When does it stop hurting?

My husband & I agreed to put some space between us last June, afer he had a relationship with another woman and had signed himself up to several internet dating sites, I was finding it hard to forgive him due to him stating that I was 100% to blame for all that was wrong in our marriage. After he moved out we got along better than I had expected, we even went to relate, during which time we both acknowledged our part in the breakdown on our relationship. However in March he took his new girlfriend on holiday, and even though I pleaded with him to give us another chance, he advised me that there was no hope of us getting back together and that his going to relate was to prove to himself that is leaving me was the right thing to do. I thought at this point I had hit the bottom and that the only was was up, how wrong I was. We both saw solicitors and agreed we could deal with the divorce and financial agreement ourselves. However any friendship that was there has now gone, he pays a fraction of what I am entitled to in maintenance and will be considerably better off once the house is sold due to a Clean Break agreement, yet he continues to blame me for his financial situation, if I try to defend myself he threatens to stop supporting me & our daughters, I accept that I am only entitled to maintenance for myself & our youngest as she is due to start University, but to have to bite my tongue and not be able to suggest his new life style may be more responsible for his lack of funds is just adding to my hurt and anger. Our eldest daughter has been caught in the cross fire and hears things from her father that she then asks me about which I have until recently defended myself over, she has also told him that she does not want to hear or meet his new girlfriend until she is ready to do so, but he parades her in front of our daughter when he knows she will be in town. This weekend our eldest daughter was due to visit a friend in London, her father was going to London to watch a football match with a friend and had agreed to take her and bring her home, she let a few things slip and as a mother you just know when things are not right, I have now found out that his girlfriend has gone with him, I feel betrayed by my daughter and the hurt is just getting deeper. I have now run out of wine glasses to throw across the kitchen I just want these feelings to go away, I feel lonely, unloved and all alone, why does he have someone to make him feel good about himself when he has caused so much pain?

hi
I wish i could wave a magic wand and make all these feelings you have just disappear but i just cant .
I really do understand the hurt and the betrayal you are feeling and they will go in time.
How much time i dont know all i can say to you is go with these feelings let them out dont bottle it up for me i have found that every tear i cried was me letting go just a bit and I really have cried .
And sometimes i felt ok but then feeling so low I felt I would never recover and each time I did I get stronger I still hurt sometimes but the tears are less and the time in between the pain is longer .
What helped me was blogging i wrote things down I joined in the chat room here and got so much support and the feed back from my blogs were so supportive too and with out realizing it I too was helping others in my situation deal with their situation so I was glad of that .
He will blame you but only so he doest have to deal with his short comming why would he want to make him self feel like you he knows what he is doing .
Hold your head up and try to be happy I always say that if they can see you are moving on and moving on is different to getting on with your life as moving on involves being at peace with your feelings and getting on means just that getting on with your life not many things change they stay the same .
One day might give him cause to regret his actions but then you will be so happy with your self and your life you wont care .
I want to give you a a huge hug and say hang in there it will be better I can promise you just at the moment it doest feel like it . Take care all my love Dido xxxxxx

hi jma28 ,

i truly feel the hurt you must be feeling ive had my share of problems and i can relate to the loneliness and helplessness you maybe feeling towards the future i to feel like that i know its a cliche but time is the only thing which will help any of us move forward as for me i am stuck in a nightmare situation living with someone i still love who dosent love me until the insolvency service sell our house.

i hope you start to feel a little better asap.

regards

glen

Hi Jma

Your situation is very similar to mine, just that I am over a year further down the line. I found out my wife's affair in July 2007, we separated in early 2008 whe she moved out and left me with the children (she had them about a third of the time) and still wanted me to pay child maintenance above CSA levels (which I foolishly did for a while!). She went on holiday with her new boyfriend when there still seemed a chance of reconciliation.

It is a difficult journey, it never stops hurting as decent people cannot simply wipe out a long term marriage.....those who have the affairs may seem to be able to! What you do is to come up with ways to ease the pain, trying new things, making new friends, building new memories. Most importantly do things for you!

Also remember he is not going to say he is not happy - that doesn't mean he is! My stbx has been so nasty and hateful I know she cannot really be happy with her new life - of course everything is my fault!

Take care

S

It will stop hurting when you are able to stop focusing on how hurt and betrayed you feel and move on with your life.

My ex left me nearly 11 months ago to live with another woman and her two small children. We had been together 31 years.

I cried a small ocean. It seemed desperately unfair that he had someone when I was so lonely and needed comfort.

But you know what - I don't need anyone to be happy. I am free to do what I want. Now I am happy (most of the time) I don't care whether my ex is happy, miserable or anything else. He doesn't have the power to hurt me any more.

This may seem hard to believe as you are hurting, but you will get to be happy again honestly.

Try not to feel betrayed by your daughter - she needs her father too. Don't let her feel torn between you.

And don't smash any more wineglasses, they make a mess. Punch a cushion instead.

Hi, I wish I could tell you that, Ive been separated since January and the pain of what happened between my husband and I doesn't go away.

Im starting to wonder where it all went horribly wrong. I keep going back to June '07 and wondered was this the start of our problems but to be honest I'm not sure. God I would hate to think it went on longer than that.

He blamed me for working nights but when I explained to him that running two cars, a motorcycle and a having a static van, took quite a bit of money, that was his replied 'you work nights', so that was the only thing he could get me on and what a lame excuse that was.

However, as time has gone by, it doesn't get any easier. Im struggling financially but then I've not got the constant worry of what might happen next.

When I see him now and I look at him and say to myself, why oh why did you do all them things to us and I wonder if he'll ever forgive himself for breaking up the happy home!

hi NoRegretsNell ,

i have to salute you for your shear courage and grit i a man and i feel like a total wimp compared to you to be with someone that long and just move on like that i cant imagine how focused you must be.I am truly pleased for you that youve done this and are an inspiration to many especially myself.

best regards

toto1978