Hello

Hi,

What an amazing site, what a joy to find.
I've been teetering on the edge of calling it a day with my wife for months, no years now, and finally I have been brave enough to actually do something, and now all hell has broken lose of course.

I've often thought about staying for the kids sake or just the sheer convenience and finacial security (5 & 7), but it feels so shallow, no love, no understanding or connection, life is surely too short? I refuse to carry on in a sham where resentment is building on both sides and expose the children to so many fierce arguements. I can't face the rest of my life with this woman who is just so superficial.

So my journey begins, to try to do the best for everyone, try to keep things civilized, to be fair to everyone, but of course feelings are running very high, my wife is prone to emotional outbursts and shouting where very little logic is present.

Slightly more information than was probably needed, but I appreciate the forum to write stuff down, and find others who are negotiating this maze and get some impartial thoughts along the way.

Bisk

Bisk

welcome to Wiki!!!!

Firstly, well done on taking the big step, it's going to be a rough ride, but I can guarantee you that it is worth it in the end.

I'm very similar to you in your journey, albeit 9 months down the line, lived like 2 ships passing in the night for almost 3 years, she (soon to be ex - stbx) was the petitioner, though we both knew that it couldn't go on as it was, nobody else etc (though I've now found a beautiful woman with whom I live, and life is fantastic!!), 2 kids - 4 & 7 etc.... so far so good - amicable, kids coping ok, house for sale, sun is shining, summer is nearly here.......

Most important things are the kids and you.........

Keep posting, tell us your story and all of us will be here to help you along

dd

Not wishing to put any cat amongst any pidgeons here... just curious. I am on the other side of the fence, the woman left behind with the kids and I want to know HOW do men move on so quickly and so businesslike from a marriage?

This really isn't a criticism but the more I read it is the women who are generally struggling and distraught and the men are doing really fine.

Bisc, try to remember the shock and pain your wife may be feeling, you say you have been thinking about wanting this for a long time, she may not have those feelings. Irrational doesn't even touch it when your world is falling apart...

Ignore me. Feeling bitter!

Jackie

Sadface, its not always the man who moves on quickly.

My stbx moved on within days of us separating. That was a shock, I can tell you/

Guys,

It is NOT a gender issue!

Hi Jackie,(sadface)I won't ignore , you made an interesting point.

I appreciate you comment, and perhaps it is good to see this from the other perspective from both sides.

I guess the reason It has become "business like" is after so long of bashing my head against a wall and my wife just putting her head in the sand, and so many "lets split up arguements" then going through the motions and then "trying again" type scenarios you eventually become quite numb emotionally. That doesn't mean that it is easy to walk away, or that it hasn't been thought through properly, or it doesn't hurt still, it is the single most painful thing I have had to do ever, but there comes a point when one person has to be brave enough to pursue the other route, especially when kids are exposed. I think it's all too easy to make the one who "calls time" the black sheep in this circumstance, and also easy to set perpetrator and victim type pigeonholes (you started with the pigeons ). The support network my wife has with friends and family far exceeds mine 5-1 , and she will be left in a mortgage free house as I struggle to find a roof over my head. Yes she is distraught, but getting stronger with every detail of how I will provide and not abandon her, no interest in how I will fair whatsoever, and perhaps if she wasn't less focused on material and superficial elements to life we would have had a chance.
She will have my support in every way as I love my kids to bits, but I simply do not love her, I felt psychologically alienated for so long.
I see so many marriages that are based on nothing more than kids and convieniance, and I look at the people who constantly lay low there partners and moan, and bicker, and keep going in perpetual misery. I can still be a fine Dad out of the house, and that is my intention, but life is too short to be unhappy, and I can say out of my 10 year marriage, the last 4 haven't been.

Thank you " dissapointed dad, liftman and Warner too.

Sorry for the mini rant.

Bisk

Hi Bisk,

More than anything else, my advice to you is to keep your cool. If you find the situation getting out of hand, and of course ensuring that your kids are safe, I would suggest that you just tell your wife that you're going out for a while to get some fresh air, etc. and return when you've calmed yourself down.

You will always be a Dad, but staying in this relationship doesn't sound to me the right thing to do.

Hard though it probably is, start thinking about 'self first' and then your children. You cannot look after your children if you're not looking after yourself. Self first is a long way off 'self ish', and by the tone of your previous post very far away from 'selfless' which appears to be nearer to where you are today.

Best of luck

Fab.Dad