Falling apart

Hi GennyJane

I know it's an awful feeling at first, when you wake up and there is a space next to you, it takes some getting used to. Don't know if we ever totally accept it, yet that shock-type feeling does fade, I never thought it would. I often used to hear people saying it gets better, they only occasionally get the lonely feelings after a while, but that actually does happen. So I guess it is a form of acceptance. God I hated the idea that I would ever accept being alone, but one has to in the end and I think we do this because our hearts wouldn't be able to bear the constsnt daily self punishment, so we do what is best for us, in the end.

And when that happens it takes us to a different level, honest.

That is where a lot of us are at right now emotionally getting over it and planning the next level, filling the spaces. Two sets of emotions (moods) struggle to occupy the same space at the same time.

With regards to the stuff that you shared, what I did was when my H left, I forced myself to paint the bedroom and change the furniture around. It really does help the mind to wake up to something different. I figured that as he was waking up to something different (OW) so would I (not another man just another room). It's about bringing the subconscious into the now, I guess, then the conscious follows on more readily. People call that baby steps, when a baby learns to walk it takes each step with caution, a bit of apprehension, and exitement too at the realisation that they can do it.

Share with who you feel comfortable with and if you don't want the shadenfreud etc, you don't have to let it in unless you are in a place where you can take it.

Go easy on yourself

79fw

Thank you 79fw. It really helped to read your words. They made me cry a bit again, but so many on this site are talking about the changes they are making/have made to their lives post separation/divorce and all of this seems a million miles away from where I am at the moment.

We never had kids, and whilst I've always maintained outwardly that we were better off without them, I've often wondered what difference it would have made to the people we became. Without the responsibilities of a family and a network of single parents, I feel a bit like an outsider. I don't really feel I have the right to hurt the way I do, because we never married, we never had children. And there are people here that are having a far harder time.

I can't imagine planning for a future without him in it - we were so close to a different type of future together.

I get what you say about changing the house, but I'm not sure whether I'll even be here much longer. I certainly can't afford to pay for it myself. And I'm feeling sick trying to imagine how to tell people everything is over, I keep getting asked how the planning is going.

He's managed to make himself invisible this weekend. There is no way of knowing what is going on in his head. My next fear is that he'll enter the house whilst I'm at work and take everything away without a word to me. And I'm most worried that he'll take away our cat - one of the few things keeing me sane right now. Yes, I'm aware its not the same as a child, but the cat is all I have left of us.

Hi GennyJane

Reading through your very heartfelt post, I couldn't help but see the similarities in your relationship and my own. We went down the path of marriage and stuck with it for 5 years. You could have been describing my ex.

I have to say, since we are now going through divorce, I'm not sure that being able to 'get things back on track' will change much in the long term.

I can hear how upset you are, just from the way you write - and imagine you would give a lot to make the marriage happen. However, it would be in your own interests to listen to his own issues. If it is marriage that is the sticking point, how able are you to continue together without it? What was it that made you feel unable to go on without that 'final commitment'? Would that be different now?

Not everyone agrees that marriage is a higher level of commitment. It may be that he felt fully committed anyway and that, by insisting on marriage, you were somehow doubting that commitment? On the other hand, it may be that marriage simply terrifies some part of him.

Either way, if there is to be any hope at all of reconciliation, you may need to give him some space to come around to the discussion that will obviously be necessary.

As for the wedding plans... you seem to have no option but to cancel or postpone. I'm so sorry

I wish you well, GennyJane

Shezi

Oh god I am sorry if I upset you GennyJane. That was not my intention.

Have you tried talking to him about the emotional and not the material side of the relationship? Leaving the posessions out of the equation will maybe help to find the answers.

I understand about the cat, we shared pet companions and he took 2, I kept 2, he got rid of 2 and I still have 2. And yes they are close and we depend on each other for company at times

A virtual comfort hug for you >>> (((((GennyJane)))))

Please if anything I am saying is upsetting you, don't feel you have no rights to say 'please don't post in my thread'. I will not be offended honest We all have different opinions and some are helpful some are not.

Take care
79fw

Hi 79fw,

Really you didn't upset me in a bad way - it was just such a relief and comfort to find someone who relates to how I feel right now. I know we've all been through the mill, but you write very eloquently, and your words affected me. Plus I'm a little too quick to tears at the moment - everything sets me off. I shall get sick of myself in this state if I can't control them better!

Believe me - I've sent him a couple of emails in the last 36 hours that centre on the emotional, although ironically I have a theory that might go some way to explaining his change of heart.

I know when his mum passed away she left him a small inheritance - a flat abroad and some money. I never really asked too many questions about the details because I was never that interested and he was always so secretive. But I'm wondering if he was worried about me making off with half the proceeds if the marriage broke down? It's horrible to think that he has so little faith in me - it makes me feel no better than a gold digger - but it would make some sense as being sensible with money goes hand in hand with the man. I was so sure I'd found a reason, I fired off another email to him earlier telling him that I would happily sign any pre-nup agreement waiving any rights to his inheritance, if he agreed to the same with anything I have now and receive from my family.

Shezi - Thanks for your post as well. I am very guilty for not listening enough to his concerns in the past. I knew he was indifferent to marriage and he has said that he thought we could go on living together without it. But I never thought it went deeper than indifference until recently.

Call me stupid and old fashioned, but I've always viewed marriage as a way of telling the world how committed you are to each other. He had a saying, "you and me go hand in hand, against the world" - like we were the ultimate team, our own small family. I sort of view marriage a bit like that.

You say that by insisting on marriage, he might have felt I was doubting his commitment to the relationship. Strange, but I feel the opposite - like him trying his best to avoid marriage was throwing doubt on his commitment to the relationship; like he thought not being married gave him license to act like a single man or walk out on me whenever the going got a bit rocky.

I think you're right about the wedding plans though.

Hi GennyJane

I can see that you are tearing yourself apart trying to fathom the reason for his behaviour. You wrote:

I never really asked too many questions about the details because I was never that interested and he was always so secretive.

More and more he sounds like my ex... how did you feel about his secretiveness? I'm getting the feeling that there are some serious trust issues for him? How difficult to have to wonder at his thoughts and motives. I used to do this all the time, speculating this way and that until I was going round in circles trying to understand.

When I said:

It may be that he felt fully committed anyway and that, by insisting on marriage, you were somehow doubting that commitment? On the other hand, it may be that marriage simply terrifies some part of him.

... I actually looked at both possibilities. Only he can know what his issue with this marriage is. You may be right though, it could be that he didn't want to make that final commitment at all. I guess time will tell. Let us know how you get on?

Shezi