Introducing...

Hello all, good to finally find such a useful and helpful site!

There's a bit of info about me and where I come from on my profile. Basically, my X2B is an alcoholic who was emotionally/verbally abusive to me when drunk, making me feel like I and my needs/wishes/desires were unimportant compared to his. When sober he was kind, funny, intelligent and fun to be around. Unfortunately my many attempts to get him to sort out his drinking problem fell on deaf ears and eventually I had to leave.

It's coming up to 1 1/2 years since I left now, and I'm finally at a point where I feel I can begin divorce proceedings. Before, I just wasn't financially or emotinally stable enough but now I'm ready for the tougher stuff. I'm representing myself with the help and support of friends and family, including one friend who is studying to be a lawyer with her father's legal firm.

The X2B remains an alcoholic and a problem. His response to everything is to bury his head in the sand and sing 'lalalala' until it all goes away. Unfortunately things usually just get worse with this behaviour, and it's already making things more difficult for both of us than they should be. For instance:

- Refusing to accept in the first place that he has a problem, or that he needs any sort of professional help. Being unwilling to accept that I would leave him if he didn't sort it out...

- Refusing to handle the joint debts adequately....
I had the joint account frozen just after I left him. Unfortunately regular monthly Direct Debit payments had been going out of that account for various home maintenance costs (we lived on a boat so mooring fees, insurance, loan repayments on the boat, that sort of thing). Instead of getting these monthly payments transferred to his account (he stayed on the boat, I left), the X2B had the account reinstated and ran up a debt on it when he failed to put in enough money to cover the DDs. The DDs eventually did get transferred to his account but the joint remains in debt and I'm being chased up for the money despite numerous communications both written and verbal with the collection agency. X2B refuses to communicate with them or me about it, except to insist that I pay back half the debt. Since the money is related to him staying on the boat and the debt is a result of his mis-management, and since it wouldn't have occurred at all if the account had remained frozen, I refuse to pay it. This battle is ongoing...

- Refusing to acknowledge the divorce papers...
The court sent him my application for a divorce (grounds of unreasonable behaviour) several weeks ago and he's refused to acknowledge receipt of the forms. So now I'm having to get a bailiff to serve the papers on him. Since he's never at home except to sleep, and flits from pub to pub during his free time, the only choice I have is to get the papers served on him at work. Which isn't nice for him or for me, and involves the faff of asking the judge's permission to do so...

And so on... Anyway, this is the position I'm in now, trying to sort out the divorce with minimal fuss and bother, while dealing with an X2B who doesn't want to do anything but spend his life in the pub drinking it away.

I don't hate him, but he makes me angry and frustrated. He is a very intelligent and thoughtful man underneath it all, but seems unwilling or unable to allow these good qualities to shine through. I'm still hopeful that we can sort this all out amicably, but I think it's going to be a struggle. Hence I'm glad I've found a support group to talk to!! ;-\

I have a wonderful boyfriend now who treats me like a princess and, although we are poor - lodging in a friend's spare room, just about getting by on my income and what he earns when there's work for him (he's a landscaper) - I am far happier than I ever was when I had my own home and a partner with a good income. Despite my low funds, I'm not asking for maintenance payments from the X2B, the return of any of the money I put into the boat, or any claim on his future earnings/pension even though his salary is almost twice mine. All I want now is to get on with my life and forget any of it ever happened.

So yeah. *Phew!* Sorry for the rant, I appreciate it might be a 'tl/dr' for most. But hi anyway, hope you're all doing OK today.

Hi White Crow,
If you take a little time trawling through previous posts you'll find lots of people in similar positions and it is kind of reassuring.
My circumstances are similar to yours. I married my wife in 2003 and discovered a short time later that she owed £25,000. We were living in the house I had owned for 11 years and I continued to pay all the household bills -including her clothes-everything to enable her to pay off the debt.A couple of years later the debt had been REDUCED to £57,000. She had effectively spent over £100,000. She had always drunk to excess and at this stage she told me she was addicted to cocaine. I just thought she was the most moody woman I had ever met. I recently discovered she has been fairly promiscuous throughout our relationship and a couple of months ago I filed for divorce. She wants to be divorced and states she wants to live alone. I am aware that she has stolen at least £1500 from me in the last 18 months. She takes home £1100 per month and her only outgoing is £100 for her IVA.She always spends her wages well before payday. She gets in such a state that she has previously not recognised her own sister. I am aware that she has now signed two receipts of service forms as she shredded the first (she says). Hopefully she posted the second one. She has previously taken an overdose and self harmed. Fortunately she spends most of her time at her boyfriends as she is extremely unpleasant when she is here. Her recent escapades include buying a motorbike (clearly with money stolen from me) which she cannot ride. 2 weeks ago she brohe her knee ouch! whilst engaging in drunken push bike riding. Like all normal people she removed the fibre glass cast (with a bread knife) and now hobbles around. Her family have more or less disowned her. In her rare moments of clarity she realises that she could never really live on her own. She would need someone to pay for everything. When we do eventually seperate I have no idea what the judge could order as any lump sum would either go to her creditors or on substance abuse. There's lots more but I'll save that for another time.
I hope you feel slightly better now. One day at a time.
Take care and good luck.