New to the forum, seeking help advice and support

Hi my storey in brief follows:

I have been married for some 12/13 years and after seperating last Christmas, it was unfortunate timing for our two wonderful children from our marriage and one from my previous relationship, but I'm afraid it had to be.

My husband a work-a-holic and me a full time student were going through the motions for a long time for the sake of the children but this just wasn't enough to hold things together.

We tried councelling, sex therapy and even going to the gym but nothing could save us and our marriage was doomed.

We split up at Christmas as the house opposite ours became available for rent and we both wanted each other to be close to the children.

This worked out well and the children go to see their dad regularly during the week for evening sleep overs and school runs.

This was fine until my mum became ill at the end of last year forcing a move north to enable me to look after mum.

The children came with me, settled well into their new school and although life was stressful due to the amount of care I had to provide to my poorley mum, life returned to some normality with the children seeing thier father every other weekend.

Mum passed away last month and since the tenancy is up on the property it seemed wise to return to the village where my husband occupy's the family home.

I was hoping to return to the family home, however my husband after decorating it and settling back in there wants me to rent somewhere for the time being.

I'm dissapointed by this obviously but see the benefits of exploring the rental market and sort of having a fresh start with the children being close once again to their father.

My husband has recently started a relationship with a new partner, (some 9 weeks and counting) he seems very happy and although things are moving along very rapidly there are a few things I don't feel comfortable about.

I'm hoping to overcome any fears and anxiety I have about this new relationship but feel my emotions are well founded because of the pace this relationship is moving along.

He's already on about selling the house (our family home) and moving in with her and her teenage son, leaving the area my children will be returning to in order to be close once again to their father.

It's four weeks and counting till my actual moving date and I'm beginning to think if theres any real point in doing so.

I'm in need of both advice and support.

I can understand that you may feel threatened by this new relationship and how it affects the children. You moved away and took the kids with you and he dealt with that ok. Seeing the kids less than he would normaly do. But now things are about to change for you also. You will have to contend with someone else looking after yr kids when they go and see there father. I can understand your unease. But your ex husband has dealt with and supported your move to be with your mum. I think you should support him also. Its his life anyway and his mistakes to make if it moves to fast. Try and swallow your feelings. You should be supportive of him as he has been for you. I know its tough. But one day you may meet someone and they have kids and it all starts again. Thats the way it is. But people that do well duing divorce and subsequently are people that are flexable and acomodating. Life doesnt go the way we plan. C.

I just had quite an open and emotional conversation with my hubby.

Its not that I don't trust him, as you say and I know he's always been there for me and the children. I have to both support and respect his decision to be with this lady and to be honest its really nice to see him happy once again.

I just wished he hadn't lied about where his partner currently lives. Its that and that alone has made me question his judgement.

Hopefully moving forward time will sercure a positive relationship with his new partner for both my children and I.

He's not happy. He just won't let you see him sweat. He's pouring his pain into another woman, but that doesn't work. He wants you to think he moved on, because for a man to get a new woman, right away, makes his old wife feel like he never loved her. That's what he wants. But first round new women rarely succeed, because they're attracted to vulnerable men, who are in emotional pain.

He won't always be in pain, and then she won't want him anymore, and he won't want her. She's a bandaide (adhesive bandage) for his bruised ego, and an outlet for his libido. If that's all he needs, be glad you're free.

The marriage has been on the rocks for a while. I think that is more or less the way you describe why you separated in december. He has met someone new, that is nice for him. She is not someone who has run out on her husband to be with your ex, she lost her husband. She confided in you that she had several miscarriages, that is a pretty hard thing to do. Her message, maybe poorly presented and clearly poorly received that was that she will treat your children as if they are her own as the relationship moves forward.

I don't know if knowing my history will help at all. My wife dumped me for another man a year ago, she had been having an affair. We have two children 7 and 11, we share residency 50/50. I met someone 11 months ago, started dating 8 months ago and moved in together (my two plus her three) just before Christmas (after I got my Decree Absolute). I let my ex-wife know before we told the children (my new partner did the same for her ex-husband, separated for three years now) out of courtesy.

There really was nothing that either ex-partner could do about our decision, but my wife actually became very nasty. Mutual friends that met my new partner told my ex-wife how nice new partner was etc. They thought they were helping, but it actually made things worse. I think the fact that my new partner is very capable, has three children (similiar ages to my own) and teaches at a school that one of my children (and one of her chidlren) goes to was actually very threatening for my ex-wife. My ex-wife will always be my boys' mom. And, I feel she should be happy that when they are not with her they are with me and someone that treats them as her own.

Likewise, my new partners ex-husband has watched two other men come and go, never felt threatened, but has really been rather nasty about me. The children are not allowed to mention my name when they stay with their dad. Both ex's seem to go out of their way to find fault with us. So, the ex's did not want us, but they also don't seem to want us to build a new family. I guess they feel very threatened.

But why the lies?

Well, how about financial. Maybe he did not want you to know she had a place in spain on the basis that if might cause you to think could get more from him. Trust pretty much breaks down in the early stages of a marital breakup.

Frankly, his choice of partners is really none of your business, ven with children in the equation. Nor will his concerns about who you might have as a partner in the future carry any weight.

It is very easy to be critical of a new partner on the basis taht it is concern for the children, but really it is more often facing up to the fact taht we ahve been replaced by our ex-partner and they itnend to mvoe forwrd with tht person into a new family unit.

My advise, and I am dealing with thread and your other one, is let the kids go on holiday at half term with their dad. his new relationship may or may not work out, but if you trusted him to take care of the children when you were together, you have nothing to fear now.

Thanks perrypower, its good to hear what you've actually come through to put my worries into perspective somewhat.

I suppose I'm dissapointed by her almost threatening behaviour and I really kept shut mouthed about what she was saying to question her any further on the meaning behind it.

I appreciate things aren't going to be all roses and sunshine, but I did expect her to put in half of the effort.

My hubby and I are at an almost mexican stand off. He's going to call my solicitor tomorrow to confirm I've spoken with him today. Quite frankly I don't think he believes I've done so but other than him confirming the fact theres nothing else I can do.

I've asked to talk to his partner on the phone, to try and make amends with both of us on neutral ground and at a safe distance whats the worst that can happen???

I just want and I suppose need to get to know her a little I mean at the end of the day there will become a point at which my children will be cared for by her.

I just wish I could fast forward to a place where I'm comfortable with all of this.

Give yourself time. It seems to me that you are making an effort, but don't expect any other woman to ever come up to your standards as far as your children are concerned. They will all fail that test and would you like it if they actually surpassed your own standards. I think that would be even more threatening.

If you can, try to defuse the situation. Good Luck!