Hello

Hello,

Not sure where to start really as feel abit numb by whole separation situation. I've been married for 22 years (with him for 25)and have 5 year old twins. I found out when my twins were 2 years old that hubby had been having a three year affair. He swore it was over and that me and the kids were what he wanted. After along time (months of stress & counselling etc)I thought I could start to trust him again. It turned out he was already in 2nd affair with someone I knew. This 2nd affair caused massive heatbreak and stress but (despite good advise from everyone)I continued to try and make my marraige work - abit for my young children but mostly because I love him.

This affair continued (I kept suspecting but was never sure)until he left us in Jan 09. He came back (he did see twins on regular basis in meantime)in early Feb and we stayed together for 6 weeks but then he left us for the other woman.

I applied for divorce due to his adultary. At first I felt just numb and I agreed (statement of arrangements)that he can see the children every day. It felt fair as they are only 5. However I now feel very rejected and jealous as he seems to have just discounted all our years together and moved on. Is it possible to change the amount he sees the children as I feel so upset when I see him. If I can change this am I being selfish and not putting my childrens needs first.

I feel very hurt, angry and mixed up so I'd appreciate any words of wisdom. X

Hi and welcome, I have no idea about the chances of officially altering your agreement, but sometimes you have to put yourself first. Still loving your ex is the most torturous emotion and seeing them so apparently happy, cuts deeply. Jealousy ruins our thoughts and our peace of mind, so put yourself first, your children's needs are better served when your less vulnerable emotionally. I hope one day you will find someone who can return the sort of love that you have to give and turn the tables on your ex.

Thanks for your reply. Its reassuring to know that there are people out there that take the trouble to reply when they are obviously going through their own huge problems. I'm glad I found this site.

hi smithd

welcome to wiki

im sorry life's pretty rubbish for you at the moment..its hard i know..

im what 14 months down the line, seems like a life time ago now !!

what your going through right now is horrible, and we all get that...the emotions running through your head, the jealousy, (i had that loads at the beginning - my ex had a affair and is still with her....and thats hard too) the heartache.....give yourself time and dont beat yourself up about what your feeling, its all normal......

things i would advise..

1. give yourself time.
2. be honest with yourself.
3. keep eating if only small amounts, you need engery...
4. be kind to yourself.
5. do nice things for yourself if you can....not necessarily financial stuff but just nice stuff....girlie stuff....
6. communicate, with family, friends and here....it all helps to talk...
7. if you need to cry then do it...tears are better out than in....it all helps..
8. sleep, if you can when you want to do it...being tired makes things worse...(so if time allows do it).
9. dont drink too much alcohol....mishmine told me that !! only makes things worse and she was right too..
10. love yourself...

mum bought me the "go-Girl" calender for this year...heres an extract...

"There is always a moment when you have to act, despite your fears, and jump out into the unknown"

thats from the calender.....even if you jump into the unknown there will always be people to hold your hand..

take care
Daisy
x

Good Morning to you,

I know what your going through. My wife decided to have an affair after 18yrs together and has ripped the heart out of our family (I have two boy's 15 & 13).

I recently "cut-off" all contact with me wife which is incredibly difficult to do but it has helped me enormously. She can no longer "control" things and it is already starting to cause her problems, so my advice would be to do the same.

My problems started in January, although I suspect my wife had been cheating on us some months before. I have to say my emotions are becoming more manageable but the hurt and pain is still there.

Keep strong and good luck.

Brunswick.

ah bless you hun,

Chin up, think about your beautiful twins. It sounds like it is most certainly his loss and you have got to be strong. I recently joined Wikivorce; just wandering through the internet and found it. Feel so much better being able to communicate to people who are in the same boat.

I have got three children but at the moment am on bail because I bit my husband in self-defence whilst he was attacking me. My court case is in July and I cannot wait to clear my name because he is now claiming to social services that I am an alcoholic and unfit mother. God, men can be total Bs can't they.

At the end of the day, what has got me through is the saying "If it doesn't kill you, it makes you stronger". I am so sorry to read about your predicament but things can only get better. Let him run off with another woman. Good luck to her, he'll probably do it to her one day.

Always remember, you deserve better, and hopefully one day you will find it.

God bless.



Jenny xx

It was good to get such a warm & encouraging response to my message as it really makes me realise that there are loads of other lovely people out there who have not only been through the same situation but who can be bothered to offer words of encouragement & support to others!! I think that in time the experience and the hardship - emotional & fanancial will make us all stronger people. I'm still finding my way round how this site works but I'm already really glad I found it. X