Bear with me...huge weight of my shoulders!!!

Oh god I need to say this to someone...

This is so hard to type and has taken so long for me to realise that I need help...

The guilt I feel is destroying me and my future life yet I am not a bad person so I flit between guilt and....guilt.

I had been married for 16 years when I began an "affair" with someone. I loved my husband and supported him from day one. I happily agreed when he wanted to go back to university after we were married and was behind him every step for 4 years. I felt I was his backbone, that was my role, we were happy, his success was mine. But as he grew I stood still, in the background. I started to feel insignificant. He wanted me to be a high flying PA...I wanted to be a mother and housewife. After a huge row in a multistory carpark he said that he did not want children and the discussion was never mentioned again.

I made my decision, or so I thought and decided that I loved my husband and his decision was right. I did not see or realise that I was becoming a shadow. I carried on, becoming more subservient, trying to be everything he wanted. I did not know what else to do. He worked late in london during the week(we lived in hampshire) and played golf at weekends. I felt like a nobody, unattractive and useless...

I did not see the affair coming.. it was not something I sought out..was looking for..it was a circumstance that evolved through a need to be wanted, to feel attractive and a person in my own right.

Of course it went horribly wrong, my husband found out, the shutters went down and he blanked out the whole period. I begged him to listen, to try to explain, to try and rebuild our marriage, but he could not.

After a year he left to be with someone else, someone who fits the criteria that he needs, the "london life". He has been with her for two years and despite wanting a quick divorce he is dragging his feet.

We met last friday in london, he took me to lunch, it was lovely, it was heartbreaking, he cuddled me, we were both upset, part of me wants the man I married, but he has gone, I think he is lost too, he admits he is striving for goals but keeps moving the posts so he is constantly frustrated.

Since the split I have started my own business..sounds impressive but not...I struggle every day with the demons telling me I cannot do this, that I will fail, and lose everything, I have no idea how I will pay my bills once the divorce is settled, My (ex) husband to his credit has been supporting me to date, but there is a point where I have to stand alone and as I type this the tears are in my eyes as I cannot see how I can survive and support myself.

There is more to say but my head is swirling and I have to stop...sorry....

Hi there and welcome

It doesn't matter, the path you find yourself here... you're here now. Don't be too hard on yourself. There, but by the grace of God, go many of us. Apart from the affair, I can relate to much of what you say. The price you are paying for having an affair seems very high...

Take a breath, let it all out somewhere and try to begin rebuilding yourself - much of the rest will follow

Shezi

Sounds like you've been feeling insignificant for ages, which is why you were tempted when someone made you feel special.

You've started a business, so you aren't insignificant.

You will find an inner strength, believe things will be Ok, they usually are.

Hi there, I cannot help you too much at this stage, as I myself am going through the same thing, married & had emotional affair, & my Husband found out. It was ten months ago, but Husband now wants a divorce. I have been counselling a few weeks now, and although new on here have explained my situation & have been so overwhelmed already at the huge support received.
People that have affairs are not always callous people. There are those people that have lost direction due to mistreatment.
Keep posting, as I will too, as we also need the support of others to get through this, and we will.
Don't be too hard on yourself. Sending you some hugs.

Hi, just wondering if you're ok today?