Paralysed

I *think* we have decided to separate/divorce.

We have been discussing for ages and doing nothing. He's happy to exist as we are and I am not. I am happy to work at it, but I don't feel that response from him - he says he is - but not if it involves talking or changing

So I've said 'let's divorce' repeatedly - each time he's talked me around but today...not.

Thing is we have 3 children and financially we are struggling so divorcing is going to be grim in those areas. It's those issues which have stopped me acting before.

Already I feel myself becoming paralysed by the enormity of telling the children, telling friends and family and the legal and financial discussions. Where do I begin? or should I just give up? His argument is that we should stay together and just exist until the children leave home (youngest is 6!)

He will obstruct me all the way and I feel exhausted. Any tips? I feel depressed at the idea of continuing like this and depressed at the idea of going ahead

(We've been married for 20 years - he says I'm just having a mid life crisis...but I've been having it acutely for about 3 years now)

hallo and welcome to Wikivorce

Very few couples manage to separate amicably and in complete agreement.

Normally one person wants the divorce and the other either doesn't want the divorce, or doesn't want anything to change.

It sounds like you have made up your mind.

The money situation can be difficult, but you would get some benefits I think, depending on your situation.

You don't need to think about the enormity of everything because it will paralyse you.

you do one thing at a time.

Your husband may not want to move out so you may face the prospect of staying in the same house with him until the finances are sorted.

You don't have to tell everyone everything at once either.

When I split up from my husband I went on a short break with my younger son and just sent postcards to friends from the son and me and mentioning elder son, but nothing about husband, so that when I did tell them they had a slight warning.

You may find your family and friends have seen this coming. Or not.

Anyway you need to focus on your children and yourself. Join in the chat room on here, read other threads, get some books out of the library - there are lots on both the practicality of divorce and the emotional aspects.

Your husband may be obstructive but ultimately if you want a divorce you will get one and the more he obstructs the more expensive it will be.

Thank you

No benefits for me and possibly I will be paying him maintenance as I earn 1/3 more than him (even if I have sole custody) - I'm not a great earner - it's just maths. I'm anxious about the financial situation but it's also what is motivating me since I see divorce as inevitable eventually and at least I'll be in charge of my financial life rather than at his mercy or responsible for his financial decisions (a marital issue)

We will live together until FH is sold.

I want him to have a home, to be able to have the kids to stay and to be happy - I just want him to take some responsibility for that and not feel that I carry the burden all the time.

I fear separating and causing financial pressure and still feeling that responsibility for him - that would mean I'd not gained anything.

It's a gamble

Dear spiral,
Before you start on the long and bumpy road that is divorce, have you and your husband tried mediation or counselling? Sometimes in a long marriage partners get stuck in negative patterns that are hard to break.
You say you are happy to work at it, surely if that's how you feel it's worth having another go at making it work? Divorce is the last resort, the hardest choice to make and hardest road to travel.
I wish you the best of luck.
Sprite

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irisjean wrote:

Hello Spiral, I feel the same as you do, but I would think that I am a good few years older than you. For goodness sake don't waste your life if you feel like you do. You are concerned about your children, the finances and where your husband will live. These things will get sorted out - even if you work on the basis that it may take you two or three years to be settled - ask yourself how old will you be then! With hopefully plenty of years ahead of you. My husband of 40 years has only recently been diagnosed as always having had Aspergers Syndrome - people with this condition cannot link onto "feeling and emotion". In our marriage he has caused so much upheaval by his non understanding even when I have explained and explained. Decision making is difficult for them and so I have always been the decision maker but sometimes one has to say enough is enough. There seems little hope for anything else but for us to live apart just in order for both of us to live the life that we need in order to survive. Seems like this could well be the case for you. Think about what you need - but don't think too long - I have done that. Take care and look after You first and those your love and care about afterwards.irisjean

Love isn't about sacrificing for others, it's about how much others will suffer for you. Put yourself first, and everyone else after you. Take out a machine gun, and open fire. Don't worry about your kids. That will all get sorted out when the smoke clears. The important thing is to do what YOU want, regardless of the damage to others. Because what's really important?, the people you love, and who love you, OR stomping over the top of them on your way to self gratification.