A week has gone by and time for introduction

I signed up to this site about a week ago but have been a bit all over the shop to put something down about what is happening.

For the past two years I believed husband and I were getting ourselves ready to try for a baby. We have had a good relationship and have been together for the past 9 1/2 years but we have also had some really rocky moments too. I thought we had addressed these and had moved on. Towards the end of last year I started to get deeply frustrated in that we were not falling pregnant and maybe a bit obsessive too. I didn't always feel his commitment was there. At the beginning of this year I got us started on the road to fertility. We were supposed to have had our fist appointment at the hospital on the 18th May but this was not to be cause 4 weeks before that he didn't ever want children and that he didn't love me as a wife but as a friend. He wanted to do right by me and didn't want to see me destitute. I asked him to consider counselling but he was adament that counselling wouldnt do anything. Later in the week he changed his mind. His way of dealing with horrid issues like this is to go out drinking and staying out till all hours of the early morning and then waking me up when he comes home. This aggravates the situation.

We have been to 2 counselling sessions and the fist assessment session was good but the second was awful. He has asked me to choose between him or having children but does nothing to improve the relationship and make giving up a passion and dream worthwhile.

I am still hanging on even after all of this cause I love him and have also considered giving up children. I have given him a list of things I would want to have improved in our relationship but this has just made him upset cause he feels by doing this I am tit for tatting him but doesn't look at the bigger picture. 5 years ago we had a similar situation that he didn't talk to me and then lumped on me that he didn't want to be married to me any more.

He keeps telling me he wants us to try to do the split as amicably as possible and without solicitors but I am not sure. He has been very changeble through all of this in what he says. Even told me at one point that he has to change what he says cause I hang on his every word. Has anyone ever managed to do this amicably even when one party feels they have been very betrayed?

I fully admit that there have been some really fundamental things that have been wrong between us and that I am not always easy but then neither is he. Sorry this may seem really garbled but so much has happend that I could just write for Africa but am trying to condense it as much as possible and still make some sort of sense.

Sorry you have found yourself in this sad situation.

I used to try to make sense of what my ex said, but once I started judging his feelings by what he did (ie stay out and get drunk, forget to book a table for my birthday even though he asked where I wanted to go, ignore me when we went out together) it was easy to decide what to do about our relationship.

Having or not having children is a life-changing decision and you both need to be happy with what you jointly decide.

Perhaps your husband is not as committed to the relationship as you had hoped. Maybe he is unable to do what you would like.

You say he isn't doing anything to make choosing him over having children worthwhile - but the point is, you clearly aren't thinking he is worthwhile at the moment. You can't make someone else change, you can only change yourself.

So how important is having children to you? How important is your marriage? Would you be able to commit to your husband or is the lack of children and the issues you have already had going to prevent your marriage from working?