Help required ...... please!

I am presently in a relationship that has me on my knees at least once or twice a week, begging to be released. It is not that there is anything particularly wrong with us, taht i am aware of anyway, i just cannot live and reside with my partner any more. we have been married for over 12 years.
The whole situation is tearing me apart and making me a bad father to my two young children. I feel animosity, anger and many other emotions every night that i enter the house. I am not like some and escape to the local bar to drown my sorrows, but i cannot keep living like this. i am irratible, moody and often too stressed out by the whole situation.
i work away a far amount on business which has always helped me to be more stable, but i am realisiong more and more each day that i am not in this relationship for me, but simply for my children.
i cant help but think that the situation will only get better if my wife and i are not together. i anm having difficulty in believing that i ever truly loved her as she needs to be loved, but as the mother of my children i cannot say taht to her.
But where do you start? we, like most have had our ups and downs and come close to a mutual separation before, but got it back on track. But this time, i just cant see that change will make any difference.
i have thought about adultery, as bad as that sounds just to get the process underway, but i do not want to do taht too her, as her first husband did that to her. But i do not know what to do or where to start.
I need help and i dont know where to turn!
Has anybody got any advise?

LTL

Firstly, you've come to the right place --- welcome to WikiV.

Secondly, everyone deserves to be happy in this life, and you're obviously not. You sound like a good man, thinking about your children and about not hurting your wife by going down the adultery route.

In my mind, you have to sit her down and explain to her how you are feeling, tell her simply and tell her the truth, because nothing hurts more than not knowing why it all went wrong (my stbx still hasn't actually told me 9 months down the line), then if you still want to go through with a divorce, I would suggest 'unreasonable behaviour' as you can pretty much give reasons that don't personally attack your wife - ie. have lived seperate social lives etc etc....

hope this helps - I'm sure plenty of others here shall give you their take on it and give you further words...

take care

dd

You havent mentioned why you are angry or upset. Is it something she does or says? Is she behaving unreasonably? Possibly she feels the same..angry and frustrated. Have you tried talking to her yourself about how you can solve whatever issues youve got?
If things are not to bad please try counselling. This may help both of you to understand each other better.
Hope that helps..

dd

Thnx for the wise words. I appreciate your thoughts and wisdom on this subject. i have been trying to work out the way to express it, as it will never come out right anyway, but i am struggling to find a place to start. Once i start however, i do not think i will shut up.

Thnx again

LTL

Hi Ssoria

We have had our momrnts over the years where we have both felt angry, frustrated and upset, and always managed to get back to a certain level. I do not necessarily know if it something taht she says or does taht has caused this to happen. I think taht it has just come to that stage in life where i have realised that the love i had for her has gone. How do you tell someone that you don't love them anymore, or maybe never truly did?

If i think about things that i think that is wrong, i am sure taht they are not the same as she would think, but also they all seem trivial in the cold light of day. But all together, they are powerful enough to make me want out of our lives together. Things taht i think are wrong, would include;

we both work, me full time stressful job, her part time (20 Hrs)and occassionally a stressful job ......... i will end up coming home from work and tidying the house, or playing taxi service for the kids or having to work, whilst she is happy to sit down and dish out orders and watch tv, especially if she has cooked.
she will spend money that we dont have, regardless of whether or not we have discussed about not having things. granted it is not always much, but it is unnecessary. Talking about it lasts for all of a week.
i am made to feel guilty if i need any money, and i have to ask to have some if i need anything.
although we sleep in the same bed, we have had no intimate relationship for about 4 months now at least.

As you can see they are not serious problems, but when coupled together are turning me into a grouch, moody person who is not nice to be around. I am literally the doormat. I cannot keep being the way i am. I do not like who i am becoming. I cannot have my children on 'tender hooks' wondering if they should talk to me (ie am i in a good mood).

Maybe the problem is just totally me. But whatever, i am damaging my children and i cant continue to do taht.

In respect of counselling, i think this is always a good idea, and i know she will suggest it when we have our talk. But i believe i am beyond that now, i can no longer say that i love her, and that hurts, but its the truth.

Thnx for your help and advise.
LTL

Oh Lesson, enduring my own nightmare at the moment and reading your post just tipped me over the edge and the tears are rolling.

I think it would be safe to say that I was in your wife's shoes so whilst my opinion might not be easy to read its given with best intentions and to try and help you in the situation you find yourself.

You certainly need to tell you wife, preferably face to face via a mediator/counsellor if necessary but she needs to know how you feel and why you feel that way in order for her to have acceptance and closure if that is indeed they way matters head.

Most mediators and counsellors would say the vast majority of their clients seek help "too late." However I believe you owe it to your wife and children to at least try and enter into mediation/counselling which not only helps keep relationships together but can also be very helpful in negotiating the ending of relationships.

Unlike my ex you don't sound uncaring towards your wife albeit that right now you know deep inside you don't love her the way you perhaps used to and the fact you say "if ever" hints that there is something within this relationship that has never quite sat right with you.

Divorce and separation doesn't necessarily mean pain and suffering I do realise that but my own experience is that it is unbearable in its pain and suffering and no matter how hard you try to make life "normal" for the children it will never ben "normal" if you and your wife part. The "normal" will become "different" and the difference invariably means pain emotionally and physically as one home splits into two and the cost of maintaining two homes becomes an issue.

Little things you may possibly take for granted right now will become huge whopping issues unless you deal with it now. It won't be easy and your wife will, if like me she has no idea of how you really feel, will be devastated and most probably very very angry and upset.

Please seek out counselling/mediation now, remain honest and focused and I truly pray you find the solution that is in the best interests of all your family be it divorce or indeed a new beginning of a life already in place.

God bless

Jeannie

Hi Jeannie
Thnx for your post. I am welcoming all offers of support, whether they are good or bad, or even what i want to hear.

I am sorry to hear that your situation is not good, and please accept my apologises for making the tears roll.

I am no longer sure what is right and wrong in my world, but i know that i love my children and whilst i do not want to see them go without anything like i had too, i also cannot stand the prospect of having no relationship with them. They are my world.

I am presently away from my home at this moment on company buisness which is giving me time to think about my actions, and what i need to do.

Thank you again for your post.
Good luck
LTL