Hello

I have been married for 17 years, have two children aged 8 & 10
There is a small mortgage on the FH.

I need to get out of the marriage but don’t know what would be the best strategy.

My stbx is petty, selfish, vindictive and spiteful, emotionally he is a very spoilt 12 year old. Unfortunately he can be a ‘charmer’ which gives a very different impression of him to many people. Of course he is only ‘charming’ when he is doing what he wants, where he wants, with whom he wants – these times rarely involve the children, though he can be nice to me, if we are doing exactly what he wants etc. He is a great one for telling everyone how much he enjoys spending quality time with the children. I’m sure all his mates at the endless football matches, concerts, pubs and train spotting events he goes to think he is a great family man (just hope they ask where his family are!)

Anyway it came to a head quite literally for me in 2007 and I developed Depression. He pushed me over the edge by his vile behaviour in the build up to my brother’s wedding. He married in a foreign country and stbx really resented the cost of attending and made my life hell in the build up. When we got there he was very happy to be there! I fell apart.

I am currently on my second set of counselling. I have found some good emotional support and got myself off the anti-depressants. My therapist has said I should get out of the relationship as it would be best for me and the children. I desperately want to get out but know how vile he will be, what I would like is an idea of some of the options and implications.

My preferred method would be for him to move out initially and for me and the children to sell up and move on in the future. How do I get him out? Can I change the locks one day and leave his things in bin bags outside for instance?

I have been to CAB and can see that I could move in to rented and get some support or I could move back in with Mum and Dad in the short term.

If as I suspect I will have to move out, just to get away from him. How will I claim my share of the family home for me and the children?

Thank you for reading this.

WhiteFeather,

Welcome to Wiki - sorry you find yourself here but I hope it will make a difference.

Only you know whether your marriage can be saved - it is your decision to end it and not your therapist's.

If you really think it is beyond salvation, then you do need to think about your options. Again, you are the only person who can reasonably predict how your hudband will react - but from what you say it does not sund like he would make thigs easy for you.

There are two children to consider - and if at all possible they should not be made to suffer. You will need to agree arrangements for them to spend time with him .. and try not to get drawn into arguments over them if you can.

Unfortunately you cannot just lock him out of the house and dump his stuff - you both have a right to stay in the FMH while things are sorted out.

If you do move out with the children, you will need to make sure you have registered your matrimonial home rights with the Land Registry.

As far as divorce goes, you could petition on Unreasonable Behaviour grounds or your could wait two years and divorce with consent - or 5 years and divorce without it. Have a look in the wiki library - there is lots of useful info there.

The finances and the divorce are separate. What is considered when the finances are settled is set out in Section 25 of the 1973 Matrimonial Causes Act.

You cannot have a legally binding financial settlement until you have reached the Decree Nisi stage - but you can apply for maintenance pending suit - and he will have to pay child maintenance - via the CSA if necessary. It would be 20% of net income for 2 children - but may vary depending on the arrangement for them.

The financial settlement will depend on the S25 MCA factors and on how much money you actually have between you .. including pensions etc.

You can post financial information on the forum and wikipeeps will work out what they think is fair ...

Ages

Length of marriage (+ cohabit)

Incomes

Value of FMH

Size of FMH

Outstanding mortgage on FMH

Value of other assets - inc Pensions (CETV if you have it),
savings,
endowments,
antiques etc -

in sole or joint names

Any liabilities - debts, loans etc.

Getting him to agree is another matter. If he is going to be awkward, you may have to fast track through the courts to get a judge to tell him what is fair ... and don't waste money on exchanging letters via solicitors about petty stuff -- rise above it!

You can self rep initially - wiki can help. That way you can save your cash for when you really need legal representation - if you get to a Final Hearing without settling ...

Good luck, keep posting - and pop into chat if you need cheering up.

Hadenoughnow