Falling apart

Hello

I've spent all morning looking through this website, reading the forum mostly, and trying to pluck up the courage to register and post.

Sorry in advance for the long post, but I'm at my wits end. Everything is so raw. I'm not sure whether I should be posting right now, but what I'm going through feels like the end, and I just dont know where I stand.

My partner and I have been together for 10 years now. I was married once at 21 for about 9 years and very quickly realised that I had made a mistake. We were too young and married after a really short courtship. I eventually left, and we divorced.

When I met my current partner, I think I had a feeling early on that it would be a challenging relationship because he was such a reserved character, never really letting anyone into his world. Over time I've seen a different side to him, and whilst he's more relaxed in my company he is still really awkward with social relationships. He never makes any friends and never fits comfortably into conversations with anyone. He's never formed any bond with people at his work, my friends, my family, his own family - he keeps everyone at a distance. Last year he lost his last close relative - his mother. He was visibly grief stricken at the time, but has never really spoken about his feelings since the funeral.

I have wanted us to marry for years, but he's never felt he could make that final commitment. I'm guilty as anything for putting my foot down this year and telling him I couldn't carry on as we were, we had a house and a life and I wanted us to make that final step. I was prepared for the worst but he he came back to me and said he would get married because he didn't want to lose what we had built together.

To cut a long story short, its now only three weeks to our wedding and he's telling me it is all over and he wants a complete break. We'd been arguing and talking a lot lately, mostly because he just didn't seem interested in the wedding and he was distancing himself from it.. I'm absolutely devastated, not just because he's left it till this stage to tell me, but also because of the way that he's done it - by email! I've called and left messages, even emailed him back but he hasn't been back in touch.

I don't understand how he can change like this because he was talking about things we'd do to the house on our return from honeymoon only the day before and everything seemed to be getting back on track. I'm in shock because this is going to turn our world upside down. I don't know how to get through this, I don't want to talk to friends yet because deep down I still want us to work things out.

He says he's planning to come back at the end of next week to collect some things. My family are adamant that I change the locks because they're worried he'll do a flit with a lot of stuff whilst I'm away at work. I'm so strung out with shock and grief I don't know what to do for the best. Grateful for any advice really.

Hey

Being calm is your best option after that.../wotever

Hi Genny

Welcome to Wiki. Im so sorry that you find yourself in this position. No wonder you are feeling at your wit's end. I dont know what to tell you much... If he has been with you for 10 years I dont think he has commitment issues per se... maybe its marriage that scares him. best thing is to talk and find out what is bothering him.

im sorry im not of more help....

take care
claudette

Hi Claudette

Thanks for your words anyway, you're probably right, it isn't really the committment. We've always had a bit of a stormy relationship, and we've argued a lot more recently. But we've been through a lot together and I always thought the good times outweighed the others. If I could talk to him right now, I really would, but I can't reach him.


Elle

Its easy to be flip when it isn't you going through it. I just wanted somewhere to vent. I've not been able to confide in anyone up till now, and just writing about it helps a little. I thought this site helped with that side of things as well as the legal and financial.

Hi GennyJane

Welcome to Wiki. This site does help with being here for divorcees, yet I am sure it will do you some good to vent and as you have been in a relationship with your partner for 10 years, I am sure that is similar for anyone who has been married for 10 years, it is a long time. Take it you have been living together?

Blogging is a really good way to vent too and also popping into chat can help, there are lots of us who have been in long term relationships like you. And also some are partners of divorcing people, so they are obviously not married yet either. Hope that helps you.

Wikihug >>>(((((GennyJane)))))

Thanks for the post 79fw.

I was exhausted yesterday and went out like a light. Waking up this morning I felt like he was lying next to me. Then I remembered and my stomach dropped like a stone. I feel physically sick.

was reading an old post by Soupy who couldn't believe in life after divorce and I know exactly what he means. I'm facing a future that looks completely blank. We will have to sell our house (yes, we were living together) which we were in the middle of doing up room by room. Everything we fixed in it was a bit of him and me. Every stick of furniture and ornament tells our story. I can't imagine a life without him in it. My parents are the only ones who know because I can't face the shock/sympathy/shadenfreud from anyone else.

I feel so alone right now. I can't see how I could ever be happy again.

I think he owes it to you to do a bit of explaining as to whether it is you or the idea of being married......or someone else? Whatever happens you will get through it, just take it a day at a time, don't think too far ahead. It must be a nightmare with the wedding only 3 weeks away.....this happened to me but it was 3 months before our wedding, we had been together 7 years and he had built the idea of marriage as changing his life completely, never being able to go out, tied down etc etc.....we did end up splitting up for 2 years and then ran off to Vegas so he didn't have to go through the stress of the big wedding build up!!