Its doing my head in!!!

Hello Everybody,

First post on here, looks like the place to be for some advice and wisdom.
I’ve been with my wife now for 13 years, married for the last 8. Since I've known her she has been seeing counsellors and psychologists for depression. Anyhow we used to live in Cardiff, both with good jobs but my wife started running into problems with her motivation to go to work and so started to have more and more time off which was questioned by her employer which only depressed my wife further. We talked about solutions and, after discussing things with her kids as they were staying put, she gave up her job and I relocated mine and we sold up and bought an old house in a little village in the Dales. That was in summer 2006. My salary covered everything and we got by quite well. But she started getting further into serious depression again about 18 months ago, not getting up at all on many occasions, crying, not interested in anything, tearing me apart for coming home and daring to make dinner, hoover and wash up as I was showing her up for not doing it. I went to some of her counselling sessions at her counsellor’s request to try and find more techniques to help her. One was for her to get a little local job so when one came up at the local pub she took it. She was livelier than I had seen her in years. Then about 4 months ago the rumours of her seeing one of the locals started, I had noticed she was very cosy with him and so asked her, quite calmly, about it. She said her job was to be friendly. We had a big row and she moved into the spare room. Then about 2 weeks ago she came home from work one night and told me that I was a control freak who hadn’t loved her children enough, she loved me but not as a husband any longer, she knew I’d done my best for her but it no longer was enough so could I move out and let her get on with her life. I said I didn’t want to move out as from my perspective I had done nothing wrong. Reluctantly she packed a bag and left. That night I transferred money into her bank so she would be okay for digs, food etc, I love her. I have repeatedly told her she can stay here until we sort our situation out but she declines saying that isn’t being independent and what if she wants to bring somebody home?? She still returns daily though to shower, change clothes and eat before going out wherever all night.
So that’s me really, how the hell do I get through this?? I still love my wife and if she did come and talk to me about us, even after her infidelity, I’d probably have her back but I don’t think that’s going to happen. I have photos, cards, texts from not too long ago declaring her undying love for me saying stuff like I know I’m not easy to be with, thanks for staying around, love you so much. Its all doing my head in totally. I know I still shouldn’t be in love with her after her actions but I am. Mates have come to visit, chat and make sure I’m okay all say I’m a doormat and should toughen up and forget her, move on, if only it was that easy. I probably haven’t done everything right all of the time but I always tried and did my best for her always.
So any advice, wisdom, experiences gratefully received.
Pete.

Hi Pete

You have come to the right site for some help and support .

Not too wise myself ! But there is loads of help here

From the moment one partner expresses a wish to split up / leave , the rollercoaster ride begins for you both whether you want it or not .

Hold on tight , get all the practical help you can , and dont forget about looking after yourself and your own needs .
This is a time to allow yourself to be a little selfish to make sure you get through this ....

take care

shiny