I know I'm doing the right thing. I think.

Hi

Sorry to hear that you've clearly had a rough time, and are still having one.

With regard to your questions, minimising contact with the x2b is usually a good idea if things are raw. I tried to do this with mine, and largely succeeded. Obviously you still need contact for the children, and this will be ongoing for years. In the short term you can manage this by email/text, but you will both need to be able to meet and talk about school stuff. Yes you can do parents evenings and stuff separately, but it is best to act together.

If you try mediation it may be a way of establishing contact in a safe environment.....but it sounds like your financial situation may have a few hidden problems so you will need to be careful any bad feelings about that does not derail mediation.

A very useful point is to remember that your x2b will most likely have changed and will not be the person you remember. Don't be surprised at some of the things she says and does.

Other than that I would just say you should take things a day at a time, come here for support, advice, making new friends, and generally to help you get through the divorce.

All the best

S

Thing's only raw for me. (tho she may also feel same)
I just do not want to ever see her ever again at the moment.
As a metaphor, I liken it to when you accidently place your hand on a hot cooker ring or tray, you immediately drop it/pull back, because it hurts.
That is what I am doing, perfectly natural I guess?

After all her lies which I now have evidence of, have done for months, but kept hidden from her in hope of reconciliation.
She now knows I know, and I have shown here evidence.
Not two weeks after I moved out, another bloke, etc.
Now I see, I think, I don't want to reconcile.

Contact for children I want to do via third party - relations, drop of and collection. Certainly for the short term.
Any experience out there???

Mediation is in her ball court. She has delayed the last few meetings, "cant make it", "busy" etc. Even cancelled the last one (well I know it was scheduled, she said not).
Anyway, statement for children, done and issued. I have drafted petition, paid court fee. May focus her mind a bit when she get these. I will be in the driving seat then.

I'm o.k. with the finance bit. I'm not as daft as I make out...
But we do not have time to drag this out, we are going down, quite quickly, I tried numerous times to explain this, but fell on deaf ears. After selling up, paying "her" debts, lucky to clear maybee £10k between us (excluding pensions).
Not even worth arguing over, and that assumes mediation.
She's asked for minor changes to arrangements, I now have to fund more sol bills to re-draft. Daft, but a control thing for her.
Also I now at risk of redundancy. Was advised and had letter today - was expecting this.
Debt wise, 3/4 is on cards in her name as principle card holder. I don't see why I should pay for this.

Oh on pensions, had valuation done some months ago. Just had pension year end statement through, value has dropped by some £9k. I know which one I will be using
If currently divorcing, Check you valuations guy's and girls, get another one, would be my advice.....
I won't have much left, so this does make a difference to me.

x2b has already changed, I can see that now. She has said some vile things to and about me. stuff I never, ever thought she would be capable of or indeed expected from her. I have seen a very different side of her, quite frankly, one I do not like.
Talking to relations, alot has also come out, things that I never knew about. Awfull things, I never knew !.

Miss my children though. Feel cheated as a dad,missing out on so much, as my dad did on seeing them - x2b control thing. It's very hard not to feel angry, but personally I worked out, very, very early on, anger is self defeating, and certainly do not beat yourself up, takes two to make a marriage work.
Anger Has to be channelled. Karma and all that.
I now try not respond at all immediately, however difficult that is at the time. Realise my emotions are high. I try to give it at least a day, maybe two (1 week in one instance). Gives you time to think of all angles, see it from their view, put a positive spin on things, then reply. Works for me.

My favorite quote (I have quite a few) :
"When you get married, it is a contract for life. Success in a marriage requires hard work, self discipline and mutual tolerance. Few people can attain real happiness. It is a rare gift indeed"

As I say, it does take two. In my case my x2b, has hopefully weighed up the prerequisites for success, versus the happiness and decided otherwise. I don't have a problem with that, her choice.

Note comments re this site, support, advise, friends.
There are great people on this site.

sozz if this got a bit rambling.
may make sense to someone.

well done. very hard. i'm a year+ down the line now and so surprised how all these stories have so many similarities.

it is always 'there is no one else' when there is

'i need to find my self' - a personal crisis for the leaving partner, one that induces a crisis everywhere else and the leaving partner is able, often successfully, to cast guilt and blame on everyone else around them but unable to see their own problems and unwilling to do so. so sad when kids are caught in the middle of it.

personally and evidenced many times on wiki, best if you can get away from your partner because you will find yourself, as i have done, and be so much happier and so much less guilt ridden than before. it is not your fault, not your crisis, but your partners. she needed to find herself, she found another soul mate, and she and her new partner between them justify all the pain and confusion that ensues. entrench themselves and then it becomes very difficult to get any access to logical and sympathetic thought in there. - so distance yourself from the pain and confusion and get your life sorted.

it does get better. each day each week.

i'm a bit unusual in that i am still in the family home and the boys (3 older and at uni, one still at school 17) are in and out holiday times except the 17 year old who is still at home. my W wanted to move out, fortunately, but i also knew that if i was to continue to function at work i needed the stability of a home and routine. i am the breadwinner, W was housewife. she has at last a job albeit part time and minimum wage (has a degree and can do much much better!!) it is a crisis, a crisis of confidence, midlife, self esteem, and the thought of 'is this all there is, i dont love him anymore, i dont want to try anymore etc'

it does take two. very much so. we are all at fault. but as you are beginning to realize you cannot continue to beat yourself up for something you have little control over. you need to move on, see the fantastic spring colours and light and find your new self. you will then be even better equipped to help and support your kids who will need your stability and may not see much stability or honesty on her side either - even if you think she is 'sorted'

you are on the right track!

GeeWhizz.
Tink u rite. bang on.
I can't help her anynore, nor can she me.
Mid life crisis for her ? I tink so.

"love you, but not in same way" (realise now what tis means, tanks wikki pepes)
"My life not where it should be right now" - classic symptoms
More:

Has changed haircut and colour.
Wears different clothes.
Wears more makeup.
re-invented herself, Now calls herself different/new "Nick Names" on E;Mails signoff.
Classic signs of MLC. She don't see it.

I do need to get away from her, distance myself, as I have done.
I am right in what I am doing. I know it. I think.
Just that by doing that, I chuck away, any chance of seeing my children everyday.

Also Not too sure I have matched yet the prerequisites for success, versus the happiness and decided otherwise.

Fog not lifted just yet, but getting bit less hazy.
I need to do this.