Trying to move on......

Hi, been separated for 9 months now and observation is when will people stop telling me it gets better! Sometimes nice to just have someone say you know what it is hard too.

I did all the things i should when she left, went to counselling and in truth worked out i had not been happy for ages, she wasn't right for me and to set "red lines" and let everything else go. Not learned to smile and be unbearably nice when she comes round but hey moving on from despising the sight of her would be nice.

One big challenge is secrecy in that I am open what I do with my son but she tells me very little which sums up much of our relationship. Custody agreement may be fun.....

I think I now have perspective but if anyone has tips on being able to smile when you see someone (for the sake of your child)would be very nice

Wharton,

People tell you that it will get better because eventually it does. Mostly people tell you this because although they have their own experiences, they really don't know what to say to you. It's a bit like bereavement, people avoid you because they don't know what to say and they don't want to say something that will upset you or make you cry (bless em)

However, there are plenty of people on this site that have reached the 'better' stage and they are living proof that we can all make it through this.

Yes it is hard, and there will be days that you will wake up and wish you hadn't. There will be times when you will lay on your bed and sob like a child, the pain inside you will be so great that you will wish that you could die just for it to go away. You will ignore paperwork that you don't understand until it turns into a monster in the corner of the living room that needs to be vanquished before it devours you.
You will smile and smile and smile until your face hurts and you just want to scream. You will pretend like everything is alright and you will get up in the morning and you will get dressed and you will continue to go through your day (albeit mechanically) until one day you will realise that you are taking pleasure from the simple things in life once more and you will smile again and it will be genuine and this will happen more and more until one day you will become one of those people who tells everyone that 'it does get better'...

regarding the learning to smile at your ex, just do it. Be the better person. You don't have to like them, you don't have to love them, but just show respect and politeness in the face of adversity. (easier said than done, but gets easier with practice).

Be gentle with yourself

Kimmi
xx

Kimmi,

Thanks, you've been peeking at my table! The paperwork is that pile or two.

Maybe good to focus on being the better person as you suggest no feelings for her needed for that.

Jonathan

J,

I have smiled and smiled and smiled until my face hurt and I wanted to scream.
I have caught my husband in the pub with another woman, he has denied me access to my home because the other woman was there. He has got drunk and taken his frustration out on me because I was not the other woman, He forced me out of my home and I ended up homeless, he has rubbed my nose in his new relationships over and over again and you know I still smile at him. WHY?? Because nothing annoys an angry adversary more than you being nice and polite and also, I don't want anything on my conscience that will get in the way of me getting a good nights sleep.

I maintain a dignified silence around him, I dont' argue with him, I don't scream, I don't shout, I just smile and walk away. I leave him wondering why. He has told friends that it really upsets him that I don't have a go at him and try to make him feel bad for his behaviour, but you see if I did, he would feel like he has paid penitence for his actions. But I will not absolve him of his guilt by giving him the telling off he needs to stop feeling guilty.

Smile honey, god knows it's hard, but just keep smiling. One day the smile will be for real.

Kimmi
xx

and yes, I know all about the two piles of paperwork that start to lurk in the living room... I have one of my own, as do most people on this site...

Kimmi,

I guess i should feel fortunate i only have secerecy, broken trust and someone else who was denied for a while but not rubbed in my face.

Very sound advice, I know asking how she was made her feel uncomfortable. Like many I look at my son who on the whole is fine and end up defending her when he is not or finding something good to say. We are much closer but still feel angry what she has done to he and I. Working (successfully at present) on our relationship which is good.

Putting smiley pictures and playing songs ("All time love", "I can see clearly now" etc.) wish i could find the answer to "Theme for mahogany" but looking here time seems to be the answer.

Thanks for your supportive comments.

J