Is there any win in this for me

Hi, Ive stumbled across this by chance and already feel less isolated. Mine has been a long relationship - how this phrase has come back to haunt me- over 25years, 3 'children' one has graduated but is now back home, one planning to have gap year before uni. and one with one more year in sixth form before uni. After much anguish, I have begun proceedings from my emotionally, verbally and mentally abusive and alcholic husband. Over the last fifteen years life has bcome unbearable. I have been the worker, bill payer, home maker, protector for the family - the lot. He has not worked, paid nothing, used a substantial inheritance for his own pleasure. Now I find that at last having the strength to leave, he will be allowed by the legal system to take even more . It all seems so unfair and here I am again unable to do anything about it- He even is refusing to consider how the children are supported just because they are over 18 they still need help. I am a teacher mid fifties so close to retirement - a good pension and good equity in the house If he gets half of everything I have so few years left to make up the disparity. How does anyone come to terms with this?

tenyearstoolate,

Welcome to wikivorce - glad it is already helping... your post asks "is there any win in this for me?". I would say yes. It may not be a financial one - but you will have your freedom. You can be the person you want to be and no longer at the mercy of someone else's addiction ... it is a great feeling believe me!

As far as the divorce goes, you have come up against the problem that both men and women face when they are the main breadwinners and where one party does not work .... In your case it seems doubly unfair because you (like others on this site - including me) have worked your socks off to support your family and hold things together when, if you had been selfish - or if you had not been so ground down by it all - you could have walked away years ago .....

Alcoholism is very difficult to live with - even harder when children are involved. You have done well to survive it without going under yourself - and it sounds like your children are doing OK too.

Now to the difficult bit, the money. The hard fact is, as you have found out, that as you were married for such a long time, he cannot walk away with nothing - even though what he will have is the proceeds of YOUR hard work. Unfortunately (as I have found out) being an alcoholic who chooses drink over work is not counted as a conduct issue when the finances are sorted - although I believe judges are reluctant to see large sums of cash handed over to know alcoholics if there is no obvious need for it (ie to buy a property).

Everything you have - both jointly and in sole names - needs to go into a pot for division. Your needs will be looked at first ... and if there is anough to meet those needs, other things like contributions may be considered. (Look at Section 25 of the 1973 Matriminial Causes Act) It may not necessarily be a 50:50 split - although this is considered the start point after such a long marriage ..

There is precedent for you having a property big enough to provide a bedroom each for the children who are university .. Is he currently in the FMH with them? Where are you living?

You say he does not work ... could he? Or is he medically unable to? Does he get benefits? If he is perfectly capable of work, then he would be expected to get a job.

As far as pensions go, you could end up with a pension share - or you could offset the pension against other assets. There is a good section on pensions in the wiki library.

If you would like wikipeeps to take a look at what a fair settlement could be in your case, you would need to share some financial details.

Ages
Length of marriage
Children - ages - and arrangements for them
Incomes
Value of FMH
Mortgage on FMH
Size of FMH

Any other assets - savings, endowment policies, valuables etc in sole or joint names

Pensions: CETVs if you have them

Try not to get too angry about the money ... it is only cash after all. You will have something much more valuable at the end of all this - your sanity... and your freedom .

Hadenoughnow

Hi,
Thanks for your swift and so empathetic response. Perhaps down the line when I appreciate the sense of freedom you refer to I will be more balanced but now I am still caught in this madness of wanting to protest all the time about the discrepancy between outcomes which are legal or just. I used to think the two were synonymous - more fool me!

I would be glad to have wikipeeps give me an idea about what to expect but am a bit anxious about putting too many details up in case my husband also uses the site and would be able to identify me - especially since it has been in the Times, which he has been known to look at, and on re reading my first post it does have some illuminating information in it. Perhaps later on. I am awaiting the CETV anyway.

I would be interested in knowing what view might be taken of my husband, if any, of squandering a large sum of money 150K with no contribution to the common good or provision for himself for a pension etc. Also I have a small 16K saving left from an inheritance - the rest used to keep the family going. Could I just pass this to the children so that at least he can't get it. Even if it is just to help my eldest son clear his uni student loan - or is that just too silly.

I am sure this last question just shows my mad state of mind.

Don't know about the legality of this, but if you gave your son the money to pay his student loan it wouldn't be available to be part of the pot, would it?