hi, a rotten divorce need help

hi i'm new and going through a rotten divorce my husband has this extreme hatred for me and children [17&14] its dreadful anyone in same boat

Hi, Sorry that you find yourself here.

Yes there are lots of us in the same boat. Obviously I don't know your situation, but mine is basically that my wife had an affair after 18 years of marriage. She then decided that everything was my fault, and that her new guy could do no wrong, and moved out of the marital home. I have had all sorts of nastiness from her, but am now getting on with my life.

If you use this site you will get lots of advice support and friendship to help you through it

All the best

S

In a word yes, Our divorce was dreadful.

My ex left wanting a divorce straight away, it then took him 12 months to file.

He has had a couple of affiars, I thought his wierd behaviour was down to work stress, but then something clicked and I knew. My heart began to break. I tried to be attentive, I tried to work it out but he just became more distant and angry. He has been angry all the way through.

Every piece of correspondance has been taken in an angry way, he has seen the negative in everything. He even became angry when I informed him that our youngest was ill and needed admitting to hospital. On this occasion he had his solicitor send me a letter requesting that I refrain from informing him of such events as it "upset" his client.

I don't think the anger is directed at me and our children, I think it is his own anger projected forward and away from himself.

I know my ex, in the past he got angry when he was hurt, he would display anger when the kids hurt themselves or got in a pickle. He would rant and then hug them.

I feel my ex is hurting but he is too weak to admit it. He is also incapable of forgiving, he holds a grudge and he falls out with people for ever.

My ex was ranting in court, so the judge ordered that he stay out, the hearing went on in his absence. I was escorted to my car because even his solicitor was concerned and suggested that we left seperatly.

He didn't do it again, at the next 2 hearings he held his head low at all times, not once did he make eye contact with anyone in that court room, not even with the judge. He didn't answer the judges questions directly, he whispered into his barrister ear and then the barrister answered for him. It was like watching a shy withdrawn child.

He hasn't seen our sons for 2 years, and he broke off communication totally 12 months ago following an angry outburst, again directing any blame away from himself.

My ex has turned his back on responsibility and used his anger to get him there. One day he will realise what he has done, and I'd hate to be around him when that day arrives.

I can only suggest one thing, you are not going to be able to dampen the anger, so just take a back seat and watch from a distance. Protect yourself and your kids by seeking support. I got counselling, it helped greatly, she was able to explain anger to the lads and they realise now that their dads reaction has nothing to do with them or me. She explained to them that it was his way of building a defence wall, that he was hiding behind his anger because he was affraid.

Hi M, yes- I have 2 boys - 17 and 13.
Thought ex had stress at work - was having an affair with his 20yrs younger colleague.
He hasn't seen our eldest now for 16 months - when our son told him what he felt about the situation and lack of contact.
He sees our youngest for about 3 hrs a week.Eldest had absolutely no contact - not even a birthday card, didnt ask about his gcse results.

I too get the blame, he is so angry.... sad little man.
I'm glad our children don't have to face it.

Daisygreen x

My ex was very angry in the last stages of our marriage. He was particularly down on our eldest son.

Everything was someone else's fault.

But he moved out and is living with another woman and her two small children. They are still at the stage where they do what they are told etc. Not sure how he will handle it when they become teenagers, but not my problem.

He has calmed down a lot. Yesterday we had a convo in which - much to my amazement - he recognised how hurt I had been and apologised.

Sadly we live in a society where anger is often the only "manly" emotion that many men think they can express. My ex said he hadn't cried at all "because he was a man" though there are plenty of guys on this site who have and do cry.

Anger was my ex's way of expressing his lack of control and his sadness. I am glad I put his emotional baggage back on the carousel and don't have to lug it around any more.