How to destroy everything......

Long post.....
First let me explain what follows is not defensible in anyway and I take full responsibility for my own actions.
I am ACOA (Adult Child of Alcoholic), I was physically and sexually abused as a child/teenager by both Men and Women. My earliest memory of my Mum and Dad is still to this day asking( shouting at) my Dad to stop hitting my Mum.

I have spent my life avoiding true emotional attachment with a number of significant partners, always walking away when I felt it wasn't right.
Until I met my present wife, who was at that time married..we worked together for about 6 years with nothing going on.
She then split with her Husband and someone at work suggested I ask her out for a drink. Things developed from there and we ended up getting married I believed she was the one I had been waiting for.
We did struggle sometimes with differing views and verbal conflict but in general things were pretty good (both of us have strong personalities/views).
So I now have a step-daughter 6 and our own daughter 1 ( in 1995) and a wife. Great:cheer:
We relocate across the country, I move jobs a couple of time over the next 14 years...change jobs to be home more as I was away a lot...so now working from home.

Things start to go wrong with arguments getting more heated.
The eldest daughter going off the rails doing cannabis,drink etc at 14. Me becoming more controlling of her to keep her on the right track.

My W father died of cirrhosis of the liver long story as he was in Spain at the time air ambulance etc protracted death..not an easy thing to cope with..I don't think she ever really grieved or got chance to (another story)

The arguments get more heated..and stray into violence...Police called and removed me from premises..and I got the scars from that one...


Recently the arguments/fights become predictable late at night, usually Saturday, I've had a few drinks ( couple of beers, bottle of wine) I'm tired ( no knackered been working on house/garden all day) and W has had a drink or two...an Argument starts develops into a shouting match neither backing down..then it goes to far either she or usually I just lose it and it gets physical...damage done in just a few minutes..


I recognise this is a control thing and I don't mean the losing it...its about our expectations of each other and who says what/does what. I am trying to address this.
I have been on Anger Management and its very much an ongoing thing...I'm starting to attend a DV course along with seeking help for my "historic" problems.

But I realise that I have probably lost everything at this moment in time, I am not trying to keep what I had that is not my decision. I am trying to make sure that I am a safe person to be with 24/7 irrespective of circumstances.

That won't change what I have done or make me feel any better for what my W and my Children have seen and been through..

6 Months ago I would not have been able to be this open and certainly didn't understand myself as I do at the moment..I'm hoping to take this further and reduce my shame by clearing out the closet...

I know for certain that some wiki members will find what I have said offensive and my actions despicable.

I know I do..I am trying to do something about it
thx

Hi and welcome to wiki,

I can not see why any member of wiki will find what you have said as offensive or your actions despicable.....we are not here to judge but to give our support and you are in the right place for that.

You need to be commended on your honesty and you should be proud of yourself to have acknowledged your faults it takes someone very special to be able to look that deep within themselves and take responsibility for their actions and pluck up the courage they need to not only make their own lives better but those we love or will love. Many of us on here only hope that someday our ex will do the same.

The greatest thing about humanity is how able we are to forgive and that everyone has free will and are able if they so wish to change their lives and make themselves better people. We are all responsible for our own actions and not for the actions of others. You have so obviously embraced and excepted this and with time and perseverance you can change yourself for the better.
I truly hope that you are able to work through this and change your whole life around before its too late! You do deserve a better life but the life you will have, now stands soley in your hands. Take this as your second chance to be the person you want to be.

I wish you all the very best

Cinders xx

I think the fact that you've recognised that you have these problems and are taking steps to sort them out is to be applauded tmz. This doesn't mean that any of this is any more acceptable, as you yourself acknowledge.

In my (decidedly non-expert) opinion you need to deal with the root cause of your issues before you can solve the symptoms. Anger management is one thing, but maybe some counselling or therapy to address the damage that you have carried with you from your childhood would be worthwhile. At least to break the cycle and to minimise the things that you pass on to your children. I would think that this carries with it a fair amount of shame, blame and self-recrimination for you, and that this makes you feel worse, affects your self esteem and that this adds to the situation.

A chat with your GP would probably lead to some counselling, and maybe even some medication. It sounds like you've got a long hard road in front of you to get over these issues, but as the saying goes, The longest journey starts with a single step. I think you have to start making those steps now, and to commit to the long journey. The sooner the better for all concerned

I wish you well with it all

Thanks to Cinders and Sun,
I am following up with Relate on the "historic" issues...I want to stay off any form of medication.....whatever doesn't kill me makes me stronger...(doesn't mean to say it won't hurt though!)

I have a good group of friends who know the history and still support me...don't real friends always surprise you?
I am in truth a very lucky person to have found this forum and my friends and to be making some progress....

No negatives don't forget I only just found out I was in a tunnel nevermind the possibility of a light!
Once again thanks..much appreciated

Friends can indeed surprise you with the amount of willingly offered support tmz, as I've found.

May I ask why you want to stay off medication? Is it the stigma involved? It's just that if somethjing can help you it may well be worthwhile at least talking it over with your GP. Any help can be invaluable in times like these, and it needn't be a permanent thing

Are you staying off the booze while your Relate counselling is taking place?

Sun,
No it's not the stigma associated with drugs just a realisation that I have spent so long shutting down emotions of any kind and avoiding reality that it will probably do me good to get them all out as it were and see the world from a different perspective....and see what we have got.

I am usually a positive person after a couple of NDE's you can't help it....got to see things differently. My problem is I just get on a track that I know is only going one place and need to desperately detour it ..


Yes I will be off the booze whilst doing my Relate..it starts next week on the DV side, the week after on the marriage side to determine if we have anything left and I will be pursuing them on the counselling side ...unless someone indicates a better way eg through GP? Usually in this part of the country we get quote "don't do that in this county"......

I am also going through Books at a rate of knots..to name a few....
Violent No More
Growing yourself Back up
The Dark side of the Light Chasers
Feel the fear and do it anyway
Beating Anger
Introducing NLP
The family

Just got to get off that track..or make it lead somewhere else....

Like I said before tmz, realising it and wanting to change it is how you'll eventually get off the road you/ve been on.

Good luck and stick with it!