Confused, hurt but having to move on

Hi there everyone, I never thought I would ever be writing on any forum, let alone a divorce forum. I don't know where to start as the last 7 months have been 'unreal'. My life has turned into a rollercoaster ride, but I don't know when I'm going to hit the bottom...

I don't know what to say or how to say it... I'm still in shock and so hurt. The crying has reduced a lot as I know I have to be strong for my children, and myself. But I still don't understand why I'm 'here'.

I have just filed for divorce on the grounds of adultery and have had to issue a court order for my husband to complete form E as he has failed to produce financial details and has, basically, pulled out of mediation after 2 sessions. He left in December 2008 and hasn't seen or spoken to our 2 daughters since then. The only communication has been by text or email, and that has been sporadic. He has only seen me and spoken to me at these mediation appointments.

To start at the beginning, we have been married for 23 years. We met at university and married at 23. He has been the only person I have ever loved. He was the perfect husband and father, loving, silly, close, generous. The perfect family..or so I thought . However, last October I found out he'd been having an affair since January. With a beauty therapist he'd met on his commute to London. She was going through/or had recently gone through a divorce (I dont know which know, as I don't know how many other lies he has told me). She has 2 older boys , was 'mentally abused' by her husband and self harmed when her husband left her. All this was told to me when the affair was exposed by me seeing text messages she'd sent to him whilst we were on a family half term holiday in October.

I really wanted to things out and work through what he thought was wrong with our marriage. He knew how I abhored anyone who'd had an affair and assumed I would just walk away from him. But I still loved him. I was hurting so much but just wanted him to make things better. He said that he would finish with her as he'd seen how his actions had hurt me and the girls (they found out as we were on holiday in a small apartment).However, I realise now that he didn't really want to try.

We tried to talk things through. But all the time I knew he wasn't completely opening up. He said that she was an escape, that their convsation was banal etc.... that she wasn't educated like me, but that she was well mannered and well spoken. That she had long blond hair, wore a lot of make up, that I wouldn't like her but that she didn't have any baggage! I still don't understand what he meant. She is a divorcee, with children and self harms.

Anyway, since he left it's all got horrible. He left saying he had no agenda. However, within 2 weeks of leaving he was renting a house in her town, at over £2,000 per month and he finally admitted he was seeing her again. At mediation, he has confirmed that she lives with him and her 2 children live there part time.


Via solicitors letters he has insisted I sell our family home, that I get a job, that he won't pay solicitors bills, household bills, etc. I don't work as I gave up my carrier to look after the children, homa and to support my husband in his demading job in London. Now he says all the money is his.

It's as if he wishes I didn't exist.

Regarding the children, I know he loves them but he seems to have lost the plot entirely. They are hurt and angry. He has never even apologised to them. I don't think his pride would let him. They don't want to see him. I'm not stopping them. However, he doesn't seem to know how to approach them. He texts occassionaly, saying how he misses them. But he doesn't engage with them: he doesn't ask what they are doing, how they are etc. Now the texts just seem to revolve around money. What he can bribe them with etc.

Things got worse last week as he texted them very late, after 11 in evening ( girls are 10 and 12) saying that I was bitter and totally twisted, that I was not normal and haven't been normal for quite some time, that I was not a balanced person, that I was totally unbalanced etc. How could he text this to his children? I have been looking after them solely since December. I have had to deal with their pain, hurt, anger whilst, at the same time, try to deal with my own emotions. I've got them to school every day and had to keep the house running 'normally', whilst struggling with my own pain. To text the girls such hurtful comments is beyond belief. What has happened to the man I have loved and trusted?

Will stop now before I bore you all to death!!!!!! xxx

I'm a newbie on here too, and have already found some great advice. Have a hug.

Ellen,

Welcome to wiki. Sorry you find yourself here but I hope it will help.

Unfortunately it is all too common that when a stbx starts a news relationship, things change as far as what they have said they will agreee to re the finances.

The important thing (and I know this is hard) is to separate emotions from money. He should not be dragging the children into this - they are little kids and it is not their fault that your marriage has not worked - whatever the reasons may be. They need reassurance that mum and dad still love them even if things haven't worked between them. Sadly not every parent is able to be that grown up . Many absent parents do find it very hard to communicate with their children - my ex is one and does not see the children . Unfortunately you cannot make him a different person - but you do have to try not to badmouth him to the children no matter how upset you are about his behaviour. I know only too well how hard it is to deal with the children's emotions when you yourself are in bits .. Have a ((((hug)))) from me.

It may be worth seeing if the school has a counselling service?

Now on to practical matters: What he is demanding - and what will happen - are two different things.

Have a look at Section 25 of the 1973 Matrimonial Causes Act. This sets out what is considered when finances are sorted on divorce. It is first about NEEDS .... especially the housing needs of the PWC (parent with care) and the children.

If you would like wikipeeps to give you an idea of what a fair financial settlement could be, you will need to post some information about the finances.

Ages

Length of marriage (+ cohabit)

Incomes

Value of FMH

Size of FMH

Outstanding mortgage on FMH

Value of other assets - inc Pensions (CETV if you have it),
savings,
endowments,
antiques etc -

in sole or joint names

Any liabilities - debts, loans etc.

Hadenoughnow

Silvergirl, thank u for your reply. Hope u doing ok.

Thank you for your advise and help. Am determined not to badmouth him to the girls. How they feel about him is as a result of his own actions, responses etc. Thanks for financial advise. He holds all the cards as he's the breadwinner and I'm the housewife. But gave up career to support family and his, very successful, career. Have to trust in my solicitor. Have to take one week at a time and deal with one situation at a time.

Thanks, Ellen

Ellen

Sorry to hear about your situation.

My wife decided she wanted out of our 18 year marriage and had an affair with a guy who had no kids and no responsibilities. I found out about her affair by reading a text message whilst on a family holiday in 2007 so I know how it feels.

Stay strong for the girls and for you, and just make sure you don't expect him to be reasonable. If he becomes like my wife did, he will be very nasty and selfish and say and do hurtful things. The person you married and loved will have disappeared and transferred his feelings to the new person.

With help and support from family and friends, and from the people on here you will come out of it with a new life.

Take care

S

Hi I too am new to this forum. My husband left me 3 months ago, having met someone else who was and is everything I am not. He said he did not feel wanted or loved in our marriage. We were married for 20 years and have 2 kids. I did everything for him and I felt at times he took me for granted. I have suspected over the years that he had affairs but never had any proof, until 3 years ago when the woman he was seeing sat outside my home, intending to confront me about my husband as he had told her it was over. She later followed me to my parents home, and told me about the affair. I gave him another chance and we were happy enough or so I thought. I was absolutely devastated 3 months ago, when an anonymous letter was sent to my sister and myself , from the woman who claims to have been his mistress for 15 years. However, he had already began yet another relationship and this and the added fact that her husband found out, was the push he needed to leave our marriage behind. He claims this is the relationship he always wanted. His relationship with his children has never been good, he is too selfish a man to give his time and emotions to his children or his wife. His contact with the kids is sporadic at best, and all of a sudden he loves them and misses them. I am finding it hard not to bad mouth him in front of the children, especially as they do not want to spend time with him. He has asked me to keep this latest affair quiet for the "sake of the children", but I realise it is purely to make him look better, and he intends to tell our friends he met her after he left. I really need someone to confide in, I spend so much of my time in tears [not in front of the children, and have contemplated speaking to my sister, but does this now make me look like a vindictive bitch, and will it only make it more difficult to communicate in the future? I want to walk away, but I loved him, and part of me still loves him, and for some reason I still feel some loyalty towards him. I can see no end in sight for the way I feel, and the future on my own frightens me to death. Financially, I cannot say a bad word about him, as he has told me I can have the house for me and the children. Whether he will keep this promise remains to be seen