things on yr aniversary. What you did was wrong and cowardly. But what your husband did was far worse. Going after that man with a baseball bat was stupid. If that man had died or been disabled becuase of that you would have lost your husband to the prison system and your kids would have lost there father. His family would have lost a son. Hiting you was very wrong also. Two wrongs dont make a right.

I think you have to recognise that there is something missing from your marriage. Perhaps you dont love him enough to stay with him or you find the lack of something (perhaps affection) telling after all this time. Only you know what this is. I think you are seeking this elsewhere. And no matter what you do you wont find it. Trust has gone for him and finding that again is very hard.

There are lots of things you could do. But only one thing you should do. Stepping over the threshold into violence is a big step for him and this can only end badly. He has beaten up a man that had an affair with you. So what next? Will he do the same to you? This has gone beyond you had an affair and he is pissed off about it. Its now moved into violence. For your own safety and the safety of the children you have to end it. Sure you did wrong. But what he has done is far worse. There is no excuse for violence. It has no place in marriage or society. He was lucky he didnt kill that man. But he may not be so lucky next time. And you could end up on a slab. No marriage is worth that. C.

Excellent advice Marshy

Jo x