ME AND MY DILEMMA

hello Folks,
I stumbled across this web site and i am really glad i did, from what i have seen so far its a very informative site with lots of info that i have been trying to get answers to, or just plain old support.
I hurt like hell, my health has deteriorated and i basically feel like someone who has been cast off, rejected like a tooth with an abcess but expected to hide his secrets in order for the marriage to carry on. I cannot live with the knowledge of what he has done in the past nor what he continues to do via the internet. I also suspect he may be making eyes at a woman in his club as i have seen some flirty texts.

I have seen him through some awful times with his business and stood by him through thick and thin, he was my soul mate and for over 30 years of marriage i never in a million years knew he had this attraction to men dressing in women's clothes. Our marriage has just become a type of mother son relationship which he would not even think along those lines that it has. Our personal life was second to none, very loving and affectionate.

Without going into gory details, i have now reached the end of my tether after finally confronting my husband in Sept 2007 about his liasons with crossdressers and his attraction to tranvestities, visiting online chat rooms and basically indulging himself in Internet Porn of various degrees which i have recorded with the help of special software, just to verify that that was what he was up to. I know his every move in the computer. Only because of this was i able to get him to admit his activities outside our marriage.

We have a row, he lies low for a while and always goes back on the net, seeking out these sites and i do believe he may have just got cleverer at meeting men for sex but not too sure on that at the moment.

We both have had counselling, me more than him and i am still having counselling. for him he just went through the motions for peace and quiet. He has not kept his promises to me and i have given him final ultimatums in the past. Now is the time i need to act on them which breaks my heart as i feel so rejected and betrayed and the grief of what if feel for my lost wonderful marriage knows no boundaries. My health has suffered enormously.

My problem is now knowing how i get a separation and him out of the house. I will still need financial support as i only receive Incapacity benefit and a small pension (I am early retired being 55).
I am happy to goes halves on the house but do not nor want to move out, provided he maintains it as he is a builder. I need my space and for him to feel the serious consequenses of his behaviour and that it is totally unacceptable in our marriage and he should not make me bear the secret of his pervy life.

he has landed me with the responsibility of keeping quiet about his outside liasons as his friends and family would be horrified if they knew what he has been up to. He dared to say i threatened him with telling his family and friends, when in actual fact i was reminding him of the position he had landed me in again.

I need to know the answers of
1. how to separate without too much cost,
2. how i can reasonably get him out of the house
3. Will i still be entitled to some of his fathers estate as i am still named in his will.
4. What maintenence can i expect as he can and does earn a lot more money than i ever could. My income is fixed and not a lot.
5. I am not wanting a divorce at the moment but may consider it later.
6. My husband has not made any pension arrangements for when he retires, relying on state pension. Where do i stand on that.

I am totally devastated with grief at how he has betrayed my trust and loyalty but expects me to carry on as normal. I find it very stressful as i go through many highs and lows.

We can and do have days we get on and we do do some things together, but we each have our own interests.

Sorry for the long windedness of this.

localgirl53

Hallo Localgirl and welcome to Wikivorce the site none of us wanted to find but which is very helpful and supportive

I will attempt to give some answers here. I understand that you feel hurt and betrayed by your husband and want him to face up to what he has done - but he may never do so and you need to rebuild your life without expecting that.

Your questions

1. how to separate without too much cost

The thing that costs is parties arguing about things. If you and your husband can agree on how to divide your stuff etc it will be much cheaper. Once you get solicitors involved the bills mount up.

2. how i can reasonably get him out of the house

You can't. It is his home too. There is such a thing as an occupancy order I think, but I don't think its easy to obtain.

3. Will i still be entitled to some of his fathers estate as i am still named in his will.

If your father in law is still alive he may change his will. If he isn't what he bequeathed to you will stand.


4. What maintenence can i expect as he can and does earn a lot more money than i ever could. My income is fixed and not a lot.

Hard to say without information about his income, your income and both your outgoings. I assume that the likelihood of you working in the future is negligible.

5. I am not wanting a divorce at the moment but may consider it later.

That isn't a question. But if you want spousal maintenance from your husband you may need to divorce to obtain it.


6. My husband has not made any pension arrangements for when he retires, relying on state pension. Where do i stand on that.

If he has no pension you cannot claim it. However, his contributions to the state pension can be used to boost your own state pension.

www.pensionsadvisoryservice.org.uk/women...basic_state_pension/

has more details.

Hello Noregrets,
Firstly many thanks for your reply it was very helpful and i will read it again and again and try to take it all in.
I see you are a family history 'freak' as you called yourself... well ditto, i used to be group leader of our local group and now, due to all this stress, i am just on the committee for the time being.
I am finding things seem to be slowly getting worse. I now think he is drifing off to someone else,as he gets no attention from me, as i have now found some interesting texts on his phone and i know this woman is single, young and goes to his dive club. She is only a social member though and not a diver, but never the less he has made some flirty remarks to her and i do believe he is trying to sort out a day out with her to a place i don't enjoy. I am at the end of my tether and do not know if i can hold out until after our sons wedding in August to get all this sorted once and for all.
i just can't believe he has totally left me emotionally for sex with men and now turning possibly to another woman.
Sorry to sound off but i need an outlet as its all getting to me.

Thanks again for your advice

A relationship breakup is very difficult and the bit before you actually separate is very tricky.

I had to carry on as normal when I knew my husband was leaving, as our son was doing his GCSEs. It was horrible.

Once he'd left it was also very painful but I am much happier now.

Try to focus on you and your future rather than your husband and what he is doing. It will help.

Thank you, its so hard and so depressing. I haven't felt happy for years now and our marriage has really been falling apart since before 2003 when his attraction to Crossdressers etc started taking a hold. I think he is flirting with a younger woman now and seems to be making some sort of arrangement for a day out to Alton Towers, where he knows i won't go as i hate those rides. Think i will go along with not knowing about it and let him think he's having a day out on his own then invite myself last minute!!... That'll bugger up his day good style. I have 6th sense about things and i am getting it again now.
If that is the case then it will be a divorse for sure. I won't allow him to betray me again ever.
Thanks for replying