What to do next

Hallo again UB40fan

I am sorry you have had this awful discovery - but now you can take some definite action. Things will be painful but you will be happy again.

Your children will benefit if you are honest with them - you don't have to give them all the details - and explain that you and their mother still love them very much and that won't change.

Hi Marshy,

Wow thank you for your candour. i know what you are saying is correct if I was not like I was before then I would have left and not looked back a long time ago. She is a good person and I left her lonley for a number of years by being rude and condescending to her i built the wall around me which she could not breach. As I said earlier my older two girls(15 and 18) over heard some of the conversation this morning and when I said I wanted to leave they both said I should stay.
I feel I have been a good husband and father over the last year and do not deserve this

Hi UB40

I sort of agree with Marshy - there are some people who deal with their emotional feelings by latching on to others. I dont really understand it because its not how I operate but I have got friends who do it and by talking to them I have a better understanding of what they do. They would argue they just cant help themselves (and maybe thats right) if somethings missing from one source they will go and get it from another - they will tell you there was nothing they could do about it. I am sure you have made mistakes - in long relationships we are all bound to - but it doesnt mean you have to be locked into this situation.

From what you say you are in a cant live with cant live without relationship with your wife. In truth whether you limp on together or separate she will always be in your life because when you have kids together being completely separate doesnt become a full option (unless one person walks away from everybody).

You sound like you operate very differently to your wife in that you are with one person at a time and they are the focus of your security and your sense of commitment. Therefore you cant meet your needs in other ways like she is. You have to be honest with yourself because you cant make her change - as I see it you can either decide stay dealing with the uncertainty and living with the fear she may one day leave you. Or you can call time and hopefully retain an amicable relationship with her but free yourself emotionally to move forward in your life.

I would find it very hard to give advice about this as divorce is a horrendous business with long term ramifications especially where children are involved. It takes a very long time to sort everything out and is a loney walk at times. However equally as others have already said, sometimes you have to let it go - however that happens - and once you get over the initial emotional rollercoaster - you can find a different you not cresting on the waves of some one elses dramas and needs.

What ever you decide follow your own instincts and go at your own pace. Dont let others tell you what to do. You can only do what you feel is right and that might not be what someone else thinks is right but that is the reality - this is very personal its your life and your choice.

Good luck with it
Rasher

What a very insightful and understanding post rasher.

You've obviously learned a lot about people on your journey.

You've had some very good feedback there UB40 - I wish you luck in the decision you have to make, it's not a great situation for you but, having made a decision (one way or the other) that you can commit to then you will begin to feel better.

Shezi

Hello Rasher and every other very kind persons out there.

I am not sure how i could cope without this wonderful wonderful support. Rasher I do not know how you have got into my head but you have described my feelings and W feelings to a t.
I hope things would have been diffrent if I had been a better husband but I am not even sure about this any more.I thought I could not get any lower then I had already but you are right I am in a cant do with cant do with out place. I know if said I wanted to try again she would hurt me again and again like she has before. Am I normal in wanting a one on one relationship or am I that out of touch with reality.She has just come through the doorand is talking to the kids downstairs have to go thank you all

ub40fan,

We're all different and have different needs in life but from what you've said it sounds like you're taking a pasting.

One thought for you... and I'm trying not to be judgemental here (of your wife, that is). Your decision to be a better husband was understandable, commendable and well worth a try. It would have been impossible to know this at the time but it may have had the effect of rewarding her - she may have seen having the affair as the way to keep you on your toes and have excitement on the side too - nice life if you can swing it. I made a similar mistake myself. Looking back, I wish I had been much more firm with my wife. Our marriage started going wrong very soon after we were married and I tried to be accommodating. It set up a pattern of my wife being unreasonable and me bending over backwards to try to keep the peace. Looking back, I wish I had thrown her out of my place and told her not to come back unless she had grown up. I think that may have put us on an equal footing and that might have saved out marriage. Instead, things continued to deteriorate until she insisted we separate, whereupon our marriage went bang. Weeks after we had separated (and I had met someone who appreciated me) my ex was suicidal at losing her husband and family... but her introduction to reality had come too late. Obviously, that's not appropriate in your case but if you wanted to try something new then what I'm trying to say is 'be creative' - look for the middle way. I mourn the loss of my family and I'd hesitate to advise anyone else to end theirs, even in your case.

Good luck, mate!!! And remember, there will always be sunny days, music, beer, holidays with the kids. It's tough but there's always a happy ending out there if you make it happen!!!

VTwin11 wrote:

ub40fan,

Looking back, I wish I had been much more firm with my wife. Our marriage started going wrong very soon after we were married and I tried to be accommodating. It set up a pattern of my wife being unreasonable and me bending over backwards to try to keep the peace. Looking back, I wish I had thrown her out of my place and told her not to come back unless she had grown up. I think that may have put us on an equal footing and that might have saved out marriage.

We all need to stand up for outselves more. In fact its a prerequisite for any stable relationship. And giving someone the keys to our life is asking to be abused and used. I too rolled over for an easy life and the upshot was that I was sysematicly abused as a consequence. But I think I wasnt that strong in that relationship. She dominated me from the get go. But I have learned so much about me in the last 3 years that I dont think I will make that mistake again. But it took some time to regain my confidence. C.