I'm a male, 36 years old. I met the love of my life 3 years ago in April of 2006. We moved fast and were married in July 2007.
I have (had) an addiction most people aren't familiar with, online gaming, specifically Everquest and World of Warcraft. I was not gaming when I met C (my wife). We bought a computer in early 2008 and I picked up gaming again. It started slow but slowly I went into a zone of gaming that was detrimental to our relationship.
I would constantly play. I still worked, but when I was not working, I was on the computer.
C is such an amazing woman. She is a Vegan-vegetarian and lives extremely simple. I was not a tech-head but I do like having some gadgets. Slowly I began taking on her traits; eating habits.
We could have the most philosophical conversations, we both believed the same things.
My fault is the gaming. I played for a year, and have not been back since 4 weeks ago this Friday. I won't go in to detail, I tend to write forever, so I am trying to keep this minimal as is.
There was no drugs-alcohol-violence in our marriage. My failure was neglect. I didn't give her what she needed, I was tuned to the game. She felt detached and unloved I am sure.
She never told me to quit, that's how loving she was. She took it for a long time, never trying to stray me from my habit. slowly she deteriorated, I know these things now because they have come to light. I'm sure I could have seen them earlier, but I was too involved in the gaming.
I've quit gaming before, because I had to. When this came to a head, I quit voluntarily, and actually WANTED to quit.
C left me 3 weeks ago. The night she left was pure hell for me. Everything I had done flashed before my eyes. I was filled with regret, hatred for myself, and loss for her leaving.
I supported her leaving, I didn;t argue. we agreed we needed to separate and I would get help for my addiction. It turns out I don't need help for my addiction, I saught help to deal with the emotional trauma I have inflicted on myself.
All my life I have been self centered and never realized it. My therapist said I had a "life epiphany" the weekend that C left. EVERYTHING came in to focus in what seemed like a moment. I suddenly saw myself from the outside and realized what I had done.
While gaming we still talked, we still slept together in the same bed. We still did normal things. But there was no quality time.
Since C left I have been crying everyday, almost every hour. when you look back at 36 years of your life, and hate yourself for your actions, it hits hard.
I picked myself up. I told myself I was going to become a better man. C and I have talked since she left, we even went on a couple dates one weekend. We had decided to date and try to re-establish the connection that was lost. I so much admire her for her strength. She said she needed time to heal herself. I agree wholeheartedly. I have been being a little pushy to spend time with her. With all these new feelings and the new outlook on life, I want nothing but to love her and cherish her. but she needs time, so I am trying to cope.
When we went on the dates, C told me I seemed like a new person. I feel like a new person. She was impressed and we had a fantastic weekend.
She is slipping now, withdrawing back in to her world. I decided to pull back and give her space...let her contact me when she is ready. It is so so hard. I keep telling myself she needs to be happy with herself before she can be happy with me again.
When we do see each other, idle meets where I may drop something of her's off, she seems very distant and superficial. Have I done un-repairable damage? Is she seeing someone else? These things come to my head when I see her like this.
She has her own place now, and she has said she doesn't want me coming by un-announced, calling all the time ect. I am really trying to block the thoughts of someone else out, but for some reason I can't.
We took our rings off. I made the suggestion. I told her we could date slowly, and if in 2 months on our anniversary we felt the love again, I would propose.
She said she wanted counseling when she left, but she has yet to do anything in that area. I have had 4 sessions already. From what she tells me, she is just living in her new place, which she loves, and spending a lot of time with her friends, something she never did before.
My situation may pale to some peoples', but I cannot express how much emotional turmoil I am in. I cannot eat well, I cannot sleep well, my face is constantly in a state of almost crying (that feeling you get just before you tear up, I feel it constantly).
My stomach is consistently knotted up. It is not all because of C, it's because I have so much regret for everything in life. I am Agnostic, I do not believe in any form of afterlife...this is it, and I have wasted 36 years.
I go now outside just to smell the air, ride my bicycle. I enjoy the birds. It's like I have been reborn, but the person I now love and want to cherish, is not here.
I shunned off all my friends for the gaming years ago, I have none. I sit alone in my apartment and cry. She seems to be enjoying life, except when I am around at the moment.
We have no children, I am not able to have children. We were both ok with that. I have my 8 year old German Shephard, whom I love dearly. But now I am faced with having to move. I can't stay in this place, EVERYTHING reminds me of her, and reminds me of how I neglected her. I can't stand coming home.
I'm facing moving out basically with half the budget I used to have, and I don't think I can afford a place that will take my daughter, my dog. No family or friends can take her, so I will lose not only my wife, but my only daughter (I don't care if she has four legs, I love her).
I could go on and on, I just need help with coping. I cannot afford any more therapy sessions. I have no insurance at my job, and even at $50 it's killing me.
I feel as though I deserve what I get, but I have to admit, I would not wish this constant turmoil on anyone.
Thank you for reading this, I know it's long, but I have so much inside of me I have to let it out.
