Feeling lost and confused

Hi I'm new here. Been married fairly happily, or so I thought, for just over 18 years and have 3 lovely boys with my husband and a daughter from a previous relationship. Just over a month ago I found out that he has been having an affair for over 2 years. He says he is leaving but not until we sort everything out, like money, the house, the boys etc. I'm finding the whole situation so difficult, part of me just wants him to leave, part is scared about the future and managing on my own. He is very keen to avoid solicitors and thinks we can work things out between us, but although I too would like to try this I'm not sure if it will be possible. I'm finding it very difficult to come to terms with the thought of my youngest meeting his new partner and don't know how to move past this. The older ones have said they have no interest in meeting her. I hope things will get easier with time but it just doesn't feel like it will at the moment.

Things will get better in time. I am no expert but even if you initially get solicitors involved it will be better for you as they are the experts and will leave no stone unturned.( Maybe you are entitled to legal aid) At the end of the day you want what you are entitled to. Living under the same roof cannot be easy and not ideal . Until he actually leaves you are not able to deal with things properly.There is always help and advice and you must be strong.You say you are scared of managing alone - you are not alone you have your children.

It's only a thought, but it seems to me you have already subconsciously begun the moving on process by referring to your husbands lover as "his new partner" and not as she should be addressed, "the other woman", good for you. If he's intent on this course, he can only mean mediation and as far as I know, both parties have to agree on all the issue's, it does save money but I would strongly suggest you get some legal advice first, most solicitors will give you the first half hour free, don't be railroaded, you haven't done anything wrong, protect your interests. I'd like to say throw him out, don't let him dictate the terms and take some control, but I realize it's easier said than done. What you must do, is, find out what benefits you are entitled to when he has gone, how else will you know what is fair later, during mediation.
I'm sorry for you and your children, I'm told eventually life gets better and I'm sure it does, forever to me, just seems a tad unfair.
Best wishes. Mick.

Thanks for your views, its just so great to be able to talk to people about this. So far he's been very reluctant for me to go public, thinks everyone will think bad of him. The only person I've been able to talk to is my sister and she lives over 400 miles away. She too is of the opinion that I should see a solicitor its just I'm not sure where to go and I dont really have anyone I can ask here. Reading other people's stories makes me realise that in a way I'm quite lucky, he's said I can keep the house and he will continue to pay the mortgage and all bills plus he will give me enough each month to continue to live comfortably, but this is all on the condition that I stay living here and dont move away to be near my family and also that I give in to his demands for contact with the boys. I'm just concerned that once he does leave she may influence him and try and make him give me less. Also not happy at all about my youngest having overnight visits to his new partner's house. She's got two children that husband hasn't even met yet and her house isn't really big enough for our youngest to sleep over. Plus he's only going to be living 5 mins away so dont see why he needs to sleep. It's nice to know that others dont think its my fault, as husband is trying to make me feel like it is. I spent a lot of time backwards and forwards to my mothers a few years ago when she was going through a messy divorce and he says thats why it started.

Ignore what he says about your trips to your mums being the reason for his affair. In my opinion people who have affairs are cowards who look for any excuse to blame someone else for their behaviour.

In practical terms you can go down the mediation route to agree a settlement. It is a lot cheaper than solicitors and court, but you should have a solicitor who can use sparingly to make sure you are not losing out. I would initially see a solicitor on a free consultaion - a lot of solicitors do this. You can even see a few and select the one that you like the most. Definitely do not agree to anything about finances or contact without seeking proper advice. You will find you can get good advice here as a lot of us have been through this stage.

In practical ane emotional terms it would be better for you both if he has decided it is over that he moves out. In my opinion the one that has decided the marriage is over and had the affair should move out. My wife wanted me to move out after her affair and I refused as I also worked from home, after a few very difficult weeks she moved out and rented a place, and things immediately felt better.

Keep posting, and remember things do get better - but its a bumpy journey!

S