What to do next

Hello every one,

I am new to this forum with a dilema. I have not been the greatest of husbands and whilst not thinking I have been abusive, I have on occasions retreated into myself and not be very communicative but I deeply love my wife and want her to be happy.
1 year ago I discovered my wife was having an affair with a work mate and it has transpired it had been going on for 5 years. After a very painful time my wife said she would stop seeing this guy (whose married)and give our marriage another go. During this time however I discovered on at least 6 occassions she has still been seeing him after each one she has stated this was the last time.
As stated earlier I want her to be happy but I also want to be at peace and not to have my heart continually broken. During our heart to hearts I have begged her to tell me if she can be honest with me but all the times I have been discovered she was still seeing the guy it is me who has either seen a new text (leaving nothing to the imagination) caught her lying or found a reciept for some new item of revealing clothing I have not seen. We tried councilling for 6 months but it did not take away my underling fears. During the last year I have turned around the way I am with her and the kids I am now affectionate supportive loving and attentive I have been a good if not fantastic father and want to keep putting the kids first. My middle girl is currently going through GCSEs so I do not want to do anthing to upset these. My head tells me divorce but my heart tells me I cannot do with out her please help

Hallo UB40fan and welcome to Wikivorce

I think your head is telling you the right thing.

Of course you can do without her - and her repeated cheating. But it won't be easy.

I think lots of people try to avoid pain by carrying on rather than acknowledging the pain of relationship break up, especially when there are children involved.

In my case, my husband left after our son did his GCSEs to live with his other woman. In retrospect I don't think it would have made any difference if he'd left earlier as my son thought something was going on anyway.

But you don't say how your relationship with your wife, apart from the affair, is.

Does she stay with you because her lover won't commit, for the children, because she is financially secure or because she cares about you?

What, if anything, did you learn from counselling?

How do you see things when your children grow up and move on?

When you are in a relationship it is often hard to see things as they are. I've only recently realised that I was unhappy for a lot longer than I thought.

You talk about wanting your wife to be happy - but you have a right to happiness too.

Hello NoregretsNell,

Thank you for your welcome and thank you for taking the time to respond this seems an excellent site!!

I have just spent a really good weekend with wife and kids with lots of time spent togeather and even some fun.
Our relationshp apart from the affairs is now very good esp since I have decided to revert to being a good husband and father. We communicate very well,share the same outlook on life , she is very affectionate to me as I am now being to her as I said in my previous message I could retreat into myself and not communicate for long periods and not be affectionate but as i now know it hurts her I do not do it anymore I suppose I am hoping it we can stay togeather happily. I can get emotional and indeed was crying last night after I thought she left the kitchen as I was cooking which spolit things a bit.

I think even though she would not say so directly if the other party left his wife she would have left me but he has no intention of doing so. I do not want to paint her in a bad light as I know I must of hurt her by the way I was to her,she says she still loves me and she is a great mother to the kids.
Money wise we are ok with reasonable if not entirly safe jobs so financially we could cope seperatly. Our youngest child is 10 so he will be dependent of us for at least another 8 years I think if we stayed togeather after he left home we would be happy as we have enough common interests and we like as well as love each other as long as I feel safe.

The councilling was through relate and whilst the councillor herself was very kind and patient my wife did not fully open up to her and held some thoughts and feelings back.

I do feel guilty about doing anything during my daughter's exams as I do not want to do anything to distract her but like you I know all my three kids (by seeing texts on their mums phone) are aware of whats going. I hope your son was successful in his exams. I do want to be happy as well and when I forget the pain I am but do not feel I have a right to it. Thank you for taking the time to do this I have found it therapeutic. ub40fan

No problem, UB40fan, I find this site invaluable.

My son did reasonably in his GCSEs thanks, but decided not to go into 6th form and has been in a bit of a rut doing very little, though he recently got a job which is doing his self-esteem a lot of good.

I realise now I was feeling very unvalued in my marriage - and I didn't value myself. I actually like me and am enjoying my freedom - not in the least bit bothered about another relationship.

Of course my sons still come first but I am having a much happier life than I was this time last year.

Best wishes to you whatever you decide.

UB40fan (love the band!!)

Just got back from a fantastic holiday with my new partner - and am catching up on posts......

How can she 'love' you when she's having affairs - sorry to be harsh, but it doesn't compute for me - she's like my stbx, having her cake and eating it.... my partner quite rightly pulled the veil from my eyes, and allowed me to see what actually was going on.... I was being 'kind' trying to make the whole split amicable, worried that she'd try and restrict access to the kids (every 2nd weekend) but my stbx (and her mother) were just playing me for a fool (give them an inch, they take a yard, give them a yard, they take a mile.....as many and Bob Marley said..)), and all through my own belief that treating somebody with respect and with a sense of fairplay, they'd do the same...... but NO!!!!

Stbx, has left my children (4 & 7) on their own with a babysitter for 2 nights, 3 days running - Friday, Saturday and Sunday) while she goes off and fulfill's her physical needs - I have always put my children first, but their mother acts as if they are in the way of her 'finding herself' - she did this without any communication to both the au-pair and myself ( I really don't care what she does, but the common curteosy of letting people know where/what she she's planning does not exist (the children don't know when mummy is back, and I can't plan my life, and my partner feels controlled by her lack of communication because I cannot plan my life, which is frankly too much for me at the moment) ----it makes my blood boil, and unfortunately there is f**k all I can do about it.................

Hello DD,
I hope you had a good holiday.I am sorry for the way your x has been treating you and the kids. You seem to be getting to a good place by separating the kids and their needs from her behaviour.
My situation has changed dramatically from my last post. I found out this morning she had spent last night with him under the guise of going to a conference. I was not in a very good place earlier but have become more accepting and want to move on.I have also found out by speaking to the other chap that there have been other affairs that i did not know about. My older two children much to my shame over heard part of the conversation with my wife and are confused and upset. When she comes back tonight I want to tell her the marriage is over and it is her fault. i need some moral support!!

Hi UB40. I read thru the posts and the 1st one saddened me. I thought to myself. This isnt going to get worked out. Then I was lifted becuase you seemed to be doing well and then wamo. Yr last post.

I need to tell you some truths. Some people cant be faithful. There is something missing in her relationship with you. You cant give it to her. She doesnt know what it is. I see this all the time here and elsewhere where one person is a serial cheat.

Its nothing to do with yr behavour. Retreating into ones cave is a man thing (read men are from mars and women are from skegness (venus)). I am like this and lots of my mates are the same way. Its a man thing. Like cloathes and weight obsession is a women thing. So dont blame yrself.

This man has a hold over her. She is drawn back to him. Moving away would stop them seeing each other but would break her and she would just converse in some other way. And more than likely she will leave you for him.

Its upto you what you do. Follow yr head or yr heart. Follow yr head and you will be rid of the emotional rollercoaster. Follow yr heart and this situation will break you. No one can put up with being a stepping stone forever.

You are between a rock and a hard place. I know becuase I was where you are not right now 3 and a bit years ago. In my case I let her go. And for me it was the best and only decision I could make. But we are not all the same.

It comes down to if you want to have yr heart broken and broken and broken again. Or you want to rebuild yr life and start afreash with all the risk and so on thats attached to it.

I cant tell you what todo. That has to be yr choice. But I know what I would do. I would end this pain. You only have 1 life. This isnt a read thru and its getting shorter day by day. So make the right choice. C.